Saturday, May 2, 2020
Hempvana, the latest "pain relief" BS not being sold by your local MLM hunbot
Aching joints? Painful muscles? Well, if you've already tried all of the 46,782 "pain relief" creams, ointments and patches available at your local CVS, why not take advantage of This Amazing OfferTM and order some of this junk?
It's different because it has 100% more oil from the seeds of the Cannabis Sativa Plant (that's an actual quote from the commercial.) 100% more than what? Um, well, I'm guessing 100% more from actual pain medications that don't include any oil from the Cannabis Sativa Plant. Hey, that was simple.
Hempvana Gold combines an "FDA listed pain relief ingredient" (that's another actual quote, I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.) What IS this ingredient? Well, we aren't told, but the caption on the screen says "10% Trolamine Salicylate per FDA Monograph!" Yes, the exclamation point is included, which makes me feel so foolish I'm just going to pretend to know what that means and that it's super-impressive obviously. Mission accomplished, Hempvana.
It's got cold-pressed hemp oil from the seeds of that plant mentioned earlier, which I guess distinguishes it from other hemp oil that isn't cold pressed or doesn't come from the same seeds. Anyway, it's so effective that all you have to do if you experience sharp pain while jogging is to stop, rub some on your knee, and you're on your way. That's how impressive this stuff is. Probably because it's cold pressed. And it's got that stuff the FDA listed. Both things are important, I'm guessing.
It works by "blocking nerve transmissions." You know, like Tylenol, or Ben Gay. But it isn't either of those things, because it has 100% more oil than either of those things. It's different.
Here's a retired NFL player you've never heard of standing on what looks like a High School football field talking about how it really helps him do whatever he's doing nowadays. As if I wasn't sold already.
"The secret is the combination of Science and Nature." I know how to translate that line, but just in case I didn't, they do it for us, right away. The "Science" part is in that little bit of FDA-listed pain relief medication that I'm guessing is found in all over-the-counter pain relieving creams. The "Nature" part is the woo factor that appeals to our Holistic "look to the trees" side (you know, the really stupid, gullible side) and which also "justifies" the ridiculous price. Put it another way- the Nature part makes the product unique. The Science part makes the ad legal. Also- in the next few seconds of the ad, it sounds for all the world like the only purpose of the seeds is to make the product "absorb quickly." Which pretty much convinces me that the ONLY medication in this junk is the trace amount of "FDA-listed" pain reliever.
(Oh, and here's a guy writing what looks like a chemical formula on an actual chalkboard. He's wearing a white coat, and that's real chalk he's using. Looks legit to me.)
Anyway, the ad goes on a little longer but basically just repeats itself, so I'll skip to the punchline: there's another ad for this same product on Youtube in which the narrator knocks down the claims of similar products with the same ingredients as false. The DIFFERENCE with Hempvana Gold is that it has DOUBLE the amount of oil as those other Much More Expensive Junk Products. So basically, "that stuff doesn't work, and it costs a fortune. Our product is exactly the same, but we use more Woo, and it's cheaper, so...um....it DOES work."
Well, sorry, Hempvana, but if it's not being sold by an old High School Friend who found my name on Facebook and who also thinks I'd totally kill it selling this stuff myself, I'm not interested. And I'm speaking as someone who actually does suffer from chronic knee pain being treated with actual medicine- your target audience. Get back to me when you're ready to include me in your downline.