Saturday, March 27, 2010

Thank God every day you aren't one of this woman's Contacts

A woman we hear but never see is telling us all about her I Phone, and how it's allowed her to do amazing things and share amazing moments with her amazing friends and her amazing family. For this commercial, the amazing thing involves her baby boy, but it doesn't take much reaching to imagine that this woman lives for excuses to run her finger around her stupid, expensive little toy.

"The other day, my son took his first step, which was pretty amazing (really?) So, I recorded it" (we see her finger slide along the screen of the I Phone, clicking "camera" and capturing the First Step moment.) "Then, I shared it with everyone on my contact list." (Seriously. She selects Everybody and then 'send.' So everyone this woman has ever conned into giving her their cell phone number has just received a video of a baby falling on it's butt.)

"Then, I got everyone on the phone to chat about it.. Which was pretty amazing too!" (Christ, what ISN'T amazing to this idiot?) " I'm not kidding. Now it's time for a conference call, in which we all share our thoughts about the video we were sent. We hear grandma (?) exclaim "hey, that's great!" Someone else is clever enough to volunteer "Oops!" At least we know this woman didn't interrupt a Mensa meeting to discuss her kid's amazing ability to fall on his ass. We don't hear anyone else's reaction- probably because, well, really, what else is there to say? "Um...nice?" "Congrats?" "Ok....kind of busy now?"

"I would never have done this without my I Phone!" wraps up the commercial. Yeah, ok- you would never have done this without your I Phone. Maybe you would have just taken a snapshot and put it into a scrapbook, to show relatives later. Maybe you would have had a very personal, exciting moment with your son, and just told people about it (you know, I'm pretty sure that they would have believed you when you told them your son had taken his first step, even without visual evidence.) Without your I Phone, the world would have missed your kid taking his first step- but would have continued spinning anyway.

Can you imagine the nightmare of knowing this woman? Picture your phone beeping every few hours-- "check out this video of my son burping up!" "Look, baby's first time on the potty!" By the time you get a video download entitled "His First Cheerio!" you've probably become very good at hitting the Delete button without cursing under your breath. But what do you do when she wants you to engage in a Conference Call every time Baby learns a new word or gets a new sailor outfit? After all, thanks to the "convenience" of cell phones, you are never legitimately out of touch, right?

But if you ARE on this woman's contact list, you still have something to be thankful for: at least you aren't the offspring of the I'd Never Go Anywhere Without My I Phone woman. At least you won't spend the first few years of your life wondering what that weird growth on mommy's hand is, or why she's constantly turning away from you to talk to the weird growth as she holds it against her ear.

Hey Lady, here's a clue: The daily progress of your Little Miracle is not something that thirty people you happen to have an acquaintance with really need to be kept appraised of. Sure, take videos to share with Dad, Grandma, and Grampa. Your coworkers don't need to see your baby's first step, and they are too nice to say so, but they don't want to. And they don't want to be interrupted to engage in a mass discussion concerning it, as if your kid's first step is some earth-shaking event. It's not. Get Over Yourself.

And here's another one, no extra charge: Once you've made your little video, put your fucking phone down and spend some time with your baby. Your I Phone isn't the family member that needs quality time, you idiot.

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