Saturday, January 10, 2009

Ram This- Howie Long Questions Your Manhood

Fat doofus struggles to find the little folding step that pops out from the back of his pickup, as a disapproving Howie Long looks on. Howie asks this guy "hey, that's a nice 'Man Step' you have there, but wouldn't you rather have a Dodge Ram?"

"Man Step?" Looks like it's a convenient folding step that would make it easier for any man to cart bags of cement, dirtbikes, tools, shovels, fishing poles or any of the other things men devote their weekends to carting around. At least, that's the impression I get from commercials.

In another episode of Howie Long Basically Calls Men Who Don't Own Dodge Rams Homosexuals, Long walks up to a guy sitting in his truck and asks "is that a heated steering wheel?" The guy (another fat doofus, probably wets his pants when his wife asks him if he's cleaned out the garage yet, you know the type) at first says "No!" and then, under the glare of Real Man Howie Long, admits "well, yes." Long then says "which would you really have, a heated steering wheel or a Dodge Ram?"

This is a new, interesting strategy by the good people at Chevrolet-- purposefully point out the luxuries your truck LACKS, and suggest that the LACK of those luxuries is a GOOD thing, because if your truck DOES have those luxuries, then you are a GIRLY, EFFEMINATE PANSY who has NO BUSINESS calling yourself a MAN. I mean, the guy in the second instance should just respond "I guess a Dodge Ram does look pretty cool- but other than the fact that it DOESN'T have a heated steering wheel, how is it 'better' than my truck?"

What's next? "Is that a DVD PLAYER I see in your truck?" "Um, yes." "Well, I guess that's important to you, huh? A DVD player- what are you, a girl? Wouldn't you rather have a Dodge Ram? It doesn't have a DVD player, which means it's better than that 'truck' you are driving?"

There are more of these commercials, in which everyone's favorite washed-up overrated NFL "star" and would-be Action Movie Sensation (remember Firestorm? How about Broken Arrow? Me neither) rolls from parking lot to parking lot sneering at the inferior trucks he sees inferior men driving around in. One is enough to convince you that Long appears determined to dedicate his life to picking up a paycheck from any source he can, even when that requires him to play a character who is clearly deeply insecure in his own choice of trucks and his own "power under the hood."


  1. this post is in the spirit of an article I wanted to write called "Howie Long is a Dick" but will not be because I couldn't find the commercials online - well done

  2. I think Howie is a dick and you may think I'm a dick for writing this, but you need to get you facts straight. Howie is whoring for Chevy, which means he is whoring a Silverado, not a Dodge Ram....

  3. Jesus, whatever, Nunyabiz. As if that has any relevance at all to the post. Thanks for playing anyway.

    Better check my other posts. I might have got Verizon mixed up with another cell phone company, and that would REALLY void the point of the cell phone comments. But I wouldn't want to take you away from your hobby splitting hairs.