Tuesday, May 12, 2009

What's in your wallet? Nothing the rest of us want to see.

I have a credit card. It's a Capital One card, in fact. So yes, I am actually going to snark on a company that gets my business. I feel justified, because I don't use the feature being pimped in Capital One's "build your own card" commercials-- the "put the picture of your choice on your credit card" feature.

Seriously, why would anyone want to do this? I can see having a credit card featuring your favorite sports team. But a picture of yourself, or someone else, on your credit card? Don't you people realize that you are going to have to show this card to waitresses, drooling Best Buy employees, etc.? And you want to personalize it?

Here's a commercial for Capital One I find particularly grating: A mommy is looking over pictures of her toddler son, trying to decide which one she wants to use as the personalized image on her new credit card. One by one, she eliminates different images, finally deciding on-- "Spaghetti Jimmy"- an image of her idiot moron kid sitting in a highchair with a bowl of spaghetti on his head. And smiling.

Um, Ok. Mommy finds this image funny and endearing- why, exactly? Is she actually going to wave this credit card in the faces of all the merchants in this town- "check out my son, Jimmy- he's a freaking slob who drives his mother to drink by dumping spaghetti on his head!" Hey, was the spaghetti HOT when Mentally Deficient Jimmy decided to use it as a baseball cap? 'Cause that would have been even funnier!

Actually, my first thought upon being shown this card would be "so, you dumped a bowl of spaghetti on your kid's head thinking it would make a cute picture, huh?" My second thought would be "how long did it take you to get out the camera to take this picture? Did the sauce burn the kid too badly while it stayed on the kid's head? Did you have to yell at the kid not to take it off?" My third thought would be "your kid looks awfully happy to have a bowl of spaghetti on his head. Is he getting therepy? Are you?"

Seriously, why didn't Witless Mommy in Capital One commercial go for "Torturing Cat Jimmy" or "Sticking Fork in Wall Socket Jimmy" or "Eating Lead Paint Jimmy?" I mean, as long as showing your kid acting like a retard passes as public entertainment, why stop with the cliche'd Spaghetti-on-the-head bit?

Better yet, why not spare your kid the public humiliation and leave his image off your credit card, you dim bulb moron? Here's a tip: People really aren't all that interested in seeing pictures of your kids. Don't subject the poor sap down at Giant Food to uploaded images of your idiot spawn, please. Believe it or not, he's no more impressed by your kid's ability to make an ass of himself than I am.


  1. Much like families who send out holiday greeting cards with pictures of themselves at the beach or in Colorado or something. Nobody wants a picture of your family having fun. We have met you once, like at some distant relative's funeral or something, and now every Thanksgiving we get a card from you guys about how much fun you had in Canada.

  2. Nobody wants an eight-page form letter describing the past year in the Amazing Life of Your Family, either, including grampa's urinary tract infection and Timmy's third place showing in the soap box derby. Yet some of us who have had the misfortune of becoming acquainted with self-absorbed knotheads still expect these epistles to arrive in the mail, like clockwork, every December.

  3. Is capital one the same company that has that notoriously stupid commercial with the turtle who gets scared by his wife when she attempts to deliver him guacamole?

  4. Yes it is, Veebee. And the same company that shows us a group of starving castaways, one of whom manages to rig together a system of monitors and pieces of satellite to achieve online status-- and proceeds to use the precious internet connection to "build his own card."

    The image the starving castaway uploads? A picture of himself, trying to eat a massive burger. Much "hilarity" ensues. Gag.

  5. My beef with this commercial is the voice of the kid: when we get to the CapitalOne tagline, he sounds, oh, how do write this diplomatically, *retarded* as opposed to when he's telling his mother "No!" to what she wants, and then deadpans "Only two Jimmys left!" Then he sounds like a dope.