A McDonald's and A Quiet Place III crossover ad?

 

Unless flesh-eating monsters are going to break down the door and devour these two morons (what I would call "a happy ending") their behavior throughout this commercial is the most preposterous slop I think I've ever seen, and I've seen a LOT of preposterous slop coming out of the advertising world over the past five decades or so....

Seriously, these people act as if some horrific disaster will come down on their heads if one of their babies wakes up, and that their babies will wake up if a penny falls on the carpet.  They are living in a horrific dystopia- not only are they terrified of their children, but they are reduced to ordering vastly marked-up processed garbage "food" from McDonald's.  I wish them speedy relief from the hellscape they are living in (preferably delivered by flesh-eating monsters.)  

By the way, what does that guy pay for his delivery with? It almost looks like cash.  I caught a glimpse of that stuff a few times last week, when I found myself stuck behind people who had inexplicably dropped in from the 1970s and were using it to buy donuts and fancy coffee and iced drinks and pretty much everything else when I was trying to get Iris her strawberry donut and myself my black coffee so I could get on with life.  Is that a tip?  What country was this filmed in?  What is going on here?

M&T Bank and another Family Winery

 

"this farm has been in our family since the 1700s..."

Hmm.  Farm in the Chesapeake Region producing a cash crop.  Since the 1700s.  I can't help but wonder who provided most of the hard labor on this "family farm" before, say, 1865 or so.  I'm guessing that they didn't look at all like the guy waxing poetic about his Family's Contribution to Alcohol Consumption that goes back to pre-Revolutionary Days.

This is the SECOND M&T commercial featuring a family winery.  By my estimate, about one in 6 Americans already owns a winery, a microbrewery, or both.  And (also by my estimate, I'm not going to look it up) approximately 60 percent of all small businesses in the United States produce alcohol, coffee, or cupcakes.  I'd say that market is pretty saturated- one look at the wine section at your local grocery store will show you that they ran out of names for wineries several decades ago and are just using random name generators now.

So...um, M&T?  Maybe start diversifying a little bit?  How about showing us the Heartwarming Story of a Small Business Owner whose Dream is NOT to produce a luxury item in a market where that item is literally a dime a dozen?  I mean, it's not like I'm going to be without wine if these guys go under- or if Kathy's Kwirky Kupcakes and Koffee can't get a loan to float them to the next quarter.

The lost (but necessary) verses of Billy Joel's "Piano Man"

 

And Billy he sits at his keyboard

Condescension it drips from his face

Ignoring the prominent tip jar 

He thinks that he owns the whole place

"I know the back story of every man

who regularly haunts this old bar

and I pretend I'm so much Better Than

and nowhere the Losers they are."

_______________________________________________

"Sing us a song you're the Piano Man

there's no reason to just make us wait

and we don't need permission

'cause you're just a musician

so why do you think your life's so Great?  

--OR--

"Hey Piano Man just stuff your attitude

we're not here to be frowned on by you

we don't need any pity 

and we don't think you're witty

and remember that you're in here too."

What the F is with this Small Business Ad?

 

You know, if you want my business maybe DON'T launch a series of ads telling me that Entrepreneurs are "built different," as if you are of a Superior Line to us 9-5 Lessars.

Because in the end, it's our money- gained from 9 to 5 jobs- that you're grubbing for, depend on, and simply cannot survive without.  So maybe get out of my face with this "we're built different" BS.  Frankly, I don't give a damn if your Quirky Little Shop That's Been Your Dream Ever Since You Figured You Were Too Good For The Grind survives or not.  I don't give a damn how hard you think you work, or how hard you actually do work.  No matter WHAT you are offering the public, it is definitely NOT unique to your business and I absolutely guarantee I can get it somewhere else.  Maybe the quality won't be as good, but it will be cheaper.  Maybe the quality will be better, it will just be more expensive.  Maybe it will be equal in all respects except that can get it faster from someone else.

Or maybe, just maybe, I can get it from someone who isn't going to assault me with a bragging "We're Just Better Than You" ad campaign "explaining" why self-styled Entrepreneurs are "Just Built Differently" from this career 9-to-5er who, sorry, doesn't owe you one damn thing including money.

