Friday, April 16, 2010

Finally, a Commercial which features Dad as a Role Model!

Here's an interesting twist to the "infantile people can't, and shouldn't, be able to do one damned thing without consulting their phones first" theme, which is not exclusive to Verizon Wireless and the 3G Network.

A family of intentionally vague ethnicity arrives at the entrance to The Magic Kingdom, ready for a day of long lines, crowds, noise, bad food and the occasional roller coaster ride. "It's the moment of truth" the narrator tells us, as Mommy pulls out her phone, her red map of the United States of Freckles pops up, and the kids lean forward to see whatever the hell it is Mommy has to do on her phone THIS TIME.

"Moment of truth?" I had to watch this commercial for a few times before I figured out what the intended message was- this woman is actually trying to use her phone to find out which rides have the shortest lines, so the family can plan their journey through the maze of pasty old parents, surly texting teenagers, and whiny adolescents with maximum efficiency. That the lines aren't getting shorter- and no one is getting any younger- as they stand there waiting for Mommy to pronounce that Verizon has once again Shown the Way doesn't seem to occur to any of them, except....

"Where's dad?" one of the kid asks. Dad? Who is dad? Oh, that guy who came with us and purchased our Unlimited Talking Plans, is that who you are talking about? Yeah, where IS dad?

There he is- he's given a silent "Fuck This" to what is probably Episode #16,758 in the Adventures of Helpless Mom and Her All-Knowing Phone and has ditched his family to jump on a ride.

Let's set aside the fact that this means Dad has gone through the entrance without them, and that if he's carrying the money, they ain't getting in. Let's instead focus on the way Verizon has just snarked all over it's own concept-- We are told that Mommy NEEDS to use her phone to find the rides with the shortest lines ( I think that most sane people choose rides based on what looks like the most fun, not which have the shortest lines, which is why you don't see a lot of people on the Teacups or Ferris Wheel) but then we are shown that Dad has managed to score a ride WITHOUT waiting for Verizon to Tell Him What To Do.

In fact, Dad has broken free of Verizon AND his dimwitted, phone-dependent wife and children, and is ahead of them in the Having Fun department. Because he IGNORED the fact that Verizon's 3G Network could have provided him with a map of rides the family could have spent the day staring at instead. Imagine that!

The kids might appreciate this, but I suspect that Mommy will be very disapproving, and will be reporting her non-conformist husband to The Network at the end of the day. I mean, where does he get off finding rides by just looking around? He will be assimilated, dammit!

But until then- Dad, I salute you. The only way you could have played this better is if you had taken the phone out of Mommy's hand and chucked it into the nearest deep fryer.


  1. That big balloon thing from "The Prisoner" will pop out of the water and consume Dad for trying to escape the Village of Verizon. He will be re-educated. Be seeing you!

  2. I loved the way Homer Simpson handled that balloon in the show's brilliant take on "The Prisoner"- by popping it with a plastic fork.

    Male Scientist: "Why did you think a balloon would be able to stop him?"

    Female Scientist: "Shut Up! That's Why!"

  3. And just imagine how much time Mommy and the kids must have spent gazing at that freaking phone- when they begin looking at it, Daddy is right there. When they look up to wonder where he is, he's already entered the park, gone through a line, and is on a ride. Got to figure Zombie Phone Family spent at least 15 minutes trying to figure out how to "save time" on lines by staring at Mommy's stupid toy.

    One of these days, Mommy will look up from "checking" something and say to her daughter "weren't you a toddler just a minute ago?"

  4. Yeah, Im surprised that birds havent started to make a nest in her butch, I dont care what I look like anymore haircut as she stands their frozen by the flashing lights of her phone. Also, good point about the "intentionally vague ethnicity". Not only do the children look nothing like their parents but they look somewhat hispanic. Are we to assume they are adopted?

  5. One more thing...
    The narrator says the the family is "excited to ride everything". Could have fooled me. The kids look like mom may have mixed a few crushed valiums into their coco puffs this morning.

  6. I see a mom all too willing to waste a great deal of the day looking at a tiny screen, and two kids who seem perfectly willing to join in on the Fun Phone Staring. Only dad acts like an actual human being who is excited about something other than the little blinky, beeping thing in Mom's hand.

  7. This sort of crap is why I don't much care for cell phones; instead of using the things to further human contact, Verizon and their kind are doing their damnedest to make Fahrenheit 451 a reality.

  8. Anyone who has taken a walk in the park, ridden on a bus or train, or carried out pretty much any activity outside the house knows that cell phones don't "increase connectivity." They enable people to build "don't bother me" walls around themselves. I wonder how anyone meets anymore, and if eHarmony has stock in cell phone companies.