Thursday, May 7, 2009

The Lowest Common Denominator: E Trade's Smartass Baby

For some reason, ETrade thought it would be a good idea to present a YouTube-quality commercial featuring a wildly gesturing baby staring into the camera as a bad voice-over feeds us nasty snark about the baby's "golf partner" being unable to follow the rules of investing, or golf, or both, or something.

Look, when you use a baby to sell a product- ANY product, you've totally run out of ideas. You are willing to let some dipshit parents exploit their kids in commercials for products real babies couldn't give a damn about or even begin to understand. But because we are a nation of mouth-breathing knuckle-draggers who think exploding cars and fart jokes are FRICKING AWESOME, E-Trade can shovel out this slop and we'll eat it up and ask for more.

Of course, the "baby" is a total ass, trashing his (father's?) portfolio management skills and golf game, suggesting that if he doesn't get his act together the baby will have to "bail him out" in the future. When the pathetic adult apologizes to this rude creep, the baby responds "read the rule book, Shankasaurus."

Oh, WTF-ever, E-Trade. Some of us who have achieved Upright Status have noticed that babies aren't automatically funny just because they are in commercials using dubbed voices. And some of us who have learned to chew gum and walk at the same time long ago got tired of the "smartass kid disses dad" motif. I hope dad leaves the little brat in the locker room- find your way out of that highchair all by yourself, you know it all little prick.

Actually, "Lowest Common Denominator" is not completely accurate- there's a way E-Trade can sink lower. It can use a chimp. And I suspect those commercials are not that far off.

1 comment:

  1. Again, your description made me laugh. I think you're right about someone running out of ideas for E-Trade. I don't think advertisers should never us a baby, however. If they're marketing baby food, diapers, baby clothes, a need for baby-sitters or a baby toy, they can use a baby. lol. You said when a baby is used to advertise ANY product by using a baby the advertisers ran out of ideas. I'm taking your statement literally, I know. lol, You must be having a field day about the All State commercial with the talking mime and the 10 month old baby with the really weird deep voice. Luckily, commercials are the best time to run to the bathroom, throw something to eat in the microwave, practice recalls with a puppy, or even see what else is on. :-)