Cher and the most depressing Uber Eats Commercial I've ever seen

 

Why is this commercial so depressing?  Let us count the ways:

1.  It's stunningly overproduced.  Think of how much time and expense and talent went into making this thing, and all of the actual beneficial things that could have been produced for society with even one-tenth of that effort.  Instead we get...this.  

2.  Cher orders a time machine using Uber Eats?  I don't get the joke.  Is it that you can order almost anything with Uber Eats?  If so, why is it called Uber Eats?  Or is it that the Uber Eats app read Cher's order for thyme as an order for "time?"  How thin can you stretch a premise before it snaps back and hits you in the face (more about faces in a moment?)  Who orders thyme from Uber Eats?  What the actual hell?

3.  Uber Eats, Doordash, etc. are all horrible companies that do immeasurable damage to the environment while paying their employees as uninsured independent contractors.  Why is Cher, who has a reputation as a prominent social liberal, promoting an exploitive company whose business model depends on gig workers and produces ungodly amounts of pollution?

4.  Yes, I get the gag is the reference to "If I Could Turn Back Time."  I don't care.  The juice is not worth the squeeze.  This is a six year old telling the same joke to everyone at the party multiple times. 

5.  No, Cher, you can't turn back time, no matter how often you get your face frozen with injections of Botox.  Seriously, the creepiest and saddest thing about this ad is how expressionless your face is.  Are you even CAPABLE of showing emotion anymore, or are those muscles permanently locked in place? Sonny Bono's face shows more range in his facial expressions and he's been dead for three decades.

What does any of this have to do with chicken again?

 

I watch this ad and the only thought that comes to mind is "when on Earth did everyone in the United States become a shameless exhibitionist convinced that every other person in the United States was interested in their reaction to everything?"

In other words, did we just wake up one day and decide that whatever we were doing, whatever we were watching, whatever we were taking in at that moment needed to be captured on video and shared with the planet?  And how did we convince others to go along with this intense level of narcissism? I mean, take a look at this ad- a lot of these videos are not individual efforts.  Someone had to point the phone and watch the subject as he watched tv, or ran into another room, or did....something. Anything.  

Why?  What compels people to do this?  Why is this interesting or entertaining to anyone?

Meanwhile- Chic-fil-e is good food.  Too bad they are closed on Sundays, since my most common travel days are Sundays and Chic-fil-e exists on the Jersey Turnpike.  Also too bad they are run by horrible sexist retrograde fundamentalist loons but again, it's good food. 

BET MGM presents: The most expensive cracked windshield of all time

 

So these three people are on a trip somewhere but a freak hailstorm results in a cracked windshield and shelter sought in a sleepy sports bar.  Because they are driving one of those fancy new cars that won't operate if a windshield is cracked, they part about thirty yards from the sports car instead of in one of the many parking spaces near the front door and needlessly get drenched running inside. 

They notice that a football game is being broadcast on the bar's television and instead of acting like sane people and calling AAA or SafeLite to arrange for the repair on their car, they instantly pulled out their phones, pulled up the BET MGM app and "put together a live parlay" because of course they did.  Calling for assistance, having a drink at the bar, just having a conversation and enjoying the game- none of these even occurred to them, at least not until the opportunity to gamble on a whim was seized.  I mean, look at them- they aren't even dried off.  They haven even seated themselves.  Priorities, people.

What a wonderful modern world we live in, where a quick, unplanned stop-over at a local bar turns into a chance to indulge in addictive behavior and the whole thing is sold to us as Fun because Capitalism Uber Alles in this awful, awful country.  The fun punchline would be that by the time the repair guys do show up to fix the crack in the windshield, the owner's ability to make payments has been compromised by the "fun" had with the spontaneous decision to bet on a game because it's on a tv screen and it's possible to bet on it.  Gross. 

Kevin Hart, LeBron James and making crippling addiction --- funny?

 

If the comments aren't just bots, I have to accept the idea that many, many people not only find Kevin Hart funny but also find it funny that Kevin Hart and LeBron James, two multi-millionaires, enjoy hanging out with each other and celebrating the joys of online gambling especially when they can get five dollars of free money to massage that burgeoning addiction with.

So I'm just going to say that the comments are bots.  I'm also going to say that Kevin Hart's career is some kind of twisted joke being played on a worldwide audience.  I will sleep better this way.

LiMu Emu, Doug, and a sadly efficient parachute manufacturer ruin my football-watching experience.

 

The only possible happy ending* for this ad is that the guy drones on so long about insurance that he forgets to pull the ripcord and he and the stupid CGI emu are just a flat damp spot in the parking lot.  Leaving the fans to continue to enjoy the game without being interrupted by a g-d damn commercial they could have stayed home to watch on their televisions and leaving absolutely nothing of value lost. 

And no, I am not even going to mention the comment section this time.  The people who enjoy this played-to-death schlock....well, they vote. Obviously.

(By the way, the most famous guy to ever actually parachute into a sporting event ended up being pulled into the crowd and nearly beaten to death before being rescued by police officers.  Remember?  It was during the Riddick Bowe-Evander Holyfield rematch back in 1993.  That could happen and count as a happy ending to this ad, too.)

Makes sense to start the year with a deeply depressing Royal Kingdom Ad

 

The couple in this ad used to have a cool tradition- they'd get together and have a game night, playing simple board games while probably having nice conversations, basically using the game as nothing more than the foundation for the evening, the prop that makes the evening happen.

But one day the guy got severely addicted to an expensive, gambling-adjacent, brain cell-destroying smart phone game and decided that playing that game was all that mattered- so much so that none of the board games he and the girl used to play are not only unnecessary, but actually offensive to his eyes and must cease to contaminate Game Night. 

After all, Royal Kingdom is sponsored by all the usual suspects- LeBron James, Kevin Hart, Jimmy Fallon- who have no other incentive other than to pitch us another way to lose our money.  So it MUST be fun and certainly a better investment in time than silly board games and the conversations they encourage.

In real life, it would be nice to believe that the girl is deeply offended and saddened at the idea of replacing board game night with the two of them sitting in separate chairs staring at their individual phones playing another stupid game that literally vacuums money out of their pockets as they "progress."  She might as what the point of him even coming over to her house if they aren't going to interact in any way beyond her answering the door and letting him in (oh wait, she doesn't even have to do that.)  Because it's 2025, she's hooked after three seconds of looking at a screen because oh look it's got blinking lights so it's Uber Entertaining.  Man I'm glad I'm old.

And on this sad note, we begin 2025.  I am not optimistic.

Questions for the Cotton Candy-stealing Allstate Guy

 

1.  How do you "make sure nobody is watching" you do something while sitting in a football stadium with 100,000 other people?

2.  You know you are sitting directly behind Charles Woodson and it didn't occur to you that you might be on camera at any time?

3. Why would any adult steal a piece of air-blown, chemically-colored sugar from a kid in the first place?  You really want to eat that?  

4.  What the actual f--- does any of this have to do with car insurance?  Why are you checking for insurance rates while sitting at a football game?