That Volkswagen Tiguan "Director" Commercial. Um, what?

 

1.  This guy just plows through a lawn I guess, jumps out and announces "I'm the director."  I guess he's late?  I guess there are no parking lots here?

2.  Wait, he's not a director, he just has a small part in a movie about soccer?  He's playing a referee who doesn't know anything about the sport, but he has at least one line he can't get right on the first take?  I'm sorry but what the hell is going on here?

3.  The actual director doesn't care because he's too busy drooling over the guy's Volkswagen.  Personally, I'd be more interested in why this nobody parked his car there, but this is a commercial for Volkswagen so of course the focus is on the allegedly awesome, allegedly expensive-looking car.  Thing is, nobody in the history of anything has ever been this impressed by a freaking Volkswagen, so this ad fails again.

4.  "How much are we paying this guy" to show up late and flub a line?  Um, too much.  But we are supposed to believe that we hear the line because the Volkswagen looks like a luxury car that must carry a luxury price tag.  Dude, it's a Volkswagen.  I looked it up- apparently it's named "Tiguan" because that's a combination of the German words for leopard and iguana.  I hope that's true, because the only thing that can make this commercial more unintentionally funny is the idea that a group of people in an office building in Berlin called it a day after coming up with this.  There's not giving a f--k, and then there's "let's just combine leopard and iguana, we aren't curing cancer here."

Medishare- because being a moron with your health is very Christian

 

There is little on TV or radio more cringe than commercials for MediShare, the "Christian Community" that claims to offer "Biblically-based" (gag) "help" in paying medical bills.  

There is so much of this that just reeks of Cult thinking and hatred of the "outsider."  Medishare's "community" consists of people who apparently think that there's something un-Biblical about actual health insurance (do they feel the same way about car insurance?  Are they literally "Jesus take the wheel" types?)  No doubt they shy away from insurance because they don't want to participate in a system that may pay for certain procedures they find offensive- you know, the ones that involve Evil Evil very non-Biblical Family Planning.  So we have this blonde woman who sounds like her head is full of cotton candy and mythology bleating about how Medishare helps her and her family avoid the risk of funding medical care they disapprove of by pooling their cash into a very exclusive fund for Like-Minded Bigots who also bleat "Christian Values" and "Biblical" with sing-song voices and empty smiles.

I'd also like to know what hospitals and doctor's offices think of Medishare.  I've never seen it listed among the actual insurance companies that work with the dentists, doctors, and physical therapists I've dealt with over the years.  I strongly suspect that people who rely on Medishare are required to pay for services out-of-pocket and then request reimbursement from their Jesus-Endorsed Pastor Says So not-Insurance's automated menu.  

Here's what I don't get about this woman in particular.  If she really cares about "Christian Values," why is she trying to teach her audience about anything?  I'm a male; I should not be taking instruction from this or any other woman.  Why isn't her husband doing the talking here?  He needs to apply the rod while the rest of us begin to gather up stones.  It's Biblical, after all. 

It's Elvis Week at Graceland. I do not understand.

 

That's the actual tagline of the radio commercials- "It's Elvis week at Graceland!"

1.  Isn't this like scheduling Red Sox Week at Fenway Park or Pope Week in Vatican City?  Does McDonald's have a Hamburger Week?  Does Hersheypark have a Chocolate Week?  I mean, what the hell?

2.  What are the other 51 weeks at Graceland about if they aren't about Elvis?  Are other Rock 'n Roll Stars celebrated in those weeks?  What exactly is going on here?

Golden Corral has stopped trying to sell itself as a Restaurant....

 

I mean, there's no indication that food is in any way involved in what I just saw.  

This creepy adolescent member of this creepy family is literally playing with whatever he chose from America's Favorite Grease Trough.  Oh wait a minute, he's not even playing with one of HIS selections- he took a piece of pig fat from dad's plate and is using it to perform some kind of....um...."magic" trick.  I know it's supposed to be a magic trick because Awful Enabling Mom says it is. 

Maybe that baby back rib is on the floor.  It's probably on the floor.  It's wasteful and stupid to treat calories like this, but the kid doesn't care and the parents don't care and probably the staff that reloads the Feed Bins don't care either because they stopped caring about anything a long time ago (it's a necessary defense mechanism for anyone who works at Golden Corral, America's Favorite WTF-Ever.)

