Kalshi is a product of Unregulated Capitalism. Everything old is new again.

 

This is one of those ads that throws so much insulting Stupid at the viewer that it's hard to decide what to focus on.  A lot of the commentators are fixated on the idea of betting on Jesus rising from the dead- and the comment section has predictably become a silly debate over who wins that Not-A-Bet-Don't-Call-It-A-Bet.  Being an adult in the 21st century, I have zero interest in wading into that fetid swamp.  

As a student of history, I was more taken by the image of Paul Revere warning "the British are coming" while riding through what looks to be a burning city.  Like, what the actual hell?  If the British were responsible for those flames, wouldn't the people in the town have gotten the hint way before Revere showed up?  This looks like a guy running through the streets of Pompeii while lava flows down and smoking rocks are crashing everywhere yelling "Vesuvius is Erupting!"  No S--t, Sherlock.  

What does this have in common with Jesus's rising from the dead?  Well, neither happened.  Ok, I went there.  But just for a moment. 

What REALLY interests me is labeling Kalshi for what it is- an online Bucket Shop.  In the 19th century, the Bucket Shops were open-street "markets" where people could bet (excuse me, "take futures in") whether particular stocks would go up or down.  They didn't involve the actual purchase of stock any more than current betting apps involve buying shares in sports teams.  Exactly like Kalshi, they didn't involve the transfer of actual product at all.  In 1906 the Supreme Court closed down the Bucket Shops by declaring them to be engaged in illegal gambling.  

Kalshi is no different.  It's a Bucket Shop you don't have to sneak out to in disguise to avoid being spotted and judged by your friends.  But in every other respect, it's gambling on steroids.  "Future Markets."  Give me a break.

NetCredit to the (Stupid) People

 

There's just something so off-putting about watching people with garbage credit (usually caused by failure to make timely payments or overutilization of existing credit) celebrate being given the opportunity to go more heavily into debt.  In reality, kicking the can down the road, accepting money at ruinous interest rates is nothing to be proud of, let alone happy about.  But these people act like robbing Peter to pay Paul is akin to winning the damn lottery.  What a sad display- and an even worse commentary on the state of the American Economy.  

Random Thoughts On This Skyrizi Ad

 

1.  Is it a requirement for employment at this pool-playground-resort that you are afflicted nasty skin and are on Skyrizi?

2.  The woman working at the ice cream stand is way too happy with her crummy job.  She must be the resort owner or something.  I've never been that happy doing anything in my entire life.  Handing ice cream to kids and waiting tables sure wouldn't do it for me.

3.  Those kids don't want to have a conversation with you.  Just give them their damn ice cream.

4.  Is this woman the only employee?  Who is preparing ice cream when she's carrying whatever the hell that stuff is to a table?  Why does she think she has time to chat with the customers?  Someone is waiting at the counter to order ice cream.  What the actual hell is going on here?

5.  Why isn't this woman wearing sunglasses?  Sure seems bright out, and she seems to be engaged in a constant squint.  

6.  Is the guy really trying to teach kids how to swim?  He doesn't know how to.  Why aren't the kids wearing goggles?  He wears goggles when he swims underwater. Why did he just jump into the pool right next to them, splashing chlorine into their eyes, when you KNOW there are "No Jumping" signs all over the place?  

Ok I'm done.  This ad is really, really stupid.

The Split Pay by Rent App is both terrifying and depressingly predictable

 

It's basically AfterPay for Rent, except that I'm pretty sure that AfterPay for Rent already existed.  It's in line with proposals for 50-year mortgages and the ever-lengthening car note (which will average 7 years in 2026, up from 5 two years ago and 3 twenty years ago...)

And how does this even help?  If your rent is $1000 a month (you must be renting that room Patrick Swayze lived in outside of Jasper, Missouri in Road House) and you can split it into two payments of $500 every two weeks...what does this do, exactly?  You still need $1000 a month.  Who has $500 every two weeks but not $1000 a month.  Oh, right- people who are absolutely horrible at managing money.  Like "if my rent is not due for 28 days, I'm going to spend that money before I can write a check to the landlord."  This app is created for people who know they are stupid children with money who cannot be depended on to pay their predictable, scheduled bills despite having predictable, scheduled paydays.

I'd love to see the correlation between people who use this- um- "service" and the people who use one of those apps that "pay" (lend you) your salary by the day because budgeting between paychecks is suddenly Too Difficult Because Reasons, Probably Because of those Boomers Who Ruined Everything.  I bet it's really high.  What odds can I get, DraftKings?

Is Capvaxive a treatment for Loud Liberal Posing?

 

Gotta love how the woman at the center of this ad is supposed to be helping to clean up a beach, but instead is more focused on picking up a single tin can and then just standing there as if she's just conquered the freaking universe.  I think her photograph must be in the encyclopedia under "Performative Activism."

And then, to put the perfect period on the day, we see her eating lunch out of some truck diner using a plastic cup and plastic straw.  Yeah, she's super into the environment, bro.  Get her a medal to go along with that halo. 

Jeep disproves the old adage "Legends Never Die."

 

Jeep is still trying to get some mileage (no pun intended) from the dim memory of it being a uniquely American product known for it's reliability and toughness.  Never mind that the brand has been owned by Stellantis- a Dutch company- for more than a decade now and nobody who knows anything about cars thinks that anything carrying the Jeep brand built after 2016 is worth anywhere near the sticker price.

Not sure why Stellantis thought it was a good idea to show it's latest garbage falling apart while traveling at high speeds, but I'll give points for accuracy, anyway.  Current Jeep owners will certainly recognize the parts in the exploded view- it's what they see scattered on the garage floor at their mechanic on a regular basis. 

What is Pepperidge Farm doing with these ads?

 

1.  Why does everyone in these Goldfish Cracker Commercials act so awkward and nervous? It's like they KNOW they look stupid.  But it's all so cringe.  First we had the guy and girl repeatedly bumping hands because no one could be bothered to find a damn bowl.  Now this.  Whatever this is.

2.  Why are there Goldfish Cracker Commercials at all?  Who the hell doesn't already know about the existence of these things?  

3.  How is any of this supposed to make me want to eat Goldfish Crackers?  Especially if they aren't the whole grain ones.  The only Goldfish Crackers worth eating are the whole grain ones.  All of this is just so stupid.