1. You go to your brother's swim meet to be supportive, but instead of watching the event you're taking the time to scroll insurance apps? What the actual hell?
2. What are you yelling "go!" at? What is "going?" Did anyone even TRY to write a plausible script for this stupid ad?
3. Do the swimmers NORMALLY have someone yelling "GO!" as their signal to start? I thought that coaches used things like whistles or chimes. Why would any of the participants think that "GO!" would be the correct signal to jump into the water? Does this school have ZERO budget?
4. I don't want to sound mean, but...kid on the the swim team? Your brother is a dick, but let's be honest- you weren't winning any competitions today. If you're on a swim team, I'm a backup shortstop for the Red Sox. Who did the casting for this ad?
When the power goes out, there are two types of people: Liberal Woke Snowflakes who curl up into the fetal position to wait for Big Brother Government to run to their rescue, and Rugged Individualist Self-Made Real American Patriots who buy portable generators to store next to their Military-Adjacent Ration Meals and enough guns to hold off the combined forces of Cuba and Mexico when they DO invade just like in the greatest film ever put to grace the screen, Red Dawn (the original.)
If you aren't one of those pansy immigrant-loving Socialists who believe in fake things like vaccinations and Society, you know that nobody is coming to save you when Obama, El-Sayed and Kamala hand the power grid over to their Muslim Commie friends. When that happens- and it will, the NEXT time the Democrat Party steals the election, bans the King James Bible and makes gender-affirming surgery mandatory in all public schools- it will just be you, your immediate family, and your arsenal against the Brave New World Order. And if you'll want to keep in touch with your fellow Freedom Fighters, that's going to take electricity. And a Patriot Portable Generator.
Get one now, and we'll throw in six weeks of Patriot Dried Food and a dozen bullseye targets featuring the face of AOC absolutely free, just pay extra shipping and handling. Act now because delivery is not guaranteed after November 4.
You've heard it a thousand times- the phrase that scrambles my brain because I can't believe it's not part of an Onion article and is actually a common selling point that has been used by Allstate and other insurance companies for decades. The phrase that implies that there's only one person responsible for repairing the damage, and it's the person in the mirror, and it's really gauche of you to think otherwise.
The phrase is "Claim Forgiveness."
Think about it. The selling point in this ad is that you don't have to worry about filing a claim on your insurance when the thing you've insured- a house, in this case- suffers damage covered by your policy. Allstate will "forgive" you and won't punish you by raising your rates. Aren't they awesome? Aren't they forgiving? Isn't this the kind of insurance company you want to do business with? I mean, look how nice they are when you ask them to, um, live up to the terms of the contract they signed with you.
Am I taking crazy pills? I was the victim of a hit and run accident three weeks ago. I called my insurance company and filed a claim before the police officer had given me back my driver's license. Know what I didn't do even once during the conversation with the person taking down my information? I didn't use the word "sorry" or ask her to "forgive" me for bothering them with my personal issues while parked on the shoulder of the Garden State Parkway.
I'm such an awful person that when I got home I immediately got the car to a mechanic to confirm the loss, and then even called my company several times to discuss getting it towed away. Having been raised with no manners at all as a member of the Most Entitled Generation, I'm in the process of negotiating a settlement. That's right, I'm actually asking them to reimburse me with enough cash to buy a new (used) car. Because I was raised in a barn, obviously.
I don't have Allstate, so I don't know if my carrier will "forgive" me for my multiple trespasses against them. In case you haven't figured it out already, I'm such an entitled Karen that I haven't even sent flowers or made the slightest move to smooth over our damaged relationship. I mean, my insurance company must feel so betrayed. Our relationship was once so simple- I sent money every month, and they, um, gave me a piece of cardboard with their name on it, and an App. But then I went and complicated everything by filing a claim. Maybe that's Unforgiveable. Maybe some wounds will never heal. I'll have to wait until I buy a new car to find out for sure.
These animals are concerned* that Doug is spending too much time looking at his phone while operating his vehicle. So they all chipped in and bought him a "FoneCup" (gag) that turns a cupholder into a stand for his phone. Because somehow looking down and awkwardly to the right multiple times while checking the Maps app is MUCH better than having a phone at eye level mounted to your dashboard....
Seriously, though- what is the utility of this product? When I take long drives and need to use navigation on my phone, I don't want the screen somewhere near my right hip. What good does that do? It would REQUIRE that I take my eyes completely off the road whenever I want to check my location. This is not a well-thought out idea. This is really dumb.
*when the animals confront this guy in the parking lot, he sheepishly starts to put his phone in his pocket. But they stop him from doing this very sensible thing- perhaps they realize that he's going to take it right back out as soon as he gets into his car?- and give him a way to be even more distracted while driving his multi-ton death machine through rural areas. Do these animals have a death wish, or what?
(Edit: I didn't even notice the ostentatious American flag showing up along with the "Made in America" blurb. And now I'm wondering if those animals spend the entire day standing in parking lots admonishing people about driving distracted because seriously, there's nothing unique about Doug. MOST people I see behind the wheel these days are dividing their attention between the road and their phones, and the road doesn't seem to be getting most of it.)
I mean, whenever I find myself at risk of being buried by my schedule- with essays to assign, collect and grade, tests to prepare along with review packets, emails home to parents about "behavioral concerns," and all the rest, my first impulse is to book a flight to an expensive spa in another state if not another country. Obviously, right? Who doesn't do this?
And I'm not even a fifty-something woman who clearly waited waaaaayyy too long to have kids. I'm sorry, but who was the casting director for this commercial? If this woman is the mother of a kid under the age of 16, I'm a High School teacher who regularly flies off to day spas. And I am NOT a High School teacher who regularly flies off to day spas, despite what I wrote in the first paragraph.
*is "scam" too harsh? How about "Lie by Omission?"
To take advantage of the iPhone 18 "On Us" promotion- and continue to show well for your equally shallow, consumption-driven, debt-addicted friends- you must sign up for a 36-month contract. That contract provides "credits" delivered one at a time for each of those 36 months. You are responsible for the sales tax on the phone, which is likely to retail (for the purposes of managing "credits") in the $2000 range. If you cancel your contract at any time during those 36 months, you'll find yourself liable for the entire cost of the phone and you could see every accumulated "credit" cancelled.
In other words, for that shiny new phone and the privilege of ostentatiously taking it out everywhere you go to let total strangers know you have one, you're locked into a three year contract with a very hefty exit fee. Well, why would you want to exit anyway? Oh, right- so you can take advantage of the NEXT upgrade that for some reason makes your iPhone 18 look horribly dated in 3....2....1....
But I forgot. You're an idiot. You probably signed up- using your perfectly good current phone- before this ad was over.
Here it is: "Now that DraftKings is available in all fifty states, we can take that road trip to the Rose Bowl..."
The implication is that these guys put off taking a long-planned-for road trip because they were not assured of access to their favorite life-wrecking addiction for every mile along the way. Now that online gambling has become so politically powerful that no state can stand up to the pressure and they can impulsively risk money everywhere in the United States, the shackles are off and they travel knowing that they have no annoying hindrances from those awful, freedom-hating state laws that used to save people from themselves.
Meanwhile, here in the real world, we can't count how many family vacations were cancelled because Dad lost that money on a parley that didn't pan out. Not to mention the number of defaulted mortgages and evictions, collapsing credit scores, etc. But these two millionaires pretending to be friends Just Having Good Clean Fun in a Responsible Manner couldn't care less because the blood money is still money.
