Another relatable "Wealth Management" commercial from J.P. Morgan

 

If you are kept awake by worries over paying your rent, settling student loan debts, keeping the lights on or just getting enough food to keep your blood sugar up so that you can get to your dead-end job for another day, well, look at the silver lining:  you could be one of the people in this ad, overwhelmed with "financial noise" consisting of buzzwords describing ways to shuffle money around when all you want to do is drink martinis in the bar of the five-star hotel you are staying at for your business conference. 

So the next time your feet hurt because you've been standing at the register for eight straight hours, or you hear a rumor that your company is about to downsize or rightsize or whatever they are calling Firing People these days, just count your blessings- at least you aren't tortured with thoughts about whether you should invest in junk bonds, crypto or digital pictures of bored apes.  Your problems are so simple compared to the struggles of the one percent.  Why aren't more of you grateful?

Pizza Hut's confounding definition of value and taste

 

I don't know who this person is, or what she's talking about,  How exactly does paying $7.99 for warm starch, processed sugar, and enough carbohydrates to put an elephant into a coma (or the average family of fat Americans down for a long afternoon nap) equal a "good value?"  Because it's cheaper than a bucket of Kentucky Fried Grease?  

And "good taste?"  Consuming this mass-produced, bland garbage shows "good taste?"  Because it's not Taco Bell?  Talk about setting the bar low- so low, in fact, that the average American can still step over it without breaking into a sweat.  For now. 

At least Shaq isn't selling crypto, gambling apps or Not-Medicare "Coverage," but still.....

 

I guess some people think it's fun to watch Shaquille O'Neill attempt to toss a pizza for a few seconds, and hang out with a few Papa Johns employees for a few minutes, before getting into one of his luxury cars and driving to the airport to climb aboard his private jet to fly off to one of his houses, because it convinces them that this former NBA star with a net worth of $400 million is Just One of The Guys.  I say "I guess," because I don't know, and I don't know because the comment section for this video is turned off.

I think it's entirely possible that some people also think that watching a guy who has rented his name and image to low-coverage, monthly-payment car insurance and high-interest rental "services" to a massive pizza chain in exchange for god knows how much money (which he doesn't need) is a little tone-deaf.  Especially when you consider that those employees Shaq is having fun with won't make in ten years what Shaq made in a week of playing basketball- hell, they probably won't make in ten years what Shaq was paid to do this commercial.  

But again- at least he's only selling trash "food" and not life-destroying addictions or terrible investments in non-fungible non-currency.  That puts him above Jamie Foxx and the ubiquitous Kevin Hart, at least.  Low bar, but Shaq gets over it.  I wonder if he tipped those employees with something other than a signature before driving off in that car, though. 

Gambling has never been easier. Yeah...this is going to end well.

 

If I saw any idiot staring at a phone screen held two inches from his face, I'd assume he forgot to pack his glasses, not that he was suffering from "single game fixation" or whatever the hell this Not a Doctor says.  At any rate, I guess the message here is that the "cure" for "single game fixation" is to download this gambling app that lets you bet on "any game, any time" with just a few quick clicks that allow you to put your money in jeopardy before you even have a chance to think about it, which I suppose is ok if you're Charles Barkley (pretty sure he can risk $200 for "fun") but sure doesn't sound like a great return for your entertainment dollar if you are the kind of middle-class schmuck this commercial is aimed at.

By the way, this app is also the "cure" for "financial stability."  Take it often enough, and you won't have to worry about regularly having enough money to pay your bills ever again.  No more wondering what to do with your excess cash, because you won't have any.  But hey, it's all just good fun and just in case here's a GAMBLING PROBLEM? toll-free number to call!  No worries!

I thought Life was a series of insultingly stupid commercials encouraging destructive behavior?

 

Yeah, accepting a job offer is a gamble.  Buying a house is a gamble.  Getting married is a gamble. 

But here's the very worst gamble, featuring the very worst odds:  Gambling.  

I guess we're "supposed" to gamble because it's "fun" and also because if we don't, we are kind of wussy and afraid of life.  You know, like we were supposed to buy crypto for pretty much the same reason a couple of Superbowls ago.  And before that, we were supposed to smoke this or that brand of cigarettes to achieve the same result- to have fun and be seen as cool, if not trailblazers.

I missed getting in on the ground floor of smoking and crypto, and I'm going to miss the current Do This Or You're a Buzzkill Grampa trend, which I guess is making sports more "fun" by betting your financial stability on the performance of millionaires playing what I thought was just a game.  It's not that I don't want to be cool; it's just that I can't afford it. 

Again: Wendy's, nobody in their right mind would eat food prepared by these people!

 

I totally support the idea of hiring the mentally ill, but I draw the line when they feel free to start molesting customers. 

In this ad, not only does nobody on the crew have absolutely nothing to do but stare at a customer, but one of them has the effrontery to walk right up to that customer and initiate non-censual physical contact.  I smell a lawsuit.  A big one.

Maybe these weirdos should stick to coming up with "nicknames" for the Wendy's combo meals or whatever the hell they were doing in that other commercial.  At least they aren't getting all touchy-feely with the customers in that one. 

Verizon, the iPhone, and the Holidays: These aren't your parents' carols....

 

It's not that Nothing is Sacred, it's that what used to be sacred is So Very Yesterday, and what is now sacred is, well, Verizon and iPhones and desire for Shiny Electronic Stuff that is so strong that we get hit over the head with commercials like this.  

So a bunch of strangers show up to sing about the latest stupid toy the already over-indulged Child Living in an Adult's Body wants because it happens to be the Christmas season, as if the Season for Giving Yourself Things isn't all year round these days. 

And the people answering the door just take this in stride.  As do the people in the comment section.  That is, when they aren't asking for the lyrics to the "song" or wondering who the "actors" in this thing are.  Gross.