The lost (but necessary) verses of Billy Joel's "Piano Man"

 

And Billy he sits at his keyboard

Condescension it drips from his face

Ignoring the prominent tip jar 

He thinks that he owns the whole place

"I know the back story of every man

who regularly haunts this old bar

and I pretend I'm so much Better Than

and nowhere the Losers they are."

_______________________________________________

"Sing us a song you're the Piano Man

there's no reason to just make us wait

and we don't need permission

'cause you're just a musician

so why do you think your life's so Great?  

--OR--

"Hey Piano Man just stuff your attitude

we're not here to be frowned on by you

we don't need any pity 

and we don't think you're witty

and remember that you're in here too."

What the F is with this Small Business Ad?

 

You know, if you want my business maybe DON'T launch a series of ads telling me that Entrepreneurs are "built different," as if you are of a Superior Line to us 9-5 Lessars.

Because in the end, it's our money- gained from 9 to 5 jobs- that you're grubbing for, depend on, and simply cannot survive without.  So maybe get out of my face with this "we're built different" BS.  Frankly, I don't give a damn if your Quirky Little Shop That's Been Your Dream Ever Since You Figured You Were Too Good For The Grind survives or not.  I don't give a damn how hard you think you work, or how hard you actually do work.  No matter WHAT you are offering the public, it is definitely NOT unique to your business and I absolutely guarantee I can get it somewhere else.  Maybe the quality won't be as good, but it will be cheaper.  Maybe the quality will be better, it will just be more expensive.  Maybe it will be equal in all respects except that can get it faster from someone else.

Or maybe, just maybe, I can get it from someone who isn't going to assault me with a bragging "We're Just Better Than You" ad campaign "explaining" why self-styled Entrepreneurs are "Just Built Differently" from this career 9-to-5er who, sorry, doesn't owe you one damn thing including money.

You're dumb enough even for Autotrader? Really?

 

"I get shopping for cars on line- but you're really going to BUY one online?"

"Really."

"You're really going to pick out a car based on AI-enhanced images?"

"Really."

"You're going to commit to payments of $530 a month for SIXTY MONTHS without even test-driving the car?"

"Really."

"And you're really going tto do this with a year-old Hyundai Tuscan?" 

"Really."

"And you're really going to do all this and have the dealership just drop off the car without you even taking it to a mechanic and having it checked out?  A Hyundai?"

"Really."  

"Not even a simple walk around the car to check for dings, not even a quick look at the engine so you can PRETEND to have a clue, not even a glance at the interior to check for cracks, stains, rips...Really?"

"Really."

"Could you do me a favor?  Please tell me I'm adopted.  I mean- are you Really my biological parent?"

"Really."

"I'm so totally screwed." 

Optima Tax Relief- Yes, it's complicated. No, I don't care.

 

"You don't want to take on the IRS alone..."

So, um....pay your taxes.  Regularly, and accurately.  That way, you'll probably never have to take on the IRS, alone or otherwise.

Most recent Optima Tax Relief Ads include a line about the tax code being "too complicated."  I actually agree that filing taxes is too complicated and this complication seems to be by design, as the result of lobbying by professional tax prep services (NOT to make it easier for the IRS to "come after" innocent "victims" of complicated paperwork.)  But the line is included in the ads to suggest that the main reason people fail to pay taxes is because it's too complicated, a philosophy that (it seems to me) goes hand in hand with the argument that most people steal because paying for things is hard and most people who drive drunk do so because alcohol is delicious and the United States lacks Walkable Cities.

In other words....Just, No.  You can't convince me that the great majority of people who do not file taxes fail because they just can't figure out HOW.  Naw, they don't file because they don't want to pay.  I'm sure it's comforting to a thief to be called a "victim" who is being "targeted" by the Big Bad Government but let's be honest- failing to file taxes because doing so is "complicated" doesn't make it any less of a crime.  

The very name "Tax Relief" irritates me to no end.  It's bad enough that there are endless loopholes and shelters available to the very rich, whose tax burden is ALREADY very low compared to pretty much every other nation in the Western World.  I don't have a tear to shed for anyone who wants "relief" from paying their share of the cost of keeping their country afloat while they enjoy all the benefits OUR tax dollars provide.  We are the ones who need Relief- from scofflaws who think that they are exceptional cases who should be allowed to skate on their financial obligations to the society they live in.  

Declare Independence by taking on Debt!

 

(Yes, I know I'm using the same ad as a few days ago, but who watches them anyway?  I have a few more points to make.)

