This guy died, Circa 2026.

 

The way that this ad is filmed, it looks as though the guy in it does absolutely nothing except stare at his phone and gamble.  Except when he takes breaks to call the "unsurpassed Customer Support" with a smile on his face- as if anyone has ever called Customer Support while smiling.  Please.

All of this just strikes me as being really, really sad.  This guy looks to be in his late-20s; in other words, in the very prime of life.  And he seems to be spending it risking his money with a stupid sports gambling app (in other words, a gambling app.)  Maybe this would make sense if it showed a guy my age or older retired, lonely, and/or bored.  But this guy has the best years of his life ahead of him- also, the best years of his EARNING potential ahead of him.  Why is he spending so much time grinning like a lobotomized idiot at odds, parlays, whatever the hell this crap is offering him?

Let's just arrange the funeral before this guy starts to stink.  

Hyundai's Getaway Sales Event "Confession" ad is as dumb as it gets

 

You see, it's funny because Catholics are required to go to confession every so often and the priest who hears this confession decides to go ahead and indulge in the same "sin" that Good Catholic confessed...yeah, no kidding, that's the entire joke.

If I had a nickel for every time the Catholic Confession Ritual was played for laughs on commercials, in movies, sitcoms etc. I'd be really, really wealthy.  I've never understood why this particular sacrament is considered in the Public Domain when we pretty much NEVER see any other religious practices mocked or evenly politely commented on, but I know it predates the unfortunate scandals concerning the church that have dominated the headlines for the past fifty years or so. 

In this ad, Hyundai continues the stupid bit of pretending that it's deals during their Seasonal Sales Event are so good, you really might feel like you did something wrong by participating in it.  Let me set my audience straight on this:  If you drive off the lot in a new car worried that a mistake was made and you got away with something, that means only one thing- the salesman did an excellent job convincing you that he was doing you a huge favor while he was picking your pocket.  It is the dream of every car salesman to have a customer convinced that if he doesn't sign on the dotted line right now the SALESMAN will change his mind and refuse to sell.  All those car ads that show people dashing off to the showrooms to claim cars "before they are all gone" like they are rushing to grab the last seat on the Titanic's last lifeboat- please.

The woman in the Confessional has nothing to Confess.  The priest probably does, though whatever it is probably has nothing to do with his coveting of a freaking Hyundai.  The only obvious guilty party is the scumbag sales person who is convincing people that they are getting Steals on overpriced Not-Toyotas, making them feel so badly about "cheating" their Hyundai Dealership that they feel the need to go to Confession.  That guy should be ashamed, but he's too busy depositing his commission at the moment.

A McDonald's and A Quiet Place III crossover ad?

 

Unless flesh-eating monsters are going to break down the door and devour these two morons (what I would call "a happy ending") their behavior throughout this commercial is the most preposterous slop I think I've ever seen, and I've seen a LOT of preposterous slop coming out of the advertising world over the past five decades or so....

Seriously, these people act as if some horrific disaster will come down on their heads if one of their babies wakes up, and that their babies will wake up if a penny falls on the carpet.  They are living in a horrific dystopia- not only are they terrified of their children, but they are reduced to ordering vastly marked-up processed garbage "food" from McDonald's.  I wish them speedy relief from the hellscape they are living in (preferably delivered by flesh-eating monsters.)  

By the way, what does that guy pay for his delivery with? It almost looks like cash.  I caught a glimpse of that stuff a few times last week, when I found myself stuck behind people who had inexplicably dropped in from the 1970s and were using it to buy donuts and fancy coffee and iced drinks and pretty much everything else when I was trying to get Iris her strawberry donut and myself my black coffee so I could get on with life.  Is that a tip?  What country was this filmed in?  What is going on here?

M&T Bank and another Family Winery

 

"this farm has been in our family since the 1700s..."

Hmm.  Farm in the Chesapeake Region producing a cash crop.  Since the 1700s.  I can't help but wonder who provided most of the hard labor on this "family farm" before, say, 1865 or so.  I'm guessing that they didn't look at all like the guy waxing poetic about his Family's Contribution to Alcohol Consumption that goes back to pre-Revolutionary Days.

This is the SECOND M&T commercial featuring a family winery.  By my estimate, about one in 6 Americans already owns a winery, a microbrewery, or both.  And (also by my estimate, I'm not going to look it up) approximately 60 percent of all small businesses in the United States produce alcohol, coffee, or cupcakes.  I'd say that market is pretty saturated- one look at the wine section at your local grocery store will show you that they ran out of names for wineries several decades ago and are just using random name generators now.

So...um, M&T?  Maybe start diversifying a little bit?  How about showing us the Heartwarming Story of a Small Business Owner whose Dream is NOT to produce a luxury item in a market where that item is literally a dime a dozen?  I mean, it's not like I'm going to be without wine if these guys go under- or if Kathy's Kwirky Kupcakes and Koffee can't get a loan to float them to the next quarter.

The lost (but necessary) verses of Billy Joel's "Piano Man"

 

And Billy he sits at his keyboard

Condescension it drips from his face

Ignoring the prominent tip jar 

He thinks that he owns the whole place

"I know the back story of every man

who regularly haunts this old bar

and I pretend I'm so much Better Than

and nowhere the Losers they are."

_______________________________________________

"Sing us a song you're the Piano Man

there's no reason to just make us wait

and we don't need permission

'cause you're just a musician

so why do you think your life's so Great?  

--OR--

"Hey Piano Man just stuff your attitude

we're not here to be frowned on by you

we don't need any pity 

and we don't think you're witty

and remember that you're in here too."

What the F is with this Small Business Ad?

 

You know, if you want my business maybe DON'T launch a series of ads telling me that Entrepreneurs are "built different," as if you are of a Superior Line to us 9-5 Lessars.

Because in the end, it's our money- gained from 9 to 5 jobs- that you're grubbing for, depend on, and simply cannot survive without.  So maybe get out of my face with this "we're built different" BS.  Frankly, I don't give a damn if your Quirky Little Shop That's Been Your Dream Ever Since You Figured You Were Too Good For The Grind survives or not.  I don't give a damn how hard you think you work, or how hard you actually do work.  No matter WHAT you are offering the public, it is definitely NOT unique to your business and I absolutely guarantee I can get it somewhere else.  Maybe the quality won't be as good, but it will be cheaper.  Maybe the quality will be better, it will just be more expensive.  Maybe it will be equal in all respects except that can get it faster from someone else.

Or maybe, just maybe, I can get it from someone who isn't going to assault me with a bragging "We're Just Better Than You" ad campaign "explaining" why self-styled Entrepreneurs are "Just Built Differently" from this career 9-to-5er who, sorry, doesn't owe you one damn thing including money.

You're dumb enough even for Autotrader? Really?

 

"I get shopping for cars on line- but you're really going to BUY one online?"

"Really."

"You're really going to pick out a car based on AI-enhanced images?"

"Really."

"You're going to commit to payments of $530 a month for SIXTY MONTHS without even test-driving the car?"

"Really."

"And you're really going tto do this with a year-old Hyundai Tuscan?" 

"Really."

"And you're really going to do all this and have the dealership just drop off the car without you even taking it to a mechanic and having it checked out?  A Hyundai?"

"Really."  

"Not even a simple walk around the car to check for dings, not even a quick look at the engine so you can PRETEND to have a clue, not even a glance at the interior to check for cracks, stains, rips...Really?"

"Really."

"Could you do me a favor?  Please tell me I'm adopted.  I mean- are you Really my biological parent?"

"Really."

"I'm so totally screwed."