Saturday, August 6, 2011
I don't want you to hate me- so don't watch the trailer. Just read the post.
If I go to see this pile of manipulative, hackneyed tripe posing as a summer date movie, I want to know at what point the line "when did you and I stop being us?" is uttered, so I have an idea of exactly how much time I have to pry my seat from the floor so I'm ready to hurl it at the screen.
If I go to see this musty, stale 90 minutes or so of painfully familiar drivel, I want someone to explain to me why Steve Carell is already doing a sequel to "The Forty Year Old Virgin." I also want to know when Steve Carell's fifteen minutes will be over. Because according to my watch, it was supposed to be sometime last week.
If I go to see this steaming, cavity-inducing sugar-laden Been There Seen That Where Do I Go To Get a Refund For The Two Hours I Spent Being Laughed at By Hollywood bowl of treacle, will someone PLEASE mistake me for John Dillinger and shoot me in the back of the head? It doesn't matter if you do it as I'm entering the theater or exiting. If you do it as I'm entering, you've "robbed" me of an hour and a half of my life that was hardly going to be worth living anyway. If you blow me away as I'm exiting, you take me down as I'm mulling when exactly my universe spun so hopelessly out of control that I would actually PAY to see something called "Crazy Stupid Love" and be reminded that screenwriters continue to believe that the country is filled with gorgeous women waiting to throw themselves at divorced, fortysomething men- as long as they know how to dress properly. Either way. It's all good.
I know it's too much to ask, but please- no more of these Fill in the Blank Dime a Dozen smarmy "romances" for a while, ok? They hurt my soul like you would not believe. On the other hand, I thought "Captain America" was fun, and am willing to forgive the groan-worthy last-minute obligatory appearance of Samuel L Jackson in the closing scene. It didn't hurt that Steve Carell was nowhere to be seen, and that we never once heard the phrase "when did you and I stop being us?"
I mean, come on. Gag.