Sunday, April 11, 2010

The Laura and Randy Story, OR "Aiming Low-Making it Work for You"

Time for another nugget of hardened bile from our friends at EHarmony. I've seen a few pretty snarkable commercials for this "service" lately; I think I'll take them one at a time and get multiple posts out of them. Thanks in advance, EHarmony.

Let's start by meeting Laura. "By the time I met Randy, I knew what I wanted" this fortysomething, pasty, not very interesting looking woman tells the camera. Yes, I'm sure that's true- by the time you hit your forties, you had long since decided that what you wanted was to NOT DIE ALONE.

So you were willing to settle for Randy, a fat, fortysomething doofus who likes to play the accordion. More about that later. Let's hear from Randy now:

"Everyone is complex- we oversimplify ourselves, and we oversimplify each other a lot." On second thought, let's not hear from Randy. Because I have no idea what he just said. People are complex-- so we oversimplify? And that's a good thing