Saturday, May 23, 2020
Flex Paste: a very, very dangerous product to be selling during a pandemic!
I'm going to come out and admit it right now- if I knew I was going to be stuck at home for the next few months (that is, I knew I wasn't going to be going to Vermont next month for the summer but instead would be in my apartment in Maryland,) I am pretty sure that this product would cause a major alteration to my life.
I'm pretty sure that as soon as I ordered four or five pails of Flex Paste, I'd head off to the Dollar Store and buy several putty knives, a few bags of plastic greenery, and a few boxes of cheap Chinese toys. Then I'd walk around the neighborhood looking for a card table someone has put out on the street FOR FREE and carry that home, too. And I'd pile all these goodies into my little spare room, and wait.
When my pails of Flex Paste showed up, oh man would I go to town building my very own Devil's Tower on top of that card table in my little spare room. I'd spend hours getting the contours just right before decorating it with my fake moss and little green army men or dinosaurs or whatever cheap Chinese toys I grabbed at the Dollar Store. I'm sure I'd have to order more Flex Paste because it would never be Quite Right.
Meanwhile, I wouldn't notice that I'd grown a beard, was getting super-pale, had 300 unanswered messages in my voice mailbox and hadn't hosted a Zoom Class for weeks and didn't notice the semester had ended. And that I was wearing the same clothes I had on when the pails of Flex Paste appeared at my doorstop.
And who could blame me? I don't know if this stuff really seals holes in the wall or fixes roofs or you could build an entire waterproof boat with it, and I don't really care, because why would anyone use this for those purposes when you've got nothing but time on your hands, you have to stay indoors anyway, and there are iconic mountains to recreate in your little spare room?
Alas, I will be gone in a few weeks so I can't really do this stuff justice until this fall, when we get the second deadly wave of COVID-19 because millions of people decided that they were done wearing masks and not going out and that if they just refused to let a deadly virus push them around, they could will it to just Go Away. So I'm guessing I'll be holding off my order until late October or so, and this will be my winter passion project/obsession. I just have to remember to make my Flex Paste mountain large enough to be a base for my vintage King Arthur's Castle from West Germany. And to order more toilet paper between outbreaks.