The Crumbl Cookie Cult is Really Weird

 

Crumbl "Cookies" aren't even "cookies"- they are cakes.  The company called Crumbl Cookies releases a new flavor of cake every single week and ships them out to their cult members....errr, customers, who are so super-dedicated to these thick, heavy piles of sugar that they rush to Reddit and YouTube, etc. to gush all over them whenever a new vid pops up.

These cakes have been compared to "fast fashion"- because the variety is so huge, and because the release dates are always on the way, the fan base locks in to the routine of weekly cookie delivery like wealthy people look forward to the latest clothing showing up.  When I look at the nutrition label, I think of them more like the dependable delivery of drugs right to your door, because oh my god are these things terrible for your body.  Crumbl "cookies" can have up to 900 calories each and are stuffed full of cholesterol and sugar.  They are something you might want to eat on your birthday or as desert on Thanksgiving.  Weekly deliveries?  Ick. 

And if you don't care about your health, well, what about your wallet?  These things run, on average, five dollars each.  Five dollars.  For a COOKIE.  Oh, but you can have them delivered to your door in packs of six for $22.99.  And if you are getting weekly deliveries of six cookies, please tell me that at least a dozen people are going to be helping you consume those cookies. 

The first thing I thought when I saw these cookies was "ok, just another version of Cinnabon."  The average Cinnabon cake has about the same number of calories as one of these Crumbl products.  But it's not a great idea to eat Cinnabon on a regular basis, either.  Yet apparently millions of people adore these cookies, order these cookies, consume these cookies, and FOLLOW these cookies on multiple social media platforms* like they are Taylor Swift or something.  What is the matter with you people?

*check out the comments on this YouTube ad.  Yes, I meant to use the word "cult."  Again- what is the  matter with you people?  It's a freaking overpriced, unhealthy mountain of fat and sugar.  Not the second coming of The Beatles. 

Jeep: The Last Refuge of a Scoundrel*

 

On this Memorial Day Weekend it seems especially fitting to focus on the company that claims that it's overpriced pieces of Junk on Wheels are "Patriotic" because eighty years ago vastly different versions were used to defeat the Nazis or something.

But then again, Jeep is constantly asking us to ignore the fact that these boxes of glitchy garbage get consistently poor ratings across the board and just focus on the word PATRIOT ostentatiously stamped into the side in raised letters.  That and the WWII imagery and the constantly waving American flags are supposed to distract us from the craptacular depreciation numbers and constant breakdowns caused by next-level Planned Obsolescence.  And to ignore the fact that the current Jeep Patriot Sport Whatever is an SUV, not a "Jeep" by any traditional measure.  The only "Jeep" thing about it is the word stamped on the side. 

I could go out today and buy a brand new Jeep Patriot at my local dealer for $54,000.  Or, I could buy a 2016 version with 69,000 miles on it for $9000.  Remember what I said about "depreciation?" Or I could buy TWO brand-new Honda SUVs for the same price.  Or I could just appreciate my current Honda Civic and take a bike ride.  Guess how I'm going to Remember the Fallen this weekend?

*but only if the scoundrel wants to be left stranded while his refuge is in the shop.  Again.

Just a few quick points concerning another US Money Reserve Commercial

 

1.  Katie W. hasn't got the slightest idea what the Director of the US Mint does in his daily job, but it sure sounds like it's something super-important and a responsibility that would only be given to a person who knows a LOT about money.  It probably wouldn't even bother her to know that it's traditionally been a spoils system job given to a party hack in payment of political favors.  It also probably wouldn't even bother her that of the 40 people who have served in the capacity of Director of the the US Mint, Philip N. Diehl is the ONLY one whose image is not available for the Wikipedia page listing past directors- and there's no image on his Wiki page, either.  Makes me wonder if the guy being shown in the ads is an actor....

2.  I notice that the name "Philip N. Diehl" shows up on the screen as a serious, sober-looking Corporate Type out of Central Casting strolls by in front of Probably an Important Government Building Even Though Diehl left his directorship a quarter-century ago but never speaks, leaving a great deal of plausible deniability.  IS that Mr. Diehl?  We aren't actually told.  This is getting weird.

3.  Katie W. thinks that gold coins are unique in that they are "tangible" and obviously thinks they are pretty because look she is playing with them with her grandchildren who are going to find this interesting for another 12 seconds before they remember why they hate visiting grandma.  Property is also tangible, grandma.  

4.  Does anyone believe that if they call the 800 number to discuss the purchase of gold coins, the guy on the other end of the line is going to be a fat, balding, middle-aged man wearing a business suit who has instant physical access to actual gold coins that he can touch and hold up and describe in detail while he has you on the phone?  Is this REALLY how you picture every phone call to US Money Reserve, Katie W?  Do you also think that an actual human being is reminding you to listen carefully because the menu options have changed?  You already have a reverse mortgage because you trust in the integrity of that nice Tom Selleck, guy, don't you?  I mean he's a retired private investigator, he must know all about mortgages, right?

