This Ancient KIA Sales Event Ad just seems too perfect for an April Fool's Day Post

 

First, there's the quaint notion of a $149-per-month lease deal.  Remember when those were a thing?  The only time in my life I ever leased a car, from 2006 to 2009, I paid $350 a month.  And that was for a 2-door Civic Coupe.  Sure, there was virtually nothing to pay on it when I took ownership at the end of the lease, but still. 

Second, there's the idea that all of these people are instantly smitten with the idea of leasing a freaking KIA for multiple years.  I'll admit that the only way I'd ever drive a KIA is through a lease deal, because these things are nothing but headaches and they depreciate in value faster than- well, faster than an ice cream cone melts in the sun. 

Third, this ad works a lot better if it ends with all of these zombies just following that truck off a damn cliff.  I can't think of any more accurate way to describe the feeling of actually being stuck making payments on a (still, at $149 a month and $2 k down) overpriced piece of junk like a KIA Soul.  Better than spending three years regularly being reminded that you are going to pay $7400 to drive around in a pile of crap you will just give back in 36 months because even you aren't dumb enough to hand over another $10k for a car with a Kelly Blue Book Value of maybe half that at the end of the term.  Unless you really are an April (and every other month of the year) Fool.

This Seriously Strange, and Sad, Camzyos Ad

 

Is it just me, or is there actual NEGATIVE chemistry between this woman, the adult male and the child in this ad?  No matter how many times I've seen this commercial all the way through, all I see is a strange woman who decided to show up at a baseball game and latch herself to a noticeably single man and his son for the duration of the day.

I'm serious.  This woman does NOT interact with the kid like she knows anything about him, but is trying very hard to cosplay (or audition for the role of) being his Mom.  If possible, there is even less warmth between her and the guy.  It looks for all the world like the guy and his son are just being polite to this sad woman who showed up at a ball game all by herself and decided to start hanging out with them- near the concessions, in the stands....maybe all the way out to the parking lot after the game...until finally dad- who had his finger on the Emergency Button of his phone for the walk from the bleachers to the car- was able to get his son buckled and himself in the car with the door locked before giving Crazy Woman a quick "well nice meeting you bye" and leaving the lot at the Fastest Speed Allowed by Decency and Safety Standards.  

On the way home, Dad and Son have an awkward laugh about the experience and discuss whether Mom should be told about it when Dad drops Son off at Mom's house before 6 PM tonight, as stipulated by the court.  And they agree that if Crazy Woman Shows up at the next game, Dad politely announces that he and the child will be Sitting Over There Now No Do Not Follow Us. 

What's this drug being peddled, btw?  

Colon Guard: I've said it once, I'll say it again...

 

I get it.  I've been through two colonoscopies.  They are not pleasant experiences.  I mean, the actual process is barely an experience at all.  The prep is what is pretty much the opposite of pleasant.  

Still, it's covered by health insurance and it's hard to exaggerate how important it is.  That being said, I am plenty sick of these commercials featuring obviously well-off people with plenty of time on their hands being so damn comfortable cutting corners on a test that could literally add years to your life if it results in early detection.  

You just know the target audience for Colon Guard are the same people who will think nothing of binge-watching Netflix or binge-scrolling Tiktok or dropping hundreds of dollars on a concert or trip to a local amusement park for the family.....but when it comes to doing a freaking cancer screening, NOW you're concerned about the cost in time and money?  Please.

I bet you can get a deep discount on slightly-damaged parachutes, too.  What the hell is going on here? When it's time for a colonoscopy GET IT DONE IN A SPECIALIST'S OFFICE YOU RIDICULOUS KNOBS.  What's next, do-it-yourself dentistry?  Wait...what?  That's an actual thing too?

All Off-the-shelf mediation companies need to read this post

 

My nose is running and my throat is getting sore

and I'm sure not sleeping like the way I did before

I think it's aaaaaaaaaaaaallergies

I hate these aaaaaaaaaaaalergies

these commercials make it look like magic's in the air

instead of pollen, grass and don't forget all that nasty old pet hair

I hate my aaaaaaaaaaaaaaalergies

G-d- these aaaaaaaaaaaaaalergies

Well it's not magic, you can't just pop one and then go about your day 

the symptoms will continue till you think you'll go insane

because they're aaaaaaaaaalergies

we all hate aaaaaaaaaaaaaalergies

Ok, that's enough of that.

