How did I miss this Kia Holiday Sales Event Commercial?

 

I mean, it does such a great job aping the Lexus December to Remember ads that it could pass as a Saturday Night Live skit.  As in, "Look- here's a sort-of kind-of if-you-squint-and-ignore-pretty-much

-everything, this looks like a Lexus no really."

And I'm almost glad that I live in a universe where people who aren't hedge fund managers can aspire to own a car that at least pretends to provide a...um...."luxury" experience.  All you have to do is sign here and spend the next four years pretending that isn't a KIA logo on the front chrome and the steering wheel (again, squint really hard and MAYBE you can make it look like it's a Lexus.)  Just put a red ribbon on it and stick it in the driveway and hope beyond hope that when the significant other you bought it for looks at it, the scene doesn't turn into a replay of George Costanza's gifting of a cashmere sweater.  As in "oh it's beautiful, it's gorgeous, how could you possibly afford.....ewww, what's that?  A KIA logo?  Ooooh....well....it's still beautiful, really, I mean, thanks very much....um....you got the warranty, right?"

This Outback Commercial is the ultimate in Low Effort....

 

...so my take on it will match it's imaginative energy, if not the energy of it's main character.

Seriously, though- I've never in my life been as excited about anything as much as this guy is at the prospect of eating a mid-priced steak dinner at a chain restaurant.  After being turned down for a job, yet.  This guy should have been hired for his enthusiasm alone, except that if he's this fixated on Yet Another Night at Outback I doubt he's got a lot left for whatever the job is. 

That's all I've got, except that I continue to be impressed at how over-the-top the reaction to going to Outback is for this guy.  Imagine if he won a gift card to Ruth's Chris.  I think he'd explode.

"Confused?" Yes, Snickers, I am.

 

About a few things, actually...

First, is the second woman at this table such an addict that the connection between her brain and her muscles simply fails if her blood sugar drops below a certain level?  She looks as though she has no idea what she did with that glass or why she did it.  I would be thinking epilepsy, not "let's get you another quick sugar fix."  Does her friend carry candy around in her purse specifically for occasions like this?

Second, the woman who just had what I'll charitably refer to as an "episode" needs something other than a sugar hit.  She needs a roll of absorbent paper towels so she can clean up her mess.  Because, you know, it's her responsibility and if she walks out without at least offering she ought to be banned from the place.  

Third...seriously, Mars?  We're still doing this "you're not yourself when you're hungry" bit?  It's almost twenty years old now.  And it never made any sense.  Sugar doesn't satisfy hunger.  It stimulates it- besides leading to a lot of other health issues that DON'T result from a balanced diet.  And I don't see how this commercial sells your product anyway.  Personality-changing addiction is funny?  Since when?

This Special K with Berries Commercial

 

So the question is "Why does Special K have 10 grams of protein?"  Followed by several shots of an old woman who needs energy and thinks that getting it from a bowl of soggy pencil shavings makes more sense than from eggs (which have six ounces of protein EACH.)

I have a better question.  Why does a 19-ounce box of Special K cost almost $9?  If you get your protein from eggs, you are paying about 4 cents per gram.  If you get it from Special K, it will cost you about 20 cents per gram.  And that doesn't include the milk you kind of have to consume along with the Special K but aren't necessary to serve along with the eggs.  

I'm just sayin'....if are going to eat Special K because you like Special K, that's fine.  But don't tell me you're spending that kind of money on cereal because you figure you need the protein.  If it's all about the protein, eat an egg or two.  This isn't rocket science. 

Kalshi is a product of Unregulated Capitalism. Everything old is new again.

 

This is one of those ads that throws so much insulting Stupid at the viewer that it's hard to decide what to focus on.  A lot of the commentators are fixated on the idea of betting on Jesus rising from the dead- and the comment section has predictably become a silly debate over who wins that Not-A-Bet-Don't-Call-It-A-Bet.  Being an adult in the 21st century, I have zero interest in wading into that fetid swamp.  

As a student of history, I was more taken by the image of Paul Revere warning "the British are coming" while riding through what looks to be a burning city.  Like, what the actual hell?  If the British were responsible for those flames, wouldn't the people in the town have gotten the hint way before Revere showed up?  This looks like a guy running through the streets of Pompeii while lava flows down and smoking rocks are crashing everywhere yelling "Vesuvius is Erupting!"  No S--t, Sherlock.  

What does this have in common with Jesus's rising from the dead?  Well, neither happened.  Ok, I went there.  But just for a moment. 

What REALLY interests me is labeling Kalshi for what it is- an online Bucket Shop.  In the 19th century, the Bucket Shops were open-street "markets" where people could bet (excuse me, "take futures in") whether particular stocks would go up or down.  They didn't involve the actual purchase of stock any more than current betting apps involve buying shares in sports teams.  Exactly like Kalshi, they didn't involve the transfer of actual product at all.  In 1906 the Supreme Court closed down the Bucket Shops by declaring them to be engaged in illegal gambling.  

Kalshi is no different.  It's a Bucket Shop you don't have to sneak out to in disguise to avoid being spotted and judged by your friends.  But in every other respect, it's gambling on steroids.  "Future Markets."  Give me a break.

NetCredit to the (Stupid) People

 

There's just something so off-putting about watching people with garbage credit (usually caused by failure to make timely payments or overutilization of existing credit) celebrate being given the opportunity to go more heavily into debt.  In reality, kicking the can down the road, accepting money at ruinous interest rates is nothing to be proud of, let alone happy about.  But these people act like robbing Peter to pay Paul is akin to winning the damn lottery.  What a sad display- and an even worse commentary on the state of the American Economy.  

Random Thoughts On This Skyrizi Ad

 

1.  Is it a requirement for employment at this pool-playground-resort that you are afflicted nasty skin and are on Skyrizi?

2.  The woman working at the ice cream stand is way too happy with her crummy job.  She must be the resort owner or something.  I've never been that happy doing anything in my entire life.  Handing ice cream to kids and waiting tables sure wouldn't do it for me.

3.  Those kids don't want to have a conversation with you.  Just give them their damn ice cream.

4.  Is this woman the only employee?  Who is preparing ice cream when she's carrying whatever the hell that stuff is to a table?  Why does she think she has time to chat with the customers?  Someone is waiting at the counter to order ice cream.  What the actual hell is going on here?

5.  Why isn't this woman wearing sunglasses?  Sure seems bright out, and she seems to be engaged in a constant squint.  

6.  Is the guy really trying to teach kids how to swim?  He doesn't know how to.  Why aren't the kids wearing goggles?  He wears goggles when he swims underwater. Why did he just jump into the pool right next to them, splashing chlorine into their eyes, when you KNOW there are "No Jumping" signs all over the place?  

Ok I'm done.  This ad is really, really stupid.