You're dumb enough even for Autotrader? Really?

 

"I get shopping for cars on line- but you're really going to BUY one online?"

"Really."

"You're really going to pick out a car based on AI-enhanced images?"

"Really."

"You're going to commit to payments of $530 a month for SIXTY MONTHS without even test-driving the car?"

"Really."

"And you're really going tto do this with a year-old Hyundai Tuscan?" 

"Really."

"And you're really going to do all this and have the dealership just drop off the car without you even taking it to a mechanic and having it checked out?  A Hyundai?"

"Really."  

"Not even a simple walk around the car to check for dings, not even a quick look at the engine so you can PRETEND to have a clue, not even a glance at the interior to check for cracks, stains, rips...Really?"

"Really."

"Could you do me a favor?  Please tell me I'm adopted.  I mean- are you Really my biological parent?"

"Really."

"I'm so totally screwed." 

Optima Tax Relief- Yes, it's complicated. No, I don't care.

 

"You don't want to take on the IRS alone..."

So, um....pay your taxes.  Regularly, and accurately.  That way, you'll probably never have to take on the IRS, alone or otherwise.

Most recent Optima Tax Relief Ads include a line about the tax code being "too complicated."  I actually agree that filing taxes is too complicated and this complication seems to be by design, as the result of lobbying by professional tax prep services (NOT to make it easier for the IRS to "come after" innocent "victims" of complicated paperwork.)  But the line is included in the ads to suggest that the main reason people fail to pay taxes is because it's too complicated, a philosophy that (it seems to me) goes hand in hand with the argument that most people steal because paying for things is hard and most people who drive drunk do so because alcohol is delicious and the United States lacks Walkable Cities.

In other words....Just, No.  You can't convince me that the great majority of people who do not file taxes fail because they just can't figure out HOW.  Naw, they don't file because they don't want to pay.  I'm sure it's comforting to a thief to be called a "victim" who is being "targeted" by the Big Bad Government but let's be honest- failing to file taxes because doing so is "complicated" doesn't make it any less of a crime.  

The very name "Tax Relief" irritates me to no end.  It's bad enough that there are endless loopholes and shelters available to the very rich, whose tax burden is ALREADY very low compared to pretty much every other nation in the Western World.  I don't have a tear to shed for anyone who wants "relief" from paying their share of the cost of keeping their country afloat while they enjoy all the benefits OUR tax dollars provide.  We are the ones who need Relief- from scofflaws who think that they are exceptional cases who should be allowed to skate on their financial obligations to the society they live in.  

Declare Independence by taking on Debt!

 

(Yes, I know I'm using the same ad as a few days ago, but who watches them anyway?  I have a few more points to make.)

The fully-equipped Toyota Capstone (shown being used to pick up coffee in this ad) has an out-the-door price of $83,000.  That's not a misprint- the price starts with an EIGHT.

At 4.9% financing (available only to customers with credit scores in the top 10%) and no money down, this translates into payments of $1193 spread out over Seventy-Two Months.)  The AVERAGE new car of ANY model carries a note of $775 per month for an average of SIXTY months.  Buying this truck isn't a Declaration of Independence; it's the taking of a new mortgage.  

I also love that this ad shows a young black woman buying the truck.  The average black family in the United States has an annual income of $56,000 compared to just over $80,000 for the average white family.  This truck is not a feasible purchase for white people; it's downright insulting to show a twenty-something black girl buying one.  (BTW, how many twentysomething black girls in the United States do you think qualify for 4.9% financing?  How many who AREN'T celebrities?)

I bet people who buy these things are sold on the fact that they are, after all, Toyotas and not Kias or Hyundais or (g-d forbid) Jeeps or Fords and therefore at least will provide reliable transportation and keep more of their value over the seven years they are going to be chained at the hip to them.  But still- signing away money that could be building equity in a retirement fund for a depreciating asset that wasn't worth anything close to the price tag when BRAND NEW is shocking-stupid and definitely something I would expect an inexperienced, silly young person to do with a huge smile on her face while a salesperson (who absolutely has something to celebrate) shoots off confetti.