The Split Pay by Rent App is both terrifying and depressingly predictable

 

It's basically AfterPay for Rent, except that I'm pretty sure that AfterPay for Rent already existed.  It's in line with proposals for 50-year mortgages and the ever-lengthening car note (which will average 7 years in 2026, up from 5 two years ago and 3 twenty years ago...)

And how does this even help?  If your rent is $1000 a month (you must be renting that room Patrick Swayze lived in outside of Jasper, Missouri in Road House) and you can split it into two payments of $500 every two weeks...what does this do, exactly?  You still need $1000 a month.  Who has $500 every two weeks but not $1000 a month.  Oh, right- people who are absolutely horrible at managing money.  Like "if my rent is not due for 28 days, I'm going to spend that money before I can write a check to the landlord."  This app is created for people who know they are stupid children with money who cannot be depended on to pay their predictable, scheduled bills despite having predictable, scheduled paydays.

I'd love to see the correlation between people who use this- um- "service" and the people who use one of those apps that "pay" (lend you) your salary by the day because budgeting between paychecks is suddenly Too Difficult Because Reasons, Probably Because of those Boomers Who Ruined Everything.  I bet it's really high.  What odds can I get, DraftKings?

Is Capvaxive a treatment for Loud Liberal Posing?

 

Gotta love how the woman at the center of this ad is supposed to be helping to clean up a beach, but instead is more focused on picking up a single tin can and then just standing there as if she's just conquered the freaking universe.  I think her photograph must be in the encyclopedia under "Performative Activism."

And then, to put the perfect period on the day, we see her eating lunch out of some truck diner using a plastic cup and plastic straw.  Yeah, she's super into the environment, bro.  Get her a medal to go along with that halo. 

Jeep disproves the old adage "Legends Never Die."

 

Jeep is still trying to get some mileage (no pun intended) from the dim memory of it being a uniquely American product known for it's reliability and toughness.  Never mind that the brand has been owned by Stellantis- a Dutch company- for more than a decade now and nobody who knows anything about cars thinks that anything carrying the Jeep brand built after 2016 is worth anywhere near the sticker price.

Not sure why Stellantis thought it was a good idea to show it's latest garbage falling apart while traveling at high speeds, but I'll give points for accuracy, anyway.  Current Jeep owners will certainly recognize the parts in the exploded view- it's what they see scattered on the garage floor at their mechanic on a regular basis. 

What is Pepperidge Farm doing with these ads?

 

1.  Why does everyone in these Goldfish Cracker Commercials act so awkward and nervous? It's like they KNOW they look stupid.  But it's all so cringe.  First we had the guy and girl repeatedly bumping hands because no one could be bothered to find a damn bowl.  Now this.  Whatever this is.

2.  Why are there Goldfish Cracker Commercials at all?  Who the hell doesn't already know about the existence of these things?  

3.  How is any of this supposed to make me want to eat Goldfish Crackers?  Especially if they aren't the whole grain ones.  The only Goldfish Crackers worth eating are the whole grain ones.  All of this is just so stupid.

What is actually going on in this Eylea Ad?

 

I get that grandma wants to see granddaughter in the recital and thanks to this medication- and a front-row seat- she gets to do that.  But there's something really off about this ad.  Several somethings, in fact.

Grandma is staring at the stage with a frozen smile on her face that has me half-convinced that she's just enjoying the experience of being out of the Assisted Living Home for a few hours and isn't at all sure what she's watching.  Is the medication helping grandma see the performance better, or does it just prevent blinking?

Is granddaughter really coming down from the stage to hand grandma a battery-powered nightlight shaped like a star and a hug, or is this just happening in grandma's imagination?  I kind of think the latter, because it seems like every other person in the audience would be a parent or grandparent and would be wondering what the star treatment (I didn't mean that to be a pun) is all about.  If it's all just grandma's imagination, doesn't that mean that she's just wandered off into her own fantasy world again and nothing she's dreaming up in her own head requires eye medication?

Come to think of it, maybe Eylea has nothing to do with eyes.  Maybe it's just an hallucinogen made for the elderly promoted by adult children and grandchildren to get old people to stop asking for so much attention.  Baby Tiffany never calls or visits?  Put a few drops of this stuff in your eyes and the next thing you know, you'll "see" Tiffany dancing on stage and even stepping down to pay homage in the form of glowing stars.  That good enough for you, grandma?  

The way Fitbit reduces stress: Ignore Everything except the step tracker

 

The only thing consistent about my Fitbit's "fitness tracker" feature is it's almost comical inconsistency.

Saturday:  "You've been maintaining fitness and your readiness is moderate.  Aim for 10-34 zone minutes."

I work out on Saturday and exceed the recommendations.

Sunday:  "You've been maintaining fitness and your readiness is high.  Aim for 20-75 zone minutes."

I take a long walk and spend most of the day at the gym.

Monday:  "You've really been pushing it lately and are in danger of overtraining.  Schedule some time for recovery to avoid injury.  Aim for 1-18 zone minutes."

I take a long walk, hit the gym, and go way above requirements.

Tuesday:  "You have been maintaining fitness and your readiness is moderate.  Aim for 20-56 zone minutes."

I take a break from exercise though as usual hit my step goal.

Wednesday:  "You have been maintaining fitness. Aim for 40-80 zone minutes to get back on track." WTF?

I hit the gym and go way above recommendations.

Thursday:  "Schedule some time for Recovery.  Aim for 1-10 zone minutes to prevent injury."

I get my steps in and hit 14 zone minutes.

Friday:  "You are at risk of undertraining and your readiness is High.  Aim for 40-99 zone minutes."

What. the Actual. F?

Add to this the fact that every few days I can do an hour on the treadmill, get 10,000 steps in, and record ZERO zone minutes, and I'm convinced that I should stop reading the Daily Goal paragraph on my Fitbit and just look at the step tracker.  That seems to be pretty accurate.  Maybe the sleep score too.  But I'm done with the Daily Goal nonsense; that feature was clearly programmed by the same people who brought us the Magic 8 Ball method of making decisions.    

(Quick Update:  Yesterday I hit 229 zone minutes and a cardio load of 155 (target was 90-125.)  So what does Fitbit say this morning?  "You've been at risk of undertraining recently...." and my cardio load target is 145-194.  I guarantee that if I reach that goal, tomorrow it will tell me that I'm in danger of overtraining.  This thing is an absolute JOKE.)

KFC just needs to make their Bowls a little Bigger....

 

These things already contain fried chicken, macaroni and cheese, potatoes, and gravy.  Make the bowl a little larger and KFC could add gummy bears, cigarettes, whiskey, and a gambling app and make this the perfect Grab and Go for people in a hurry to destroy their lives. 

"Failure Pile in a Sadness Bowl."  I wish I had thought of that.  And yes, 2 AM in your own apartment is the only proper time and place to consume this Most American Meal Ever.