The fully-equipped Toyota Capstone (shown being used to pick up coffee in this ad) has an out-the-door price of $83,000.  That's not a misprint- the price starts with an EIGHT.

At 4.9% financing (available only to customers with credit scores in the top 10%) and no money down, this translates into payments of $1193 spread out over Seventy-Two Months.)  The AVERAGE new car of ANY model carries a note of $775 per month for an average of SIXTY months.  Buying this truck isn't a Declaration of Independence; it's the taking of a new mortgage.  

I also love that this ad shows a young black woman buying the truck.  The average black family in the United States has an annual income of $56,000 compared to just over $80,000 for the average white family.  This truck is not a feasible purchase for white people; it's downright insulting to show a twenty-something black girl buying one.  (BTW, how many twentysomething black girls in the United States do you think qualify for 4.9% financing?  How many who AREN'T celebrities?)

I bet people who buy these things are sold on the fact that they are, after all, Toyotas and not Kias or Hyundais or (g-d forbid) Jeeps or Fords and therefore at least will provide reliable transportation and keep more of their value over the seven years they are going to be chained at the hip to them.  But still- signing away money that could be building equity in a retirement fund for a depreciating asset that wasn't worth anything close to the price tag when BRAND NEW is shocking-stupid and definitely something I would expect an inexperienced, silly young person to do with a huge smile on her face while a salesperson (who absolutely has something to celebrate) shoots off confetti.

Cool Cove ACs- this summer's Robot Rabbits

 

I strongly believe that there's a factory somewhere in Eastern Europe that is constantly marketing and manufacturing something- ANYTHING- in response to whatever the hot (no pun intended) trend is in the Western World.

Christmas?  Check out these AI-enhanced robot puppies that "respond to your child's commands."  (Actually, the are just the same bark, wobble and flip junk toys that have been available at the Dollar Store for years now.)  Easter?  Now the AI-enhanced robots are rabbits, not puppies.  Otherwise, the exact same product.

A brutal heatwave in the Developed (Western, Rich, filled with stupid people with money) World?  Let's crank out fake "miracle air conditioners" that can cool rooms from 90 to 60 degrees in seconds with zero installation, no condensation, and very little electricity used- the "miracle" is found in the breaking of the laws of physics and thermodynamics.  Let's buy cheap (again, AI-generated) ads with fake five-star reviews and plaster them all over Facebook where ignorant dopes looking for some relief can get suckered in with the promise of cool temperatures at low cost and minimal effort.  Never mind that these "air conditioners" are nothing more than cheap electric fans sold at enormous markups despite the low-on-the-surface cost (if the advertised price is $19.99 plus shipping from Croatia or Vietnam, it's actually closer to $30, and if you ever actually get the product- long after the heat wave has passed- you'll find that you bought a tiny $2 fan encased in an unnecessarily large plastic container.)  

This same "product" will be rebranded as a Miracle Heater this winter, I guarantee it.  And it will sell, because people are Dumb.  I mean, CarShield is still a thing, right?  

Toyota: Good Cars, Stupid Commercials

 

With the single exception of my very first car, a 1974 Superbeetle purchased for me by my Volkswagen-devotee grandfather, every single automobile I've ever owned has been a Toyota or a Honda.   I think they are the best values on the market and have been for more than forty years, so I generally shy away from ragging on their commercials all that often.

Still, Jan the Toyota Spokeschoad has certainly gone to seed and even if she hadn't, this commercial for the Toyota Summer Sales Event is Peak Dumb.  First, we get the usual "purchasing this truck is your gateway to amazing summer adventures for reals," like it's impossible to complete a backyard project or take a trip to the mountains or the beach unless it's in an SUV masquerading as a work truck.  Never mind that last weekend I lugged 12 bags of volcanic rock home from the Tractor Supply Store in my 2-door Coupe.  Never mind that I regularly use the same car for week-long beach vacations.  I'm sure it would be much easier and, more importantly, FUN and EXCITING in a brand new truck, but I proved it could be done. 

Second, we get a look at what these "trucks" are actually going to be used for- picking up coffee at the Drive-Thru.  Something I'm really quite sure I can pull off in my Coupe but to be safe perhaps better not even attempt it without first purchasing a $30,000 Not-Truck from Jan.  After all, if I'm going to be a typical American truck owner, I'm going to be hauling a lot more drive-thru coffee than landscaping supplies and I'm going to be taking a lot more trips by myself to the store than with family to the beach or the mountains.  Not letting a dog in my car though.  No way.