When I first started this blog, I actually looked for this ad because it was still on television and I found it absolutely horrifying. I stumbled upon it on YouTube just the other day and figured better late than never. Let's talk about this ridiculous family and the lengths it goes to to be as inert as possible.
The guy and his wife complain that the signal from their satellite dish or antennae was being blocked by the foliage in their backyard. Because Television Uber Alles, the guy actually got himself outside in the fresh air and sunshine and did some physical work that didn't involve scrolling (this was 2003, after all- scrolling wasn't really a thing yet.) At least, I think he did- he says that in response to a $400 estimate for tree clearage he "did some pruning." Oh, who am I kidding- he means he paid other people to do that work. While he worked on that dad-shaped dent in the couch.
After all these efforts, he had a natural wooden pole where a tree used to be and I guess the signal still wasn't very good, so the family decided to go back to cable. We are told this as a way-too-big toddler lurches across the screen (at the 24 second mark, certainly the saddest moment in this entire commercial,) already exhibiting the consequences of being a member of this disgusting family.
Because, I'm sorry, but we can't ignore the elephant in the room: This television-obsessed family is morbidly obese, and the very last thing it needs is more Sedentary Time in front of the Boob Tube. This will sound dark but I actually have to wonder if the adult male and female in this ad are even still alive today. They look like walking- or wobbling- Diabetes. And how did those kids turn out? Are they chips off the old block of lard? Are they currently as into Netflix and staring at their phones as mom and dad were in watching cable tv?
Subaru is a Deeply CaringTM Company because (for a limited time*) it will give a donation to the American Cancer Society for every Subaru purchased. That's the message they want us to take in, and here's a cancer victim they're willing to exploit in the process of selling it.
Now let's break this down and expose why this is cynical, shameless, and just plain gross:
The deal is that Subaru will give a "Minimum Contribution" of $300 for each Subaru purchased or leased between 12/20/2025 and 01/02/2026. Yeah, this is a VERY limited time offer. Not even two full weeks. But we aren't supposed to notice that- the Awwwwww Isn't Subaru Wonderful vibes are supposed to last a lot longer. Is this a popular time of year to buy a new car? I don't know, maybe. I doubt that has anything to do with the timing of this ad however, unless there's a sense of desperation to get the 2025s off the lot before they depreciate even more.
Yeah, but it's a super-generous offer anyway, right? Well, let's see how generous it really is:
According to Edmunds.com, depending on the model, a new Subaru Outback will run you anywhere from $31,000 to $46,000. The same site informs me that the typical Lease deal on the same car will run anywhere from $340 to $700 or more a month, assuming $2500 down, plus interest. In other words, Subaru's very very generous Heart of Gold Offer amounts to something considerably less than one percent of the total price of the purchase, or less than a single payment, or less than 20% of a single down payment, or far, far less than the interest the dealership will make on any sale or lease deal.
But I guess we're supposed to ignore all that and focus on the sweet sweet Hallmark-level commercial and the moment which I guess was made possible by Subaru Somehow Just Turn Your Brain Off And Don't Think About It Too Much Just Buy a Subaru Don't You Want To Cure Cancer You Ghouls?
Here's an Alternate Proposal: Maybe spending $30,000 or more buying a Subaru isn't the most efficient way to help fund the cure for cancer. How about writing a check to the American Cancer Society instead? That way you give to a good cause without funding an exploitive corporation AND aren't locked in to a multiyear contract to drive an overrated, overpriced vehicle because you were guilted by a tv commercial into it a few days after Christmas in 2025.
Look, it's no secret to the Several People who actually follow this blog that I consider gambling apps an absolute cancer on everything they touch (mainly professional sports, but if we're honest they've got their tentacles into pretty much anything that involves money, which is pretty much anything.)
Take this commercial (but don't watch it. Save the brain cells, you'll need them.) It got a lot of hype because it's apparently the first Entirely AI-generated ad in the history of Advertising. But I don't care about that- I fully expect all ads to be AI-generated within a few months (so sorry-not-sorry to Toyota Jan, Jake from State Farm, Flo from Progressive, etc.- hope you saved that sweet sweet spokeschoad money.) No, I'd rather keep my focus on a company which unironically uses the pitch "Trade the Future" when promoting the idea that it's fun and exciting and potentially very profitable to bet the rent money and 401(k) on, well, pretty much ANYTHING. Trade the Future, indeed. When the class action lawsuits eventually drag the promoters of crippling addiction to court, they'll certainly be able to claim that they were 100 percent upfront about what was being offered with a touch of the screen. I mean, who can't figure out that "Trade the Future" means "Risk the Future?" As much as I loathe these bloodsuckers, if I were on the jury I'd probably have to rule for them.
Kalshi doesn't win the Worst of the Worst Award on it's own; it must share that "honor" with every gambling app that has gobbled up ad space on American television and streaming services. The commercials are not just the worst things on TV; they represent the worst thing that became Mainstream in American culture in 2025. That sad habit the Uncle you don't talk about at Thanksgiving struggles with is now sold as just another form of entertainment to make whatever you are watching- or doing, or thinking about doing- a little more interesting. And to think that I used to be irritated trying to watch sporting events with people more interested in checking their fantasy stats every 2.5 seconds rather than the actual game on the actual tv. Now I can imagine watch parties featuring people whose ability to pay next month's rent depends on the successful conversion of a 4th and 5 in the third quarter by a team on it's third backup QB.
