Thursday, January 1, 2009

Precious Christmas Memories

No company has done more to promote the concept of Christmas as a season for greedy, rich jackasses to display their wealth in the most ostentatious way imaginable than Lexus, and this year they really outdid themselves. Since I was a very young adult, I've gritted my teeth and managed to get through the yearly Spoiled Rotten Materialistic Undeserving Prick Gets Lexus With Showy Red Ribbon For Christmas commercials (btw, does Lexus make a car that isn't silver?) But this year, Lexus decided to make them even more hate-inducing by introducing the "wonderful memory" concept.

Here's how it went: Nasty rich little girl or boy "recalls" the Vewy Vewy Bestest Christmas Gift EVER from their childhood- little boy actually barks "Wait a minute, what are you doing?" as if threatening us for the fleeting thought that we might turn the channel or hit the mute and not listen to his Tale of Upper Class Excess from the late 70s, when he got Space Invaders on Atari and stayed up all night to get to 140,000- a memory unmatched in the annals of Christmases (never mind that Little Lord Fauntroy probably went on to get a dirtbike at 12, a car at 16, an all-expenses-paid trip to Europe courtesy of Mommy and Daddy at 18, etc.) until Spoiled Little Brat grows up to be Spoiled Big Brat and gets a Lexus. The very worst episode involved a little girl who actually gets a PONY for Christmas- to make it more horrible, little girl is in Adowable Pigtails, to make it EVEN MORE HORRIBLE, the pony's name is DOLLY:

"Remember DOLLY? She was the BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT EVER! Remember how you screamed so loud that the neighbors came over?" (and in the commercial, the neighbors in fact do come over, and walk right into this creep's palatial suburban estate, still wearing their bathrobes!) And here's the most stomache-churningly grotesque part: What this girl remembers MOST (with a disdainful toss of the head) is that "Ann-Marie was soooooo jealous" (neighbor girl, her own Christmas shattered along with her family harmony by the discovery of the pony, just stands there with her mouth open, dropping her inferior TOY pony to the floor.)
So what this nasty little cretin REALLY remembers is how jealous the neighbor was of her pony.

The story concludes, again, with the Adult Version of this vermin getting a Lexus, which FINALLY tops that damn pony. Just like the guy's Lexus finally beat out the Atari Game System, and in another commercial, the Lexus finally takes the place of a Big Wheel in Big Entitled Moron's fondest Christmas memories.

Personally? You put a brand new Lexus in your driveway with a bow on it before Christmas time, I hope you find yourself the neighborhood lepers. Because you deserve it. That and a rock through the windshield. And a painful death. Preferably from rabies.

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