Seriously, the jokes write themselves. If this is the "Best Luxury SUV in the city," that's either a very small city or a large city in which all of the other SUVs are out on vacation somewhere. And the reason why they can be on vacation is because unlike this ridiculous piece of garbage, they can actually travel more than a hundred miles or so without the Check Engine Light coming on.
Anyone who buys one of these things has money burning a hole in their pocket and mice building nests in the hole in their head. The only Range these things Rove is the one between the side of the road and the local garage.
Since "fan work is thirsty work," I strongly encourage you to remember that it's the weekend and you should not be doing any work at all. Maybe it's just me, but whether I'm sitting in a sports bar or a stadium, it's perfectly fine with me if the person sitting in the next seat isn't screaming like a deranged banshee as if anyone on the field can hear what he's bellowing. I sure can hear it, and I don't want to. Just drink your stupid soda, idiot.
In the 1980s, there was this machine called a Bowflex which was advertised as being able to replace an entire gym worth of equipment. Every exercise you needed to become pumped was available in one simple assembly of hard rubber bows attached to a bench so scrap that Gold's Gym membership and buy one of these things and work out in the comfort of your own home.
Later, Bowflex began to introduce different versions of its base machine, different machines altogether, and adjustable weights- each of which really undermined the original "this is all you need" pitch.
In the 2010s, Peloton made basically the same argument with it's bike which became enormously popular during COVID as going to the gym became impossible and some people simply refused to acknowledge the countless number of free online workout programs being made available by wannabee fitness influencers.
But come to think of it, the latest incarnation of the "Peloton System," which doesn't even include biking, is better compared to all those commercials for sickly-sweet overpriced cereal which featured the carb and sugar-heavy junk in bowls surrounded by juice, toast, and a glass of milk- "Part of this Complete Breakfast." Thing is, you could take that bowl of chemicals out of the equation and still have a complete breakfast (a more nutritious and healthy one, in fact.) Likewise, we see the woman in this ad doing all kinds of great calorie-burning movements and working up a healthy sweat, all without any need for a $1500 bike and subscription service. Ah, because it's a "System," you see. The bike is still part of the system- Part of a Complete Workout Program, if you will. But let's be honest- it's the very, very expensive part, and a truly Unnecessary Part. It's the Cap'n Crunch of the breakfast table. And the metaphor is even more apt when you check out the price of Cap'n Crunch.
The ad tells us that the Jeep Grand Cherokee is an "ultra luxurious and capable SUV." Let's break down that nonsense, shall we?
It's a Jeep which is an SUV. I hardly know where to start with this one. Remember when the Jeep was a unique vehicle for people who wanted to ape the experience of being in the military without all the shooting? People who wanted a vehicle to crash through forests and shallow ponds and drive up sand dunes in? Well, you don't do that crap with an SUV. (You don't do it with a Jeep these days, either, unless you want it to break in half the first time it hits a stump. Do I really have to remind you that this is a Stellantis product?)
It's a Grand Cherokee, which means that the Company formerly Recognized as Jeep might be willing to sell out pretty much everything that made it's brand unique but it's drawing the line at surrendering cultural appropriation.
It's Ultra Luxurious, which means it's got comfy heated seats and lots of expensive screens and Bluetooth and all that other stuff nobody in their right mind could imagine being in a Jeep thirty years ago when Jeeps were still cool-looking and fun to imagine owning. Gotta justify that $72000 price tag, I guess, and buzzphrases like "Ultra Luxurious" sure helps. Pretty sure that those Jeeps in Korea and Vietnam weren't anything close to "Luxurious," but then again they weren't SUVs either, so....
It's "capable." This is damning with faint praise and just meaningless. Capable of what, exactly? Hitting 10,000 miles on the odometer without needing serious, expensive shop maintenance? I kind of doubt it. Again, this is Stellantis, Latin for Crap. Capable of getting from Point A to Point B on most occasions? Sure, why not. But you can get that in an SUV (and the bottom line is, this is an SUV, not a Jeep) for one-third the price of this nonsense and best of all, you can get it in a product that has the Toyota or Honda emblem on it which means it will actually last and cost a minimal amount to maintain.
I won't miss Jeep, because it's already a dead brand. Whatever this is, it sure as hell isn't a Jeep. Just another UpperMiddleClassFamilymobile pretending to be something cooler. Available for only 84 easy payments of $857 plus tax. Hard pass.
1. How empty and sad are the lives of these people if they are so excited to witness the absorption qualities of a paper towel?
2. If Bounty is so effective that you can use just a little for small skills, why are they keeping an unopened roll right next to the opened roll on the kitchen counter? Shouldn't that be put away for when it's needed- like, weeks from now?
1. Collude with politicians to reduce penalties for falsifying earnings reports.
2. Also collude with politicians to socialize any losses because Oil Drums are a Vital Part of the Nation's EconomyTM.
3. Bribe media personalities to hype your product and inflate the demand for your stock further, naturally increasing the cost of the stock while doing nothing to increase the value of the company.
4. Pay yourself in stock to avoid income tax.
5. Hire lobbyists to ensure that the Estate Tax stays low so you can hand your business off to your heirs while contributing as little as possible to the infrastructure that makes it possible. (Notice we don't see any actual workers being portrayed here? Where are these drums coming from?)
6. If you don't want to invest in making a "better product," just use your financial leverage to undercut competitors with rock-bottom prices until they are out of business, and then gobble them up.
1. I agree with one commentator who suggests that this commercial is so vapid and vanilla that it could very well be a piece of Deep Fake which includes no actual actors and was 100 percent generated by AI.
2. I agree with another commentator who suggests that this commercial perfectly encapsulates the mindset of the current generation- devoid of originality, incapable of coming up with any ideas on their own, relying on a mindless, soulless Artificial Intelligence Entity to create ideas for a road trip with just you and your....sister? What the hell....
3. Who on Earth goes on a road trip with their sister? What the hell is going on here? I have my own theory...
4. You don't get suggestions on Good Places to Bury the Body unless you upgrade to the $19.99 per month version.
