Friday, October 1, 2010
Miller Lite's Stunning Condescending, Completely Baffling "For the Vets" Ad
I could post a month's worth of snark featuring nothing but this fat busybody and his determination to refuse Miller Lite to anyone who isn't an unpretentious, middle-class Fox News viewer. It would be easy for me to post one blog entry after another focusing on this dipshit and his quixotic mission to seize back beer purchased honestly by people whose money isn't good enough for Miller Lite; or perhaps this lunatic has just snapped after decades of hauling suds and now thinks his job is to engage in a furious Beer Recall, even to the point of grabbing bottles right out the hands of the consumers.
And I'm not promising I won't be using one of those commercials, someday. But for now, I'll focus on one that strays outside the usual "you are not worthy of this beer" bullshit, because darn it, this particular commercial is so damned perplexing that I can't explain it's purpose or meaning for the life of me.
For some reason, our favorite fat beer-seizing choad is rushing through an airport with an assistant/toady, pushing an empty cart. Hey, I didn't write this thing. And it only gets dumber from here.
Noticing men in camouflage fatigues, fat choad exclaims "THESE vets must be here for the parade!" Of course. This is exactly what goes through MY mind whenever I see military personnel in airports- because really, why else would they be in an airport, unless they had flown in for a parade in their honor? It's not like they have to fly anywhere, ever, right? I mean, I've got a friend who has served in the military for thirty years, and I'm POSITIVE that he has NEVER taken a plane for any other reason than to get to a parade. Jesus.
Fat choad's intern/toady makes some boot-licking comment about designer luggage, and you just know that if anyone with designer luggage was caught drinking a Miller Lite, that beer would be quickly confiscated. I mean, that's like drinking Miller Lite at a dog show, or in the owner's box at a baseball game. A real, obvious, No-No.
Fat choad walks up to a vet whose fatigues match his baggage and asks "excuse me, sir, whose name is on your bag?" And here is where we have one of the truly epic fails in the history of commercials. I have no idea how the vet responds to this stupid question- he says "Mine- Cone Bryant." Or maybe it's "Cornin Bryant." Or "Conan Bryant." I don't know, because the guy I suspect is an Actual Vet couldn't be bothered to enunciate his name in a tone which could be picked up an understood by human ears.
It's not just me- even the Best Commercial Ever crowd over at YouTube, which adores each and every ad ever televised, is mystified by the guy's muttered response.
"Now that's deserving a piece of the high life" says our favorite fat doofus, offering his hand to the vet as we the helpless viewers can only shake our heads at the stupidity of it all. WHAT is deserving "a piece of the high life?" That the guy's name is the same as the one on his luggage? That his luggage matches his uniform? That he's "here for the parade?"
I mean, what the hell is going on here? Was I supposed to do some reading before watching this commercial?
We conclude with some notice that Miller Lite is contributing something to veterans, sort of - not ten cents for every bottle purchased, but ten cents for every bottle cap returned. I'm going to say right now- really cheap of you, Miller. Why not just be honest and announce "we want to be associated with the idea of helping the troops, but not to the extent it's going to cost us money." Because that's what I heard.
At any rate, the "Support the Vets Because God Knows Miller Isn't Going To" message is totally lost in the confused haze that is this ad. Is it really the purpose of any commercial to leave the viewers wondering "what the hell WAS that?" If so, well played, Miller Brewing Company.
Now please, retire that fat lunatic before he finally confronts someone unwilling to be separated from his legally-purchased lite beer of choice.