It's very simple- if you can't afford to attend a wedding, just say you can't attend the wedding. It's a win-win- you get to keep your money, AND you get to avoid going to a wedding. With my sage wisdom I've saved you from a lost weekend and debt regret.
Or you can go to DebtHappens.com or Dave.com or whatever the hell this is I don't even want to check again and grab a scummy payday loan at an insane interest rate so you can continue to live in denial and show well for your idiot friends, one of which thinks its perfectly ok to make her guests spend serious money to help her "celebrate" her "perfect day." Gag.
So I guess the idea is that Xfinity is so reliable that it will continue to function even after the fall of civilization at the hands of the zombie hordes...or that the zombie hordes are so dedicated to remaining addicted to their stupid phones, they'll work to keep 5G up and running as they devastate everything else on the planet?
This guy is trying to escape zombies but when offered a choice between having whatever is left of his brains being eaten by the zombie apocalypse and having to endure a train ride without engaging in brain rot with his phone...he makes sure he can download a movie before jumping on that train. Because nothing, NOTHING is going to force him to be alone with his thoughts for a few hours.
Seriously, dude. Just let the other zombies have your brain. You aren't using it.
"Not a problem- look, I can push a button on my key fob and my Hyundai will just roll right out to me. I don't need to be able to squeeze in."
Me: "Um, that's not what I meant by 'good luck with that.' I meant that you bought a brand-new Hyundai which is already worth 20 percent less than what you paid, and which you are certainly overpaying for anyway, probably over four or five years, too. Good luck with the payments, not to mention the maintenance bills. These things are notoriously unreliable."
"Shut up, that's why! Watch, it parks itself too!"
Jeep is "America's most patriotic automobile brand" despite being owned by an Italian car company better known for producing buggy, unreliable junk since the 1990s.
But I can see how Jeep and Patriotism still go together. Being Patriotic has always been about sacrifice. During World Wars I and II, Americans were asked to limit their consumption of meat, grow their own food in Victory Gardens, recycle grease, tin cans and paper, and take that vacation fund and use it to buy War Bonds instead.
During World War II sugar was highly rationed and good luck trying to buy a new set of tires for the family car (which you were NOT going to be taking for Sunday drives until the Nazis were put down once and for all.) You were supposed to carpool and even the ladies were expected to Do Their Part in the munitions factories. Again- it was all about Sacrifice.
Well, buying a Jeep certainly allows the modern generation to share that sense of sacrifice. When you buy a Jeep, you'll be sacrificing a large chunk of your paycheck to the local mechanic. You'll be sacrificing hours of your life to sitting in that mechanic's waiting room, hoping this time the drain on your wallet is only MILDLY Patriotic (you need a new battery) rather than Uber, Huge Flag-Waving Patriotic (you need a new transmission on your Stellantis Crapbox despite the fact that it's still under 50,000 on the odometer.)
If you're really lucky, the Jeep won't force you to experience some of that Patriotism when you're trying to get your child, who has just lost three fingers having fun with the Almost As Patriotic Firework Pack included, to the emergency room. Maybe this time it WON'T Patriotically conk out on the highway while she's keeping pressure on the stump to keep from bleeding to death. If it doesn't, well, you'll have plenty of time to demonstrate your sense of Patriotism later- maybe by flying a huge American flag from the truck bed as you drive through a shallow creek, or something. You can pretend you're hitting the beach at Normandy to ramp up the Patriotism Factor as your child provides the blood to bring the experience to life.
So a slim woman walks up to a morbidly obese woman like a freaking drug dealer and starts blathering about- a fitness program? A diet? Ozempic? Naw- she's here to pitch a stupid app that encourages you to spend hours sitting on your butt playing a brain-rotting game, ostensibly by promising to pay you to play it. Then we see that the pitch is successful- the morbidly obese woman, instead of going to the gym or taking a walk is spending an evening sitting in a dark room staring at a phone playing some Candy Crush knock-off, a game "she already enjoyed playing." The difference is that now she's being encouraged to be sedentary by the promise of a few pennies of Amazon credit she can use to buy- is that a Fitness watch? How ironic would THAT be?
*Not the unicorn passing the window of the doctor's office as if that office is in a suburban home or something. I mean, seriously, what the hell? No, I'm referring to the "people" in this ad, who talk and act exactly as if they were generated by some low-cost Artificial Intelligence provider.
For example, what doctor would say something like "I've got good news" like a freaking robot reciting a script, especially when referring to a new drug he's prescribing?
"I've got good news."
"Oh, my condition is no big deal and will clear up with an improvement in my diet and time?"
"Um, no. The good news is that I'm prescribing a brand new drug that just hit the market and which I can't possibly have any real data on concerning it's success rate on patients with your symptoms."
"So the good news is....that it's covered by my insurance?"
"Well, yes. If it wasn't covered by your insurance, I wouldn't be prescribing it."
The unicorn passing by the window? That's not a symptom. That's the drug that is both beneficial and covered by insurance. You know- the ultimate Unicorn.
Seems simple enough- just switch from your current carrier to T-Mobile and the people at T-Mobile will be so thrilled to get your $50 a month that they'll GIVE you a thousand-dollar iPhone ("on us," as they put it.) What's not to like? Better take advantage of the deal before T-Mobile wakes up and realizes that they are paying a very high price just to add a new customer and it will literally take YEARS for them to break even on the deal, if you even stay with them that long....
Oh, wait. The phone is a basic 17, and you can get UP TO $830 in CREDITS when you sign up, AFTER you pay the sales tax on the full retail value of the phone....and the credits will come with each phone bill, locking you into your contract with T-Mobile, as if you cancel before the phone is paid off (yeah, by now I hope you've figured out that you aren't actually getting a free phone, just a phone on a monthly installment plan) you'll be handed a bill for the balance...and let's not forget the $35 connection charge, $35 being a number decided in a boardroom that has absolutely NOTHING to do with the actual cost of "connecting" you to T-Mobile's service (that actual cost is, coincidentally, NOTHING.)
In short, get a stripped-down phone at a discount which goes up in proportion to the number of bells and whistles you add to your service. This is a pretty blatant bait-and-switch that probably sounds good to Stupid People but really ought to be obvious to anyone who has ever seen the inside of a High School.
Let's get one thing straight- no company is giving anything away, ever. That's not how Capitalism works- hell, it's not how Economics works. If T-Mobile is ready to hand me an iPhone, T-Mobile has figured out how to get me to pay for it in a way that makes me look like I'm getting something for nothing. Except that I don't buy Apple products so I'm not playing- plus, I've seen the inside of a High School.