Downy, Please Stop the Unstoppable.

 

1.  I don't know what the guy in this ad does for a living, but he makes a very good salary because flight attendants don't make much and come on, look at that house.  Are they just Friends with Benefits?  Then why is he washing her clothes?  Is that one of the benefits?

2.  Let's pretend this is her house.  She can afford a suburban palace, but she has only one work shirt?  Aren't those provided by the airlines anyway?  Stewards can have painfully long shifts; I would be surprised if they didn't carry spare shirts ON THE PLANE in case of emergencies.  But she's panicking because she has to wear yesterday's shirt again?

3.  If the shirt is still clean because it was washed in Downy, why didn't she have this reaction to its smell the FIRST time she wore it?  Does it smell BETTER after an entire day's wearing than when it first comes out of the dryer?  What the hell is going on here?

4.  In an age where people are getting fired for making Tiktoks while being inappropriate while on the job, I'm not sure what she does next lands very well.  Girl, what the hell are you doing? When you wear that shirt, you represent the people who sign your paychecks.  Can you try to remember this before you act like you're making an OnlyFans at your place of employment?

What has become of my society???

Another look at this Ethos Life Commercial

 

The commenters on this ad get it right, especially the one that suggests the guy should NOT drink that coffee before checking it for arsenic.  I'd go one better and have a mechanic come over to check the breaks on his car, too, because this woman is a Black Widow in the making.

Her "horrible dream" doesn't involve being left without a husband and her child being left without a dad.  It's them being left without enough money to maintain the lifestyle he provides.  It was a "nightmare" because dad's unbelievable selfishness in getting himself killed in a car accident before signing up for life insurance left her actually having to go back into the work force to pay for all the stuff he currently pays for.  Did she wake up upset about losing her husband?  No, she woke up upset about the sudden upending of her financial situation. 

Fortunately, Dad is pretty clueless and not really listening- or has become numb or really good at filtering what his scheming, gold-digging, Machiavellian wife says to him, and quickly buys into the idea that he should buy a lot of life insurance.*  Why a relatively young, apparently healthy man would buy from a company that offers insurance without any medical examination I can't explain; it's pretty much the same as a person with an 800 credit score, money in the bank and credit cards getting his tv and furniture from Rent-A-Center, but whatever.  Dad now knows that his wife will sleep peacefully at night, knowing that if he's in a terrible accident- the brakes fail, or he falls down a well with no witnesses around, or he mistakes mysteriously tasteless rat poison for creamer, there are so many ways a person can Accidentally Die which do not violate the conditions of a life insurance policy, after all- his wife and kid can continue to live in that big house and drive the Lexus SUV he got them for Christmas last year and not worry about bills.  If they need physical labor done around the house, Ralph the neighbor across the way whose wife died in a tragic taco-eating accident last year is always available to help out, he's so friendly and nice and come to think of it, he works for Ethos Life man it's a small world. 

Hyundai's stupid "Getaway" Commercials

 

If you find yourself driving away from a dealership in a new car worried that you've somehow pulled a fast one on that dealership that will get you in trouble with the law, I have some news for you:

1.  The salesman played you like a fiddle and you haven't read the fine print.

2.  You are an absolute moron who probably thinks that scratch off tickets and online gambling are good, affordable fun.

3.  (closely associated with #1,) you have no idea how much you paid compared to how much that Rapidly Depreciating non-Asset is actually worth.

4.  The most charitable thing I can say about you is that you are an actor in a Hyundai Commercial and you are being paid to pretend to be ridiculously enthusiastic about your purchase of a freaking Hyundai.

And if you AREN'T an actor in a Hyundai Commercial, well....I really don't know what else to tell you except, no, you have not Beaten the House at the dealership.  Knowing nothing about the "deal" you made, I know with absolute certainty that you paid too much, not too little, and the dealership is not wondering how on Earth you got the better of them because that did not happen and has never happened in the history of Anything.  You don't have to hide out anywhere.  Nobody is coming after you.  That won't happen until you fail to make payments at some point in the next 72 months of the contract and the repo man is hunting for that Hyundai at the behest of the dealership or the bank.  THEN you'll be needing the use of your mom's garage to hide it.  Moron.