So here's to you, Gambling Apps- you are the worst of the worst. I'd say you even beat Kevin Hart, but among the many things he whores for is SportsKings, so it's more like a shared honor. Um, Congratulations?
Friends has been off the air for twenty years now, and it's not like Ms. Anniston has been in a series of hit films since then. Why is she still in demand as a spokeschoad?
As for this particular ad- here's an idea, Ms. Anniston. You could just say "no" to pitching the most overpriced item anyone can buy (water is free. It falls from the freaking sky. Here in the Western World- and in most of the non-Western world- it's also available by turning a knob in your own home.) I mean, this is about as close as you can get to selling actual Air. Yes, water is refreshing. Go figure.
So maybe you could just pass on this one, and let some other person pick up a paycheck endorsing bottled water. I mean, instead of arguing with your director about the lines you've been given to read, you freaking Diva. And while we're at it- you didn't make my Top 3 Worst, but if I had an Honorable Mention I think you would definitely have been included. Could you please go away now?
(First of all, I have no damn idea who Meghan Trainor is, nor do I care. There are benefits to being a Boomer. As far as I'm concerned, this is just another Familiar Face being handed money that might have been used to pay claims.*)
Of the three commercial memes I am holding up for extra criticism here in the waning days of 2025, this is the one I'm most hopeful of saying goodbye to in 2026. Of course I'm talking about Jake's multi-year man-crush on Pat Mahomes. Jake's determination to be at Mahomes' side 24/7 expanded to include Andy Reid in 2025, I guess because every once in a while the Quarterback of the Kansas City Chiefs actually had to do some work and not just hang out in random places with State Farm's current Spokeschoad. Thing is, though, Pat Mahomes is not going to be the starting quarterback of the Chiefs for quite some time- not again for the rest of this season, and very possibly not at the start of the 2026-27 campaign.
Pat Mahomes went down with a season-ending injury last week in a loss which sealed Kansas City's elimination from the playoffs for the first time in a decade. The Chiefs will not be in a postseason game for the first time since before Mahomes started his career. Which may mean that Mahomes has even more time to film moronic, creepy and dumb State Farm ads with a "comedian" posing as an insurance agent with a perpetual smirk on his face. But it could also mean that State Farm looks at Mahomes' significant decline this year before being injured, adds in the massive egg his team laid in last year's Superbowl and this new injury, and decides to cut the chord on the played-to-death Jake-Pat bromance and has Jake deciding that it's time to see other people. Maybe other Quarterbacks, maybe random pseudo-celebrities like I presume Meghan Trainor is, but someone other than Pat Mahomes.
I think it's too much to ask that when State Farm inevitably ends its lucrative-but-stupid-as-F Pat and Jake Together Forever ad campaign, they move on from both Pat and Jake. It's far more likely that Jake will simply start appearing joined at the hip with someone else- either a healthy sports figure still in the spotlight every weekend, or a retired one with a recognizable face, or just a series of "who is that again?" types like Ms. Trainor. Just not Mahomes, who was for a few years considered the Second Coming of Tom Brady but Even Better but is now probably looking into the twilight of his career at the tender age of 30. Jake only stalks the best, sorry.
*note to State Farm customers: Please keep these ads in mind the next time your insurance company nickels and dimes you on your claim, drags its feet on getting it paid, or refuses it entirely. None of the public figures who appear in State Farm commercials do it for free. Neither does Jake. That's money that could have been used to make you whole being tossed at millionaires who can't begin to spend the cash they already have. Just a thought to take into the New Year as State Farm looks for a replacement to play Jake's BFF.
I happened to be on the treadmill at my local gym when this came on one of the screens that isn't Forever Tuned in to the Channel Dedicated to Reruns of "Friends." It's oddly worse without sound- you don't know what anyone is hyped about, but you know they are hyped because it's all smiles and clapping and jumping up and down and it goes on and on and on and on AND ON and you can bet it that no news reporting will be going on while some guy in a suit appears and is treated like the Second Coming.
Because I didn't watch it with sound, and because this clip is a merciful four minutes long (in the original, this nonsense is actually repeated at the end of the hour, just in case there were a few survivors of the Cringe Avalanche the viewers were subjected to when this mess started.) So at the time, I had no idea who Robert is or why the Earth was supposed to stop spinning to "welcome" him to the Fox News "Family."
I'm not going to watch it again, for reasons I think are rather obvious. Instead, I just did a quick Wiki search for this Robert Burton guy, and it certainly did clear up a lot. Turns out that Robert Burton is the author of a series of books called The Anatomy of Melancholy, which he published in 1621 and which went through several expansions and revisions over the next several decades. Pretty cool. I don't know why he's joining the local Fox News staff but I'm sure he's got more to say about the state of the world than, say, the guy who does the weather or the guy who reminds us how badly the Wizards suck again this year. And it's about time we heard from people who have been dead for five centuries; too often we lose our connection with them and forget that being dead doesn't necessarily mean you have nothing more to say.
So even though I didn't stick around to see Mr. Burton actually introduced to his new "family," I'm sure he'll fit right in and be a real cut-up in the breakroom when he isn't providing insights concerning issues like, well, Melancholy, and dishing about how he really felt about James I giving a play he wrote a bad review. I'd like his honest opinion of the Wizards, too. Like, are they going to win ten games this year? What do you think, Mr. Burton?
