I won't take supplement advice from Doug Flutie or Frank Thomas. I'm certainly not taking supplement advice from a guy who thinks that the tidal schedule is some kind of Unsolved Mystery. But I absolutely believe that O'Reilly is giving actual personal testimony here and not just picking up a quick buck as a pitchman. O'Reilly's brain is in a permanently relaxed state.
Here at Berlin City Toyota of Portland (wow, couldn't fit a few more words into that title?) there's never been a better time to sign up for multiple years of debt to drive a truck you don't need to impress people you don't know while spending money you don't have!
Come in today with thousands of dollars down (why not borrow it? It's America 2026, so no one will even blink at the prospect of borrowing a down payment!) and sign on the dotted line, locking yourself into a contract of six, seven or even EIGHT YEARS of payments on a truck that will be worth roughly 20 percent less than you paid the moment you drive it off the lot. A truck that will NEVER be used for ANY of the things we show it being used for in the ad because you will desperately try to keep it looking new for as long as possible to mask the intense regret you feel for this stupid impulse buy!
Do it NOW, because these things are flying off the showroom floor, honest! It's not that we are desperate to clear them out before the 2027 models arrive just after Labor Day, making these look like old garbage to your neighbors! Never mind that waiting six months and buying last year's version of exactly the same truck will save you thousands in depreciation! SIGN UP FOR DEBT NOW because
it's what the salesperson working on commission desperately needs from you the smart thing to do!
(Although I must say, I feel kind of weird even commenting on one of these ads. I mean, it's for a company that proudly calls itself "gas station pizza." That's about as self-effacing and ghetto as you can get.)
(Also, sorry about the extra step required to view the ad. There are other RaceTrac ads I AM allowed to link to directly, but not this one. I'll probably revisit this company in the future, though. These ads are pretty funny.)
1. The woman in this ad flies awkwardly to RaceTrac to get pizza, I guess- and we see her levitate over to the Standard Mostly-Water-Advertised-as-Soda Fountain to get a cup of ice and water and a little soda. But when she gets to the register, she's got pizza and two bottles of Coke and no fountain drink in sight. Check the cameras, RaceTrac. This woman guzzled a fountain drink and tossed the cup without paying for it. Maybe that explains the weird look on her face; it certainly suggests to me that she's trying to convince the clerk that she's NOT trying to get away with something.
2. If you find yourself happily sitting in the front seat of your car devouring a gas station pizza by yourself, your life has taken a sad, dark turn and I promise you it's not too late to change direction and get it together. Life is too short to be like this, buddy. It's going to be even shorter if you keep consuming RaceTrac (or any other gas station) pizza.
The way that this ad is filmed, it looks as though the guy in it does absolutely nothing except stare at his phone and gamble. Except when he takes breaks to call the "unsurpassed Customer Support" with a smile on his face- as if anyone has ever called Customer Support while smiling. Please.
All of this just strikes me as being really, really sad. This guy looks to be in his late-20s; in other words, in the very prime of life. And he seems to be spending it risking his money with a stupid sports gambling app (in other words, a gambling app.) Maybe this would make sense if it showed a guy my age or older retired, lonely, and/or bored. But this guy has the best years of his life ahead of him- also, the best years of his EARNING potential ahead of him. Why is he spending so much time grinning like a lobotomized idiot at odds, parlays, whatever the hell this crap is offering him?
Let's just arrange the funeral before this guy starts to stink.
You see, it's funny because Catholics are required to go to confession every so often and the priest who hears this confession decides to go ahead and indulge in the same "sin" that Good Catholic confessed...yeah, no kidding, that's the entire joke.
If I had a nickel for every time the Catholic Confession Ritual was played for laughs on commercials, in movies, sitcoms etc. I'd be really, really wealthy. I've never understood why this particular sacrament is considered in the Public Domain when we pretty much NEVER see any other religious practices mocked or evenly politely commented on, but I know it predates the unfortunate scandals concerning the church that have dominated the headlines for the past fifty years or so.
In this ad, Hyundai continues the stupid bit of pretending that it's deals during their Seasonal Sales Event are so good, you really might feel like you did something wrong by participating in it. Let me set my audience straight on this: If you drive off the lot in a new car worried that a mistake was made and you got away with something, that means only one thing- the salesman did an excellent job convincing you that he was doing you a huge favor while he was picking your pocket. It is the dream of every car salesman to have a customer convinced that if he doesn't sign on the dotted line right now the SALESMAN will change his mind and refuse to sell. All those car ads that show people dashing off to the showrooms to claim cars "before they are all gone" like they are rushing to grab the last seat on the Titanic's last lifeboat- please.
The woman in the Confessional has nothing to Confess. The priest probably does, though whatever it is probably has nothing to do with his coveting of a freaking Hyundai. The only obvious guilty party is the scumbag sales person who is convincing people that they are getting Steals on overpriced Not-Toyotas, making them feel so badly about "cheating" their Hyundai Dealership that they feel the need to go to Confession. That guy should be ashamed, but he's too busy depositing his commission at the moment.
Unless flesh-eating monsters are going to break down the door and devour these two morons (what I would call "a happy ending") their behavior throughout this commercial is the most preposterous slop I think I've ever seen, and I've seen a LOT of preposterous slop coming out of the advertising world over the past five decades or so....
Seriously, these people act as if some horrific disaster will come down on their heads if one of their babies wakes up, and that their babies will wake up if a penny falls on the carpet. They are living in a horrific dystopia- not only are they terrified of their children, but they are reduced to ordering vastly marked-up processed garbage "food" from McDonald's. I wish them speedy relief from the hellscape they are living in (preferably delivered by flesh-eating monsters.)
By the way, what does that guy pay for his delivery with? It almost looks like cash. I caught a glimpse of that stuff a few times last week, when I found myself stuck behind people who had inexplicably dropped in from the 1970s and were using it to buy donuts and fancy coffee and iced drinks and pretty much everything else when I was trying to get Iris her strawberry donut and myself my black coffee so I could get on with life. Is that a tip? What country was this filmed in? What is going on here?
"this farm has been in our family since the 1700s..."
Hmm. Farm in the Chesapeake Region producing a cash crop. Since the 1700s. I can't help but wonder who provided most of the hard labor on this "family farm" before, say, 1865 or so. I'm guessing that they didn't look at all like the guy waxing poetic about his Family's Contribution to Alcohol Consumption that goes back to pre-Revolutionary Days.
This is the SECOND M&T commercial featuring a family winery. By my estimate, about one in 6 Americans already owns a winery, a microbrewery, or both. And (also by my estimate, I'm not going to look it up) approximately 60 percent of all small businesses in the United States produce alcohol, coffee, or cupcakes. I'd say that market is pretty saturated- one look at the wine section at your local grocery store will show you that they ran out of names for wineries several decades ago and are just using random name generators now.
So...um, M&T? Maybe start diversifying a little bit? How about showing us the Heartwarming Story of a Small Business Owner whose Dream is NOT to produce a luxury item in a market where that item is literally a dime a dozen? I mean, it's not like I'm going to be without wine if these guys go under- or if Kathy's Kwirky Kupcakes and Koffee can't get a loan to float them to the next quarter.
