This Xfinity Commercial is Sadder than you think it is

 

Every once in a while, my little great-niece/goddaughter  announces that she is going to put on a "show" and then proceeds to sing and dance and throw herself around the living room, stopping to give us time to applaud.  

The little girl in this ad knows that she's in a family of inattentive television addicts who are so desperate for entertainment that they are watching figure skating, of all things.  So if she wants an audience, she'd better go upstairs (or the basement, I'm not watching this again) and set up the 2000 or so stuffed animals she's been given by parents who think that material goods are a great substitute for actual Attention. 

It turns out that this girl has adapted so well to being ignored by her alleged family that she's perfectly fine dancing in front of her toys instead of actual human beings, and has even convinced herself that they appreciate and love her- unlike those older people downstairs staring total strangers on the boob tube (who are engaged in figure skating.  Again- figure skating.  Not even the bobsled or luge or Alpine skiing.  Not even short track skiing.  Figure skating.  Hell, it may even be Artistic Pairs or Ice Dance, though I am not willing to go that far because I don't want to slander these people.  

But as I said- in my family, if my little great-niece saw this on tv and wanted to imitate it, she wouldn't retreat to a quiet part of the house to "skate" in front of stuffed animals.  She'd do it in front of us, and she'd have our attention, because I like to think we aren't all disgusting distracted zombies so detached from our own lives that we'd rather watch...whatever the hell this event is that should end right now so we can get back to actual competitive, entertaining Olympic events like skiing and bobsled, as God Intended. 

DraftKings: Know When To Fold 'Em

 

Actual message of this ad:  "Don't worry about how much money you're losing, just keep gambling.  There will be plenty of time to pick up the shattered pieces of your financial situation later.  Only a loser keeps an eye on the wins and losses during the game.  You don't want to be a loser, do you?  Next thing you know, you'll be telling us you want to stop drinking just because you're drunk!"

When in the depths of destructive addiction, it is NOT the time to consider the damage that addiction is doing to your life.  What would the people around you say if you stopped gambling?  They'd probably call you a wimp.  They certainly wouldn't respect you because you're acting like a Debby Downer instead of Sticking to the Plan, the Plan being- keep risking that paycheck for that dopamine hit because let's face it, watching sports is simply no fun unless you can bet on it.

The important thing is to JUST KEEP GAMBLING.  You never count your losses when you're sittin' at the bar stool.  There'll be time enough for countin' when the money's gone.

F---ng heartwarming.  

Actually, FanDuel, it's "No RIGHT Way..."

 

In this ad, Jacopo is doubling down- not happy with feeding an addiction to alcohol, he's going to push his patrons into satisfying their sad addiction to gambling as well.  May I ask why?  How does his bar benefit if people gamble while they drink and watch football?  Oh, maybe it keeps them glued to the set longer, which means they consume more alcohol?

Meanwhile, definitely see no problem with the promoted combination of drinking and gambling.  Yeah, those are two things that go GREAT together, like drinking and driving almost.  For shame, Jacopo!

Dominoes made this "Treat Yourself" specifically for people like me

 

First, you've got the two twentysomethings who look like they are absolutely thrilled to be overworked, underpaid minions of a multi-billion-dollar company like it's freaking Microsoft back in the days when they had all those goofy extras at HQ.  Just, no.  There's no way Dominoes employees are anywhere close to this excited about simply working at Dominoes- but these clowns are promoting the crap out of the place like they are shareholders or something.

Second, yes- because I am who I am- I just have to address the, err, elephant in the room.  The woman ordering Dominoes doesn't look like she has to be talked into treating herself.  Perhaps the actual goal is to ruin her appetite?  That would be a nice twist ending for this stupid dreck.  Certainly better than the flat "can I please have my pizza" from a woman who kind of obviously came in to buy a pizza WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO TALK HER INTO BUYING A PIZZA YOU STUPID KNOBS?

This Stupid Progressive "Drive-Thru" Insurance Ad...and an appeal for help for a YouTube Commenter...

 

1.  Why did the people in this vehicle leave it to the driver to remember all of their orders?  Why aren't they just giving them individually?  

2.  Given this guy's inability to articulate a full sentence, I'm not sure I would ride with him because I'm not sure I'd trust his ability to operate heavy machinery. 

3.  Anyone else think that the switch is all about getting a multimillionaire to pick up the whole tab?

And finally- to what I'm sure is a very nice guy in the comment section....please, if you are "on the floor" as a result of this commercial...well, I really hope that the next Administration takes the treatment of mental illness much more seriously.  Good luck getting through the next three years, buddy.

King Hawaiian Rolls and Eli Manning think that Fahrenheit 451 is a cool story

 

There's nothing this overexposed hack won't do for a few extra bucks to add to the pile, I guess...

You see, it's FUNNY because it's Eli Manning and he's supposed to be a NERD and we KNOW he's 

supposed to be a NERD because he's wearing glasses and an ugly sweater and hanging out with fellow unattractive NERDS doing NERD LOSER THINGS like being in BOOK CLUBS and we all know that book clubs are only for LOSERS.  Cool people aren't in book clubs because cool people don't READ, they watch FOOTBALL and eat sliders made with King Hawaiian rolls because they are COOL.

The only thing missing here is the old book club celebrating their graduation to COOLNESS by burning those books while WATCHING TV LIKE A REAL AMERICAN.  That would "sure beat the book club" and put an apostrophe on this "lighthearted" assault on intellectualism courtesy of King Hawaiian Rolls. 

Jason Statham: If you've seen one....

 

When I first heard the radio ad for this film, I thought it was an SNL skit:  "Jason Statham plays an ex-agent forced out of retirement to protect his little girl..." 

So....basically...Jason Statham plays Jason Statham in a Jason Statham film.  Ex-agent forced out of retirement to protect an innocent person from bad guys?  Can I assume he'll be beating up entire gangs of thugs with his bare hands, with at least a few slow-motion cuts, until finally confronting the Big Bad and killing (or, for a slight change of pace because he does do this sometimes) arresting him after beating him up too?

I mean, I get it: predictability can be very comforting.  But man, it costs $25 these days to go to the movies, and they are usually available on some streaming service by the time you get back home with your unfinished bucket of corn (oh wait, I forgot the snacks; make that $50.)  And speaking of buckets of corn....yeah, Jason Statham is technically an actor who clearly has a very lucrative career playing Jason Statham.  But be honest, Statham fans- if I randomly popped one of his eighty films into a DVD player and started running it from twenty minutes in, could you name it with any level of confidence? I mean, with less than five guesses?  I doubt it. 

I don't want to knock anyone's hustle, but geeeeeesh.  If you go to the theater with any doubt in your mind about how every single scene is going to play out, I kind of feel sorry for you.  Actually, I think you're just in denial.  Either way, enjoy the two servings of nutrition-free popcorn; the one in the bucket on your lap, and the one on the screen.