Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Your Car is Gay, and so are You

Here's that black Volkswagon beetle again, speaking in a faux-German accent worthy of Bernie Koppel in Get Smart, pitching the benefits of the Jetta to us unlucky viewers. This time, it's sitting in the driveway of a typical suburban home, casually discussing how great the Jetta is with some fat slob who is innocently washing his Prius, not aware that he's about to get a smackdown from a car with no heater, no seatbelts and a lawnmower engine.

The Volkswagen tells Unfortunate Fat Suburban Slob that the Jetta is just the most awesomely popular car in the United States. Fat Slob, who for some reason feels he needs to explain himself to a car that hasn't been built in the US for more than thirty years, replies "well, this is a Hybrid."

"Ahhh..." responds the black Volkswagen. "But the Jetta is rated at 58 miles per gallon."

Idiot fat dope coughs up water he's been drinking out of the hose. "Fifty-eight?"

The smartass Volkswagon continues "and when you step on the gas, you hear RRRRRRRR..."

Fat moron chimes in "RRRRRRRRRR!!!"

Volkswagon, having set up Fat Suburban Moron, adds "what sound does YOUR car make?"

Guy freezes. Oh man, he's been owned! Because his car is QUIET and it doesn't make man-noises when you push the gas pedal down! It doesn't tell the neighbors that you are home! It doesn't give you that sexual thrill that "RRRRRRR" does! It's as Unmanly as having a "Man-Step" or a Heated Steering Wheel!

And he doesn't just freeze- he lets out this sick wheezing sound like he realizes for the first time how he looks washing his Japanese Hybrid "Car," which not only doesn't use much gas, but it doesn't make noise either!! It's BARELY even an AUTOMOBILE!! Quick, get that Liberalmobile to your local Volkswagon dealer and beg him to take it off your hands in exchange for a Jetta!

Then, apologize to your neighbors for having once owned a quiet, environmentally-friendly automobile. And be sure to rev your engine while doing it.


  1. Ezra F is the stupidest person I have ever met in my life. He's going to drive a Mac truck as soon as he can get his hands on one. He'll fill it up with premium and drive in circles around his minority-filled cul-de-sac, revving his engine and honking his horn.

  2. How secure in your manhood can you be if you let yourself be belittled by the likes of Howie Long or an inanimate object like a Volkswagon Beetle?

    As I've gotten older I've discovered that things I used to regard as needless luxuries, like car seat warmers, are actually quite useful. Yeah, you can laugh at me all day long if you want, but when it's 40 below and I have to get in my car and drive to work, I won't be courting frostbite.

  3. Like the Howie Long truck commercial, this Volkswagon bit tries to make a positive out of a negative- "Haha, your car doesn't make any noise! Jettas make NOISE when you step on the gas pedal! Noise is better!"

    Sooner or later, some car company will extol the benefits of it's crappy, thin mufflers, which emit roaring engine noise that alert the world that you have "arrived."

  4. I drive mack trucks and by the way, that little hybrid that you're gonna save the world with, was delivered on a mack truck.

  5. And in what part of my post did I criticize the trucking industry?

  6. Excellent read. I like your style...have a good one!/Nice blog! Keep it up!

    Truck Mufflers