Sunday, March 14, 2010

"Don't talk to me"

Scruffy asshole steps into the living room fully clothed, but with a just-woke-up look on his face which he manages to maintain for pretty much the entire commercial.

Guy sitting on the sofa of what I guess I'm expected to take as a group house tries to be polite, lifting his eyes from the inevitable laptop (I guess I should be thankful it's not a Blackberry) to give some form of social greeting to the scruffy asshole, only to be dismissed with a wave of the hand and a "not until I've had my coffee."

Scruffy, sleepy idiot-apparently unaware that there are these really cool, inexpensive gadgets which allow you to make COFFEE IN YOUR OWN HOME- hits the streets to Spread the Rude. Just outside his door, a neighbor tries to greet him, only to get another dismissive "don't talk to me until I've had my coffee."

Sleepy moron ramps it up a bit by responding to a cute girl on the bus (at least he's not trying to operate heavy machinery) who chirps "good morning" with a nasty little sneer. I don't care how badly I need coffee- I'm not brushing off cute girls who say "good morning" on the bus.

Finally this antisocial jackass walks into McDonalds, and actually interrupts the way-too-thrilled-with-her-minimum-wage-job cashier's attempt to "interest him" in a "premium roast coffee for just a dollar." Catching the word "coffee," Worthless Sleepy Prick responds "talk to me!" Haha, nothing but geniuses working in the advertising department at McDonalds.

The conclusion of this ad shows Now Ready to be Part of Society But Still Scruffy and Repulsive Dickwad walking down the street, desperately attempting to repair the damage he's done by bleating inane compliments about the weather, this woman's scarf, etc. etc. as it is now THEIR turn to brush him off. So it's a happy ending.

"Don't talk to me until I've had my coffee." Hey, no problem there, buddy. I imagine that most of us will be perfectly happy to avoid talking to you after you've had your daily caffeine fix, too. I can't imagine that being spared a conversation with you constitutes much of a loss.

I wouldn't mind starting my day by chatting with the cute girl on the bus, though.


  1. Have you considered embedding, say, a YouTube video of each commercial at the top of your posts? It might increase the effectiveness of your lampoonage.

  2. I know, I'm just computer-stupid and have to figure out how to do it. I will, when I find some time.

  3. Done! Please check out my new and improved blog! :>)

    Problem now is-- I have to be careful with my comments to make sure they are accurate....

  4. I like this modification.
    Very suave.
    As a pollen-sufferer, I will simply mention the I-can-spend-time-with-my-family-outdoors-now-that-I-take-[medicine name here] themed commercials that float around by this time of year. They're making me pretty grumpy.

  5. As someone who took about $30 worth of Claritin one year because my insurance company wouldn't pay for a prescription allergy drug, I can relate.

    I take brand-X Zyrtec now, works pretty well.