Cool Cove ACs- this summer's Robot Rabbits

 

I strongly believe that there's a factory somewhere in Eastern Europe that is constantly marketing and manufacturing something- ANYTHING- in response to whatever the hot (no pun intended) trend is in the Western World.

Christmas?  Check out these AI-enhanced robot puppies that "respond to your child's commands."  (Actually, the are just the same bark, wobble and flip junk toys that have been available at the Dollar Store for years now.)  Easter?  Now the AI-enhanced robots are rabbits, not puppies.  Otherwise, the exact same product.

A brutal heatwave in the Developed (Western, Rich, filled with stupid people with money) World?  Let's crank out fake "miracle air conditioners" that can cool rooms from 90 to 60 degrees in seconds with zero installation, no condensation, and very little electricity used- the "miracle" is found in the breaking of the laws of physics and thermodynamics.  Let's buy cheap (again, AI-generated) ads with fake five-star reviews and plaster them all over Facebook where ignorant dopes looking for some relief can get suckered in with the promise of cool temperatures at low cost and minimal effort.  Never mind that these "air conditioners" are nothing more than cheap electric fans sold at enormous markups despite the low-on-the-surface cost (if the advertised price is $19.99 plus shipping from Croatia or Vietnam, it's actually closer to $30, and if you ever actually get the product- long after the heat wave has passed- you'll find that you bought a tiny $2 fan encased in an unnecessarily large plastic container.)  

This same "product" will be rebranded as a Miracle Heater this winter, I guarantee it.  And it will sell, because people are Dumb.  I mean, CarShield is still a thing, right?  

Toyota: Good Cars, Stupid Commercials

 

With the single exception of my very first car, a 1974 Superbeetle purchased for me by my Volkswagen-devotee grandfather, every single automobile I've ever owned has been a Toyota or a Honda.   I think they are the best values on the market and have been for more than forty years, so I generally shy away from ragging on their commercials all that often.

Still, Jan the Toyota Spokeschoad has certainly gone to seed and even if she hadn't, this commercial for the Toyota Summer Sales Event is Peak Dumb.  First, we get the usual "purchasing this truck is your gateway to amazing summer adventures for reals," like it's impossible to complete a backyard project or take a trip to the mountains or the beach unless it's in an SUV masquerading as a work truck.  Never mind that last weekend I lugged 12 bags of volcanic rock home from the Tractor Supply Store in my 2-door Coupe.  Never mind that I regularly use the same car for week-long beach vacations.  I'm sure it would be much easier and, more importantly, FUN and EXCITING in a brand new truck, but I proved it could be done. 

Second, we get a look at what these "trucks" are actually going to be used for- picking up coffee at the Drive-Thru.  Something I'm really quite sure I can pull off in my Coupe but to be safe perhaps better not even attempt it without first purchasing a $30,000 Not-Truck from Jan.  After all, if I'm going to be a typical American truck owner, I'm going to be hauling a lot more drive-thru coffee than landscaping supplies and I'm going to be taking a lot more trips by myself to the store than with family to the beach or the mountains.  Not letting a dog in my car though.  No way.  

CarShield is still Legal in 49 states and DC. That IS scary.

 

Know what's scarier than driving a car that's out of warranty?

Well, actually...pretty much everything is scarier than driving a car out of warranty.  I've always said that buying a new car because it comes with a warranty is one of the dumbest sucker bet in retail- sure the warranties are legit in that they'll cover everything they say they'll cover, but they are also timed to last exactly until the new car's peak years have passed.  Three years, 30,000 miles?  Yeah, it's AFTER that point when you'll need new brakes, replacement parts, etc. etc. ETC.  NOT before.  So what did you actually get with that warranty?  Peace of mind?  Why were you concerned that a brand new car was going to fail within three years, 30,000 miles, especially when you specifically BOUGHT a new car because you didn't want to deal with the problems that come with a used one?  Did you really think this through?

Here's what I find scary- the idea that after class-action lawsuits by multiple Attorneys General, this scummy company is still hiring B-listers to pitch their crap to people who can't be bothered to do a quick Google search using the phrase CARSHIELD SCAM REPORTS or IS CARSHIELD A SCAM.  That there are thousands of people who continue to purchase BS warranties not worth the pieces of paper they aren't printed on from a company because its spokespeople are kind of recognizable.  That CarShield can settle for millions of dollars for deceptive practices and failure to pay out claims and STILL be able to afford to pitch it's phony not-available-in-California non-coverage to unsuspecting, vulnerable people who can least afford to hand over money and then find out that no, sorry, if you looked at the contract you'd note that the repair cannot be done without servicing one part which is not covered Because Reasons remember you were told All Covered Repairs are Covered, not that all repairs are covered there is a huge difference....

"Someone should help her."  You could do that right now- by urging her to put the money she was tempted to send to CarShield every month and put it into a separate high-yield savings account instead.  If the car breaks down, there's the money in that account to fix it.  If the car doesn't break down, there's the money in that account to spend in some other way.  Best of all, CarShield doesn't get to use any of it to hire has-beens for their commercials or attorneys to handle the next class action lawsuit.  Now isn't that much, much better?

Cheerios- just...why?

 

Hey look, it's a depiction of an adult American male acting like a total cringey doofus in a commercial.  So we know it's the 21st century in this ad, anyway.

