Is "Manning" just Latin for "Nepotism?"

 

Here's a quick multiple-choice quiz for you:

Which of the following statements BEST describes Archie Manning?

A.  He's a star NFL Quarterback popular enough to earn endorsement money through TV commercials

B.  He's a star College Football Quarterback currently contending for the Heisman Trophy

C.  He has at least a 5% chance of being in the College Football Championship Game in January

D.  None of the Above

If you answered "D," congratulations, you win!  And if you answered "D," you almost certainly know the name Archie Manning because he's a member of the already-ubiquitous-on-tv commercials Manning family.  And that the ONLY reason he's in a commercial for ANYTHING is because he's his dad's son. 

And if you were confused by this commercial because you thought that college athletes were students and not professionals and weren't really supposed to have endorsement deals until they turned pro, well, you must be about as old as I am.  Aren't we quaint?

The Unintended Joke of that "He Got Money" Hyundai Ad

 

So there is so very little going on in the lives of these clucking chickens that they find themselves quietly raving about how someone in their family "has money" and the evidence is that they have a refrigerator full of eggs and we all know how expensive eggs are am I right or am I right Expensive Egg Jokes Never Get Old.

I'm pretty sure that the actual intended message is "because this is an EV, you'll save so much money on gas, you'll have money left over to buy other stuff, like eggs which remember are really, really expensive."  

But when I first saw this ad, all I could think was "they must have cash to burn because they just bought a ridiculously unreliable Hyundai Crapmobile that will be in the shop before that load of eggs from Costco needs to be replenished." I used to have the same reaction whenever I saw a Dodge Charger, Jeep, or any FIAT product on the road.  That was before I realized how severely stupid people are when it comes to buying cars and how far dealerships desperate to move merchandise are willing to stretch out payments in order to con idiots into thinking they can afford them.  Hyundai Tuscan Hybrids start at just under $50k.   You can get a 2-year old version with less than 6000 miles on the odometer near me for $29k.  That's almost 50% in depreciation.  And let's keep in mind- this is a Hyundai.

"He got money."  And he'll need it.  Too bad he don't got sense. 

Those Wacky Aliens are at it Again!

 

From the same extra-terrestrials who came from beyond the stars to bring us overpriced bleach in a spray bottle (and here we were hoping for world peace or at least personal flying tech) we now have overpriced liquid rubber spray.  

So when you get done bleaching your mold for the low low cost of roughly 10 times more than you could have paid if you just used brand-x bleach from the dollar store, you can start sealing every crack in your house- and turning screens into windows for some reason- for roughly 10 ties more than you could have paid if you just used brand-x liquid rubber spray.  Seems to me that's a pretty big markup to have the word ALIEN added to the can (and to wait until it's shipped to your home instead of making that trip down to the Dollar Store, Hardware Store or local Home Depot,) but I guess those interstellar journeys don't pay for themselves.

The Thing from Planet Clorox

 

Or "how I marketed Bleach as 'Alien Technology,' put it in a spray bottle, and sold it for roughly 10 times what it's value is at the local Giant grocery store."  

I must have missed the History Channel episode where the Aliens took time off from building the pyramids to provide the ancient Egyptians with the secrets of removing unsightly mold stains.  Finally, a Lost Art that is actually useful.  I mean, I don't know about you, but I've never had the slightest interest in moving 3-ton rock slabs or cutting crystal skulls.  Getting rid of mold, though?  Hey, I'm here for that. 

Capital One, Jennifer Garner, and another failure to read the damn room

 

Capital One is not going to let SNAP benefits being frozen- leading to hunger for tens of millions of Americans, including children- Section 8 Housing being threatened, or Affordable Care Act guarantees being placed on the chopping block stop them from making commercials featuring the insufferably perky Jennifer Garner* and the caption "Americans love to travel...."

Because I guess people who have Capital One credit cards simply fly* above the problems of the unwashed masses, don't they?  Especially when they use those cards to manage "organic farm" companies or just dish with friends at airport lounges over tall glasses of white wine.  Heck, finally getting into that business class seat is probably a disappointment after those big puffy lounge chairs in the exclusive airport club; nothing another tall glass of white wine won't fix, though.

*Jennifer Garner might well have the most punchable face in commercial tv these days.  Seriously, Ms. Garner, get that perpetual smile off your cake hole already.  It's so twee and sugary it's spiking my insulin levels.  And blood pressure.

**Considering that flying itself is about to become another casualty of Shutdown 2025 (2025-26?) I guess Ms. Garner and her friends are going to enjoy those exclusive airport hangouts away from the rifraff even more in November.  The rest of us will be sitting on the floor at our gates or standing in line at Dunkin Donuts.  Don't worry, we won't harsh your buzz.  

My Fitbit New Year's Resolution is to stop paying attention to my Fitbit

 

The daily updates part, anyway...

I mean, come on.  If I work out every day for three or four days in a row, the App will tell me that I'm running the risk of overtraining, which is fine.  If I goof off or I'm sick and don't exercise for three or four days in a row, it tells me that I'm in danger of undertraining and should ramp it up a bit, again- that's fine.

But more often than not, the advice the app gives me doesn't sinc with reality, and is sometimes just plain contradictory.  Sometimes it tells me that I've really been pushing it, so my "readiness is high" and it gives me a very high cardio load target.  Sometimes it says that I've been "maintaining fitness" so I should reach a certain level "to get back on track."  Then there are the days that it tells me to "slow down and take it easy to avoid injury," only to follow up 24 hours later by chastising me for "undertraining."

The bottom line is, I think that Fitbit is pretty much the modern equivalent of one of those Magic 8 Balls we Boomers liked when we were little; fun, but totally random in the "advice" they give.  

So the first of my early New Years' Resolutions is to stop reading the daily "Readiness" report on my Fitbit and just stick to reaching my step and cardio goals.  Not that they are perfect, either- I can't tell you how many times I've spent 30 minutes on a treadmill, 15 minutes lifting weights, and and 15 minutes stretching only to be given zero or very few credit on the cardio goal.  Like, WTF, Fitbit?

Oh, and continue to stay off sugar.  That's important, too.  

So Jersey Mike's couldn't afford Peyton. Got it.

 

The whole "replacing a geriatric tv and (briefly) film star from the 1980s with the third-or-fourth most recognizable retired quarterback to sell our crap overpriced sandwiches" thing got stale faster than any of these sandwiches will, considering the level of preservatives they (not the film star or quarterback) are stuffed with.

That being said, the whole Manning thing in general has gotten just as old.  Whether it's Eli or his much more visible- dare I say ubiquitous- brother, seriously, haven't we had enough of this family already?  Judging from the college scoreboard, it will be awhile before a third Manning achieves the same level of media overload, though I certainly see that happening down the road.  Because for some reason, tv can't get enough of the Mannings.  

Personally, I wouldn't buy one of these sandwiches if it was being promoted by anyone because I know that in advertising a buck is a buck and I think Eli Manning eats Jersey Mike subs about as often as David Ortiz places bets on his iPhone or Pat Mahomes spends afternoons hanging out with his State Farm agent.  But someone explain to me how Danny DeVito sells anything.  Then explain to me the appeal of the Manning brothers.  I'll wait.