MakeSpace Commercials should come with Parental Guidance Suggested warnings

Eventually, the woman in this ad got sick of watching the guy in this ad systematically destroy everything they worked so hard to achieve, with immaculate planning, one step at a time, and hired a professional moving and storing company for Reasons.

I mean, look at the two scenes we're given here.  In the first, she's carrying out her very carefully planned removal of the body of a noisy neighbor in the middle of the night, and all she needs is just a little help from her dim bulb male accomplice to get the corpse down the back staircase in a coffin purchased with cash from a thrift shop in another state, slip it into their Subaru Hatchback, and drive an hour to a state park closed due to COVID-19 so they can slide the box into the deserted lake (after weighing it down, of course.)

The guy completely messes up his ONE CONTRIBUTION to the master plan, NATURALLY.

In an attempt to make up for his ridiculous bungling, the guy offers to dig up all the corpses in the back yard, stuff them into the cardboard boxes they've been saving up from the four-times-daily-Amazon purchases which have been arriving since the Stay at Home order was initiated, and find a canyon nearby to dump and burn them.  What he didn't tell her was that he was going to try to transfer all 23 victims all at once, leading to an hysterical accident on the way to the canyon as the boxes overburdened with bodies and odor-killing baking soda fell off and spilled into the street.  This guy can't do ANYTHING right.

I guess these two messes were cleaned up, because we then move to an unrelated scene where they've gone to visit their empty box collection at the nearby U-Store It and the guy decides he wants to go swimming in the boxes for some reason.  I don't know, it's really weird.

In the end, the woman here realizes that if she keeps asking her husband to try to do stuff he'll probably end up dying too early- that is, before that massive insurance policy she talked him into buying matures- so she decides they should do all of their moving and storage by using this professional MakeSpace service.  It's a rather odd way to end what was to this point a really graphic, horrifying commercial, but ok.

Nobody asked for this, Progressive. Nobody.

Yes, this is very topical.  Everyone's doing this these days.  Nobody likes doing it, and everyone hopes that it's over sooner rather than later.

That being said, nobody misses any of these Progressive Insurance spokeschoads.  Especially Flo.  Nobody is going through Flo withdrawals; that is, no one is REALLY going through Flo withdrawals, though if you scroll down the comments you'll see that there are people out there willing to pretend to love these ads for nickels. 

BTW, Zoom meetings are generally carried out to make it easier for actual teams of workers to remain in communication during the Age of Social Isolation.  None of this is demonstrated during this Progressive Ad- it's just the usual cadre of idiots blathering nonsense about nothing.  Maybe Progressive wants to give us a Taste of Normalcy, since this is all we expect from Progressive commercials even when we aren't in the middle of a pandemic.

The Geico Gecko is wearing a mask during a commercial in 3.....2......1.......

I have three questions for Chuck Woolery as well (or More fun from the United States Money Reserve of non-Money)

1.  "What's the United States Money Reserve, and why did it intentionally choose a name designed to con the soft-headed into believing that it's an official branch of the US Government?" (Connected question:  Why is the fact that it's NOT connected to the US Government presented in a font impossible to read unless one has a tv screen the size of a football field?)

2.  "The current price of gold is just over $1750 per ounce.  Why would anyone pay $189 for one-tenth of an ounce of gold (plus shipping and handling) from the company you're pimping for?  Because it looks pretty?  Because it looks like a coin (but isn't?) 

3.  "What are you doing in this ad?  Joe Namath beat you out for the gig pimping non-Medicare old age 'insurance?'  Decide that you weren't doing anything with your soul so you might as well sell it to the highest bidder?  What?"

Totally Tonal-deaf

The Stock Market is still down almost 20% from its highs of  only two months ago, when thousands upon thousands of terrified people cashed out their 401(k)s to make sure they had SOME money to live on.  The Unemployment rate is almost 15%.  Millions of Americans are scared to death that even when the Lock Down and Stay at Home orders are lifted, the jobs they counted on to pay their mortgage and kids' college funds and health care and just to put food on the table simply won't be there anymore.

But hell, let's not worry about that- let's focus on this new piece of technology that deals with a REALLY urgent matter:  How are rich white people going to keep up their exercise routine?

This monstrosity STARTS at $2995.  And that's before the monthly workout subscriptions.  But let's face it, this isn't aimed at people who are at all concerned about anything like Money.  More like people who are bored with their daily Peloton sessions and are looking for a little variety before ending the day with a soak in the hot tub.  And bonus- this thing has a small footprint, so you can set it up right next to that Peloton bike, not that floor space is any more of an issue for the customers of this obscenity than its price is.

Because its the kind of exercise that fits MY budget, I'm heading out for another walk into a world I hate just a little bit more thanks to this commercial.

Grubhub's Lame Guilt Trip

"Restaurants.....are our family."

Whose family?  Grubhub's?  If that's what this commercial is saying, don't you actually mean "Reason we Exist" or "Way we make money?"  If by "our" you mean "America's," well....that's a problem, too.  When I visit a family member and have a meal, I'm not expected to pay for it.  When I make something for a family member, I don't hand them a bill or expect a tip.  Because, you know, Family.  How the hell is any business my "family?"

"...and our family needs help."  Again with the vague language.  I can totally understand if Grubhub sees Restaurants as their family they would say their family needs help- restaurants are in trouble, which means Grubhub is in trouble.  Grubhub can't deliver for family members- errr, restaurants- that are out of business.  And if restaurants are "the cornerstones of our communities" (at this point, I've given up trying to figure out who the "our" is) well, it's totally bad that they need help. 

