Sunday, January 11, 2009

You Didn't Remind me to Breathe, So I Died

Quick Round Up of these insipid "I had no bars, so I missed that call" cell phone commercials:

1. Guy is being loaded into a police cruiser-- "We're house-sitting for my friend, but I don't have any bars up here, so we didn't get that call about the security code." Three things: I really don't think that the reaction of police when someone attempts to use A KEY to enter a house but doesn't know how to turn off the house alarm is to haul that someone off to jail. Second, its' more than a little inconceivable that in all the planning that went into arranging this guy's house-sitting stint, something as obvious as the Security Alarm was never brought up. Third: If the Security Alarm really wasn't ever mentioned, then this guy's anger is more than justified. He offered to house-sit, and his "friend" never told him about the security alarm? What a great friend. Sounds like someone's just given himself a nice big helping of revenge for some past slight.

2. Snowman is melting, ticked off that his friend didn't warn him about the heat wave approaching. Seriously- in no time at all, the geniuses in marketing are reduced to showing us snowmen with cellphones. Hey Mr. Snowman, here's a clue- heat wave or not, your life span is going to be very, very short. It will involve dogs using you to mark their territory, so maybe that's not a bad thing. And best of all, you'll be gone before the first monthly bill arrives, so at least you went out screwing over the cell phone company!

(BTW, what would this snowman have done with the information that a heat wave was arriving? Kidnap a little girl and take a refrigerated boxcar to the North Pole? Haven't we seen this already?)

3. Moron is standing near the smoking crater that I guess used to be someone's lawn, complaining that he didn't get the call warning him to defrost the turkey before deep-frying it. I wonder if in the past this guy hasn't found fault with his friend for warning him to pull down his pants before attempting to use the urinal. I mean, really, how helpless ARE these idiots?

4. Woman whines (I'm not being sexist- she is whining, speaking in an exaggerated, stressed-out voice) that the loveable Dinosaur character hired to entertain the little munchkins at a birthday party won't be showing up- instead "they're sending a T-Rex." Again, she didn't get the call because she has no bars where the party is taking place. So a party featuring a dozen or so very little kids is taking place in a building which is totally cut off from the outside world. Call 911 in case of fire? Sorry, no bars. Kid suffers an allergic reaction to something he ate at the party? Again, tough for the kid. Great planning, lady.

There's another one, involving a news reporter about to get blown to smithereens because he's standing in the new blast zone, but you get the idea-- if you don't have good cell phone service, you will miss the Vitally Important Information you should have had already or that you don't really need because you aren't retarded. Keep up the great work, cell phone manufacturers. We feel more dependent and infantile every day.

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