It's bad enough that all of these ads- for Claritin, Allegra, Benadryl, Nyquil, Dayquil, etc. all pitch the idea that you are one dose away from being completely free of symptoms and ready to tackle the world- or play with a puppy, though for the life of me I can't understand why anyone would want to do either.  Here in the real world, medication is sold in multi-dose packages because it takes days of treatment to feel any relief at all.  And if you're going to roll around on the grass and stick your nose into a damn puppy's fur, there's probably not enough dosage out there to really save you from yourself anyway.  At least when I got my severe attack last weekend it was because it was 80 degrees and sunny and I took a walk.  I didn't lick any trees or shove grass clippings up my nose, daring an immune response.  Christ what is it with these people?  We don't see people on insulin celebrating having their blood sugar under control by consuming entire sheet cakes.  Why do we see allergy sufferers rolling around in pollen snorting puppies?  Stupid.  At least as stupid as my "song."

Honey Nut Cheerios? I have so many questions

1.  I can see why this woman wants to eat her cereal in the massive living room of her massive house and not the kitchen.  But why did she bring the box in with her?

2.  More, why did she bring a brand-new, unopened box in with her when there's already cereal in her bowl?  

3.  I get that the dialogue is supposed to (however clunkily) connect to the song, but who the hell "talks to their heart" about cereal?  Is she "talking" to her heart by providing her body "heart-healthy" nutrients?  I suppose, but if that's the case, I think the message she's sending is "I really care for you, heart, but not enough to avoid sugar and eat an actual breakfast that isn't basically candy."

4.  Other than her heart, who is she talking to?  The box?  Oh my god- the bee?  Does she actually see that bee?  Come to think of it, does she actually hear that music?  Or is she just a lunatic eating a toddler's breakfast and doing a weird sitting dance from her couch?

5.  "We are powerful?"  Who is "we?"  Oh my god- she DOES see that bee.  Her next lines- when she stops having a mild fit on the couch- are "we ARE sane, and we do NOT need to sign those Power of Attorney papers, and the kids do NOT have to see to our financial affairs."  

That Allstate Commercial that rips off Dr. Pepper's Fansville

 

I am a fan of the New England Patriots, the Boston Red Sox, the Maryland Terrapins, and the Catholic University Cardinals.  All that being said, neither I nor anybody in my family would take offense if the fan of an opposing team showed up wearing the colors of that team.*

The people in this ad act like members of a cult, and the first thought that crossed my mind when watching it was why didn't the girl warn her boyfriend in advance that her entire family were a bunch of intolerant loons who had taken a blood pledge to a college in North Carolina?  My second thought was, why didn't Allstate go all out and push the envelope, portraying

....the reaction of a Sunni family to the boyfriend showing up wearing a yarmulke?  Or

....the reaction of a Jehovah's Witness family to the boyfriend showing up with a birthday cake?  Or

....the reaction to a Sane, Tolerant family to the boyfriend showing up wearing a MAGA hat?

But I keep going back to my original question:  Did the girlfriend not know that her boyfriend went to Duke? Wouldn't that come up in a conversation at some point?  Is this a Montague-Capulet deal?  Why was the guy blindsided like this?  

Also, isn't the No-Longer-Potential-Life-Partner-Because-He-Went-To-The-Wrong-School-in-NC far better off?  I thought the families in the Dr. Pepper Fansville commercials were nuts.  Oh wait- is this a crossover?

*Unless they show up wearing a Yankees cap.  I mean, we all have limits.

How did I miss this Kia Holiday Sales Event Commercial?

 

I mean, it does such a great job aping the Lexus December to Remember ads that it could pass as a Saturday Night Live skit.  As in, "Look- here's a sort-of kind-of if-you-squint-and-ignore-pretty-much

-everything, this looks like a Lexus no really."

And I'm almost glad that I live in a universe where people who aren't hedge fund managers can aspire to own a car that at least pretends to provide a...um...."luxury" experience.  All you have to do is sign here and spend the next four years pretending that isn't a KIA logo on the front chrome and the steering wheel (again, squint really hard and MAYBE you can make it look like it's a Lexus.)  Just put a red ribbon on it and stick it in the driveway and hope beyond hope that when the significant other you bought it for looks at it, the scene doesn't turn into a replay of George Costanza's gifting of a cashmere sweater.  As in "oh it's beautiful, it's gorgeous, how could you possibly afford.....ewww, what's that?  A KIA logo?  Ooooh....well....it's still beautiful, really, I mean, thanks very much....um....you got the warranty, right?"