"Right now they're facing a crisis, and they're counting on your takeout and delivery orders to help them through."  Ok now, we've cut to the chase.  Restaurants are suffering from dramatic losses in revenue due to the Stay at Home orders and the mandated closing of dining rooms.  To survive financially, they really, really need for us to keep "eating out" by ordering takeout and delivery food.  Oh by the way it sure would help if we used Grubhub too, btw- because Restaurants are Family, and Grubhub is the way we can kind of enjoy our Family without having to visit it, which actually does sound kind of attractive.

So the bottom line:  Grubhub wants to remind us that we have Family Responsibilities that don't end just because we can't go out to eat.  Sorry, but we don't get to use the Social Distancing excuse to avoid visiting our Families, because our Families still need our money, just like Always.  If anything, we should be spending more of our money on those Family members who make food in exchange for our money.  And it just makes it extra-special-family time if we employ Grubhub to transfer all that Togetherness that Looks a Lot like Food from them to us. 

Oh, by the way?  Doesn't really matter that most of us aren't making extra money just because we can't visit our Families.  Doesn't matter that many of us are actually hurting financially right now.  Pick up that phone, go online, do whatever you need to do to Stay in Touch with your Family and arrange to give them some money, because they are really Hurting right now.  Just do it.   You have to.  IT'S FAMILY!

Zales "Our Love is a Diamond" ad: Once again, it's all about the rock

"Our love is so unique, so special, so different. that we decided to celebrate it in the most corporate-approved manner possible.  We bought a diamond."

"Um, what?  Who is this 'We?'  I bought you a diamond, because you said that even though you loved me more than anyone you had ever loved ever, and wanted to spend the rest of your life with me, you weren't going anywhere near an actual legal commitment until you got a rock.  Which I paid for.  ME.  With MY money."

"Our love is a diamond!"

"What the hell does that even mean?  Our love is a cold, hard piece of suffocated coal?"

"Look how it sparkles!  It's a celebration of our love!"

"It's a celebration of pointless excess that sets our house-purchasing fund back about two months."

"Two months?  Only two months?  Why you dirty, cheap little...you went to ZALES, didn't you!!"

"I knew I should have switched boxes."

Hempvana, the latest "pain relief" BS not being sold by your local MLM hunbot

Aching joints? Painful muscles?  Well, if you've already tried all of the 46,782 "pain relief" creams, ointments and patches available at your local CVS, why not take advantage of This Amazing OfferTM and order some of this junk?

It's different because it has 100% more oil from the seeds of the Cannabis Sativa Plant (that's an actual quote from the commercial.)  100% more than what?  Um, well, I'm guessing 100% more from actual pain medications that don't include any oil from the Cannabis Sativa Plant.  Hey, that was simple.

Hempvana Gold combines an "FDA listed pain relief ingredient" (that's another actual quote, I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.)  What IS this ingredient?  Well, we aren't told, but the caption on the screen says "10% Trolamine Salicylate per FDA Monograph!"  Yes, the exclamation point is included, which makes me feel so foolish I'm just going to pretend to know what that means and that it's super-impressive obviously.  Mission accomplished, Hempvana.

It's got cold-pressed hemp oil from the seeds of that plant mentioned earlier, which I guess distinguishes it from other hemp oil that isn't cold pressed or doesn't come from the same seeds.  Anyway, it's so effective that all you have to do if you experience sharp pain while jogging is to stop, rub some on your knee, and you're on your way.  That's how impressive this stuff is.  Probably because it's cold pressed.  And it's got that stuff the FDA listed.  Both things are important, I'm guessing.

It works by "blocking nerve transmissions."  You know, like Tylenol, or Ben Gay.  But it isn't either of those things, because it has 100% more oil than either of those things.  It's different.

Here's a retired NFL player you've never heard of standing on what looks like a High School football field talking about how it really helps him do whatever he's doing nowadays.   As if I wasn't sold already.

"The secret is the combination of Science and Nature."  I know how to translate that line, but just in case I didn't, they do it for us, right away.  The "Science" part is in that little bit of FDA-listed pain relief medication that I'm guessing is found in all over-the-counter pain relieving creams.  The "Nature" part is the woo factor that appeals to our Holistic "look to the trees" side (you know, the really stupid, gullible side) and which also "justifies" the ridiculous price.  Put it another way- the Nature part makes the product unique.  The Science part makes the ad legal.   Also- in the next few seconds of the ad, it sounds for all the world like the only purpose of the seeds is to make the product "absorb quickly."  Which pretty much convinces me that the ONLY medication in this junk is the trace amount of "FDA-listed" pain reliever. 

(Oh, and here's a guy writing what looks like a chemical formula on an actual chalkboard.  He's wearing a white coat, and that's real chalk he's using.  Looks legit to me.)

Anyway, the ad goes on a little longer but basically just repeats itself, so I'll skip to the punchline:  there's another ad for this same product on Youtube in which the narrator knocks down the claims of similar products with the same ingredients as false.  The DIFFERENCE with Hempvana Gold is that it has DOUBLE the amount of oil as those other Much More Expensive Junk Products.  So basically, "that stuff doesn't work, and it costs a fortune.  Our product is exactly the same, but we use more Woo, and it's cheaper, so...um....it DOES work." 

Well, sorry, Hempvana, but if it's not being sold by an old High School Friend who found my name on Facebook and who also thinks I'd totally kill it selling this stuff myself, I'm not interested.  And I'm speaking as someone who actually does suffer from chronic knee pain being treated with actual medicine- your target audience.  Get back to me when you're ready to include me in your downline.