Apple tried to warn us about their iPhone. Decades Ago.

 

It's almost quaint to see an iPhone commercial featuring a voice explaining actually HELPFUL things one can do with their phones, like finding where one parked their car (just keep making the phones easier and easier to use, because that car-finding thing is most helpful to seniors who are, incidentally, the least like demographic to be in the market for an iPhone.)

Of course, this ad is also telling us that as the iPhone improves it will be capable of doing more and more of the thinking for us, allowing our brains to atrophy so we can become more and more dependent on iPhones.  And there will be more and more ways to waste the brain cells we still have playing dumb games with each new update and each new App.

Eventually, we'd get apps for shopping and "gaming" (which used to mean losing an hour playing Candy Crush and Angry Birds but now means losing the rent at DraftKings.)  And ordering takeout at a 30 percent markup.  And watching stuff.  Lots and lots of stuff.  And doing it all while sitting.  Lots and lots of sitting.

Two decades later, I'm not sure that Apple* has improved our lives any, and in fact I'm pretty sure it's been a destructive influence.  But I don't think we get to complain that we weren't warned.  

*maybe a silver lining is that once the tariffs hit, we'll have less money to gamble away?  I'll leave that idea to the weirdos who think that they can find the bright side to every situation.  I'm not one of them.

That Trump Watch Controversy- hand me the box of Kleenex

 

1.  "I liked it because it had the same look as a Rolex Band..." first, how would you know what a Rolex band looks like when you've obviously been purchasing your watches in the Walmart "jewelry" aisle (when it's for a special occasion, like a wedding or a night out at the Golden Corral?)  Oh right, you think it "has the same look as a Rolex Band" because that's what the infomercial told you, and because the voice was that of your Dear Leader From Whom All Blessings Flow, it must have been true.

2.  "I thought that the watch would have the same integrity as the President...." oh, it does, Disappointed Customers.  Exactly the same level of integrity, and not one bit more.  Well, actually, once your watch stops working (any day now) it will still be right twice a day, which is more than you can say for the sexual predator/convicted felon/serial grifter who pitched it to you.

3.  Do I feel even the slightest bit sorry for anyone who sent $650 in for a gaudy piece of junk because it (was supposed to have) Donald Trump's name on it?  No, because Fools and their Money and all that.  I don't care if these people complain about the cost of eggs in the next breath after whimpering that they spent "hard-earned money" on a trinket that lets their neighbors know that they are in the thrall of cult leader who know they are stupid, celebrates that they are stupid, and enjoys nothing more than kicking them in the face to hear them reply "thank you sir may I have another?"*

*You may, indeed, have another.  And another.  And another.  There are still Trump bibles and Trump knives and a thousand other bits of nonsense actually stamped with this clown's actual name that you can purchase to show how....um...."Patriotic"  you are, if "Patriotic" is Latin for "lacking functional brain cells."

Repair Now, Pay Later, Pay More, Stay Poor

 

Here's how this super-helpful company provides "peace of mind" to poor people who live every day with the fear of sudden car repair bills- they offer a plan which stretches repayment options out months or years Just Sign Here Never Mind The Interest Rate You Want Your Car Don't You?

So a poor person whose credit is so lousy that they can't even carry a credit card can use his job as his credit (a phrase I'm sure he's used to from all those trips to the Buy Here Pay Here car dealerships and Payday Loan and Check Cashing offices) and for as little as zero down and an Arm and a Leg in interest can get that car fixed and back on the road in no time.  Yes, you're going to be making bimonthly payments ultimately amount to 2 or 3 times the actual cost of the repair but that's something you can worry about once you are back in the good graces of the credit industry, which will happen as soon as your investment in Powerball tickets finally pays off (it's just a matter of time, law of averages after all.)

This would be funny if it wasn't so sad, but I can't even work up a good closing line for this post.  Let's all just keep on keeping on, I guess, and be glad we're not this guy (if we aren't already this guy.)

FanDuel and that Other Manning Guy

 

This guy won two Superbowl rings and earned tens of millions of dollars as a player and celebrity endorser, but the Greatest Day of his Life was when he won the "Kick of Destiny 3" challenge sponsored by a scammy gambling app.  I guess this is supposed to be funny or entertaining and not at all cringe; we for sure are not supposed to think for even one minute about the people whose lives are being ruined engaging in this "innocent fun."

Eli Manning, Peyton Manning, David Ortiz, Kevin Hart, Jamie Foxx, Stephen A. Smith...you are money vampires, and therefore Suck.  Also because you are vampires, you've got blood all over your hands.  But I'm sure the extra handful of money to throw on the already-massive pile is worth it.  Right?