Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Don't worry, Mom. I'm sure you'll find other ways to damage this child.

This pathetic excuse for a mother is clearly mortified because her little daughter wants to wear hoodies and cargo shorts, gets dirty, and keeps building parking garages with blocks. I think it's pretty safe to imagine that Mommy's Little Clone is SUPPOSED to want to wear frilly dresses (pink, of course) while serving tea to her teddy bears and Mrs Beasley doll. Later, she'd be allowed to graduate to Barbies, but the pink dresses stay.

Because it's all about appearances, and apparently this wretched, sadly fertile lump of mucus thinks there is something truly scandalous that her female child isn't Happily Living the Stereotype. Oooooh, she gets DIRTY!! She wears non-pink clothes, including hoodies and shorts!! She builds something that doesn't look like a stove or a Dream Kitchen! The horror! Where will it all end?

Well, maybe it will end with the development of a fully-functioning, female adult. One that understands that in the 21st century, women can do ANY GOD DAMNNED THING THEY WANT- wear clothes which are not pink dresses, become engineers and architects, GET DIRTY, whatever. That is, they can if they aren't molded into square pegs by weird, smothering, hovering helicopter mommies who are so twisted that they actually fantasize that their children's favorite clothes will be ruined so they can be replaced by more "acceptable" items.

Just one question- where the hell did this little girl develop a taste for clothing which is so offensive to mommy in the first place? Think there is more than a little hostility between Mommy and Daddy out there? Think the in-laws are slightly more open-minded (though really, who wouldn't be) when they pick out clothes to give to their favorite granddaughter? I mean, clearly there is a back story here.

Meanwhile, the story that is right out there, in our face, is that this woman has got some serious issues, and needs help. I'd start by having that metal rod someone jammed up her ass surgically removed. Then I'd tell her to stop taking all her social cues from Phyllis Schlafly. Because wishing your kid would ruin her clothes so you could go back to dressing her up like your perfect little poppet? Yuck.


  1. OMG, my daughter is ::whispers:: a lesbian!

  2. Lovely old gal, ain't she? Not only does she have a world view that would make a bog-standard Stepford Wife look like Wendy O Williams, five bucks says that if she ever dared risk losing her femininity by going on line, she'd tell Ellie Patterson that she loves her column and can't understand why people pick on that nice young Anthony Caine.

    (Also, she must seem awfully similar to the self-satisfied young women you teach who are proud of their 'destiny' of being servitors to their loafer husbands.)

  3. Tide is using reverse psychology. The living room is almost a parody of neatness. Mother is seated directly in the center of both the sofa and symmetrically-arranged room. She's not to be taken for real.

    The hoodie, camouflage jacket, and getting dirty are all a part of the soap-maker's creed. The dirtier people get, the more soap is sold. Therefore, we are destined (and required) to hate the mother and buy the spot's true purpose: to show that Tide even cleans enough to satisfy the unrealistic worry-wort and fussbudget. Hate, resent (and feel superior to) her all you want: It's what Tide wants you to do. Now get out there and buy a $5 bottle of detergent for $11.59!

  4. It doesn't work if intentionally avoid Tide and buy one of the other 47 detergents on the market because I hate this commercial, though.

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  6. My oldest daughter (who is now twenty-two and the epitome of beautiful young woman) wore skirts and dresses all the time. Gym class? Shorts under the dress. And she climbed trees, played in the dirt, used dolls as parachute experiments... and she grew up just fine.

    When I can find a detergent that will get the special polymer-epoxy grade dust of Bristol Ren Faire out of my white chemise on the first cycle, then I'll be a devotee of that brand.

  7. Actually, upon further rumination, I'd have to say this ad is a throwback to the most primitive Vaudeville archetypal pigeonholing. It's a sketch about an upright woman fretting that her young daughter will turn out "gay" on account of her masculine tastes. Our Proctor and Gamble conservatives seem to have forgotten that this shame, as it were, doesn't resonate as it used to and is not quite so funny as it might have been in 1972. Just the same, the ad would never have been produced then, as even these particular topics of fear and insecurity (certainly homophobia) were considered dangerous -- now, apparently, considered fun.