Saturday, May 23, 2009

OnStar: First the Soft Sell, then the Hard Sell

OnStar Commercial #1: (on television) Picnicking family makes a mad dash to the SUV as the rain comes pelting down. Wet, smiling mother presses the OnStar button and says "we're going to need directions to the nearest movie theatre."

OnStar Commercial #2: (on the radio) Onstar operator intones "our alert system has gone off, indicating that you have been in a crash. Stay still, we are sending an ambulance." Heavy breathing can be heard in the background.

OnStar Commercial # 3: (on television) Jeff Gordon of NASCAR fame casually taps his OnStar button and declares "I'll be needing turn by turn directions to the nearest car wash." Operator is more than happy to assist Mr. Gordon with this trivial matter (because really, what are the odds that someone recently impaled by his own steering wheel is trying to get an operator on the line?

OnStar Commercial #4: (on radio) we hear crying, and a frantic-sounding woman pleading for help because "I think my husband has had a heart attack, we hit a tree and there's (sob) blood (sob) everywhere...."

Cripes. So happy images showing OnStar's convenience when it's a TV commercial, with the frightening sounds of impending death and the unmistakeable message that you will probably die without OnStar reserved for radio. I think I've got it.

Except, I'd like to know exactly how many OnStar operators are working at any one time-- if some idiot is calling to ask where the nearest movie theatre is, isn't he taking up the time of an operator who could be helping someone who just drove into a flooded ravine? If Mr. Gordon is getting directions to the fricking CAR WASH, is someone trying to free what's left of his right arm from what used to be his steering wheel on hold? I mean, I simply can't buy the idea that a real human being is just waiting to spring to action the moment that button is pushed, every second of every day.

I'd also like to admit right here that the job of Operator at OnStar is simply not for me- I wouldn't have the patience to deal with self-absorbed choads who really think it's ok to use OnStar's service to find car washes and movie theatres. I'd probably end up asking if they need their diapers changed while I'm at it.

Oh, and just heard today, OnStar Commercial # 5: No horrible accident, no dipshit casually calling for directions to the nearest potty, just an announcer admonishing us for thinking that our cell phones are an adequate substititute for the OnStar service: "How do you know your cell phone will even work after an accident?: (Well, it's not actually attached to my car, like OnStar would be, so it seems like a pretty good bet...) "What if your phone is thrown clear? What if you can't reach it?" Message: You are as good as DEAD if you are in an accident and don't have OnStar. Your pathetic cell phone (which, judging from what I see from drivers on a regular basis, was probably in use at the time of the accident) won't save you. Only that life-saving Blue Button above the console stands between you and eternal rest.

Besides, what if you need to find the nearest 7-11? You got an APP for that?


  1. God you are depressing. Lighten up. OnStar is designed to provide directions and assistance for so called trivial things. That is why you pay for the service. Why is someone self absorbed because they pay for a service to make their life convinient?

    They also have a dedicated group that mans the emergency lines. No one is dying while the operator is finding a 7-11. Have you even used OnStar?

  2. There's something here I don't get- if you find this blog depressing, why do you read it?

    Also- my comments were not directed at OnStar, but at their commercials. Seriously though, if you don't like my comments, please feel free to avoid my site in the future. I don't feel compelled to keep explaining myself to you.

    What a strange person you are- you don't like this site, you don't like my comments- but you keep coming back for more. Is someone holding a gun to your head, making you read this? Do you realize that there are approximately 200 million other blogsites out there, just waiting for your critiques? I feel like I've monopolized enough of your time and energy. Please, go out and spread your wisdom elsewhere.

  3. I hear those commercials on my way to work in the morning while listening to ESPN radio. I thought I was the only person who found them creepy.

  4. OMG!!! I love that there is site devoted to crappy On-Star commercials. I can't just let there newest one go. A male calls saying that his vehicle has been stolen, but wait, here's the good part ... apparently his wife's vehicle was parked behind his, so the auto theft rat actually moves his wifes car out of the way to take his?!?!? Ya, I don't think so, I work law enforcement in the auto theft capital of the world and that has NEVER happened!!! Dude, nobody wants your Buick Lucerne that bad! Not sure how or where On-Star got their consultation for that commerical, but it is way off.