I get that for decades, women were infantilized in stupid, sexist commercials written by men, paid for by men, and aired by networks owned by men.  I get that women were cast in stupid, sexist sitcoms written, directed, and produced by men (the sitcom formula of completely normal if not downright ugly men matched with hot younger women is very much alive and well even in present day.)  But I was raised to believe that two wrongs don't make a right.  Apparently this is not a popular philosophy in the world of Advertising, however. 

Moron Dad is back again, mortifying his children by acting like an embarrassing loon at the breakfast table.  His kids just want to eat their morning meal and get a start to their typical eight hours of screentime with their phones, but for some reason Dad has to make a spectacle of himself prancing around the kitchen, prompting the kids to sing (or, at least, bleat) the praises of freaking Cheerios.  Why?  Well, other than to pay those debts accrued over sixty years of portraying women as dopey eye candy, I have no idea. 

As to the product- as far as cereal goes, Cheerios is ok- even better than most.  That being said, it's still just mostly empty carbs nobody really needs in the morning, or at any other time of the day.  An egg or two would be much better, but if Dad ever finds that out, I'm downright terrified at the display he might put on while dishing out a plate of scrambled chicken fetuses.  

"Tell me something good?"  Um, none of our friends is here to witness this, and this is one thing I have no intention of streaming to Tiktok.  There.  

Epicooler: the short version

 

"Epicooler is an air conditioner that functions almost exactly the same way as every other air conditioner, but we'll describe it using words like 'for personal use' and 'non-permanent installation' and  'ambient' to make it sound special- never mind that, again, this describes every other air conditioner."

"Epicooler is 1 percent repackaged AC unit and 99 percent AI-generated scammy nonsense, which is why it's not available at any brick and mortar store or even at Amazon- that's right, this is a bridge too far even for the website that is happy to sell (not)-crystal Good Luck cat heads and robot rabbits that (don't, never did, never will) respond to commands and disappoint delight your child."

"In short, Epicooler is just this month's nonsense Miracle Product designed to grab up a few dollars before vanishing faster than the water vapor that magically vanishes into Nowhere instead of falling to the ground outside your window like every other air conditioner Because Physics.  It's a product that no Boomer unaware that Skynet is actually AI can do without."

Can Zendaya stop being a thing now?

 

I mean, at the very least, can T-Mobile and Apple find another spokesperson before introducing the Apple XIX or whatever is coming up next?  I can't be the only person out there totally over Zendaya's over-the-top "I'm so thrilled to death that T-Mobile and Apple are keeping me relevant with these stupid-ass commercials" performances.  This crap makes me miss those "can you hear me now?" ads- at least they focused on the phone's most important feature.  

Of course, nowadays I suppose most people don't really care if the person on the other end can hear them now, since they don't use their phones for calls anyway?  As long as they can stream or access Tiktok, their Phones Which Are Barely Phones work?

I don't want to hear, or see, Zendaya anymore.  So again- can she just stop being a thing now?

Why are all Insurance Commercials so insulting? Here's a quick explanation

 

Notice how commercials for insurance- be it for cars, homes or health care- never fail to treat the audience like we're all toddlers with bricks for brains, and tell us nothing or next to nothing about the benefits of the product being sold?  Instead we get CGI lizards and emus and Jake from State Farm stalking Pat Mahomes and if we have any brain cells at all (commenters on this YouTube post are obviously exempted) we are left wondering what on Earth any of this has to do with insuring our cars or homes or health.

Until now.  Because I've got the answer for you, free of charge, no stupid mascot or overexposed sports figures necessary.

Let's start with car insurance.  In every state in the country except New Hampshire (the weird state,) car insurance is an absolute requirement for legal use of the public roadways.  Want to operate a motor vehicle beyond your driveway?  You MUST purchase a minimum level of insurance from a licensed insurance broker.  

Now let's talk about home insurance.  Oddly, this is not technically required anywhere in the United States as long as you own your home outright.  However, if you are like the vast majority of home "owners" under the age of 60, a financial institution holds the mortgage on that house and every single one WILL require that you carry some form of insurance coverage on the home you jointly own.  And if you rent?  Landlords pretty much universally require that you carry some level of renter's insurance. 

Finally, let's look at health insurance.  From 2010 to 2019 there was an absolute legal requirement for all American citizens to carry a minimal level of health insurance from a licensed provider.  The federal requirement went away in 2019, but realistically the massive expense connected to health care represents a de facto requirement.  Sure, you can opt out of the health care insurance system- but you'll be one bad slip away from opting in to bankruptcy if you do.  Health insurance doesn't NEED to be a legal requirement any more than breathing does.  

See my point?  Insurance Companies don't create ads to convince you that you need to purchase their product.  They don't need to.  You have to purchase their product.  All these stupid commercials are doing is trying to convince you to buy THEIR version (because they've got a CGI Emu) instead of the OTHER GUY'S version (even though they've got a CGI Lizard) or that OTHER version (because they've got that old character actor you remember from the Spider-Man films) or still ANOTHER version (because they've got Jake and Pat Mahomes.)  They are appealing to a captive audience, so they aren't interested in selling us on the virtues of that product.  They are interested in planting their mascots into our brains so that when we buy what we HAVE to buy, we remember the cartoon character or that football player who used to win Super Bowls.  

Don't believe me?  Check out the comments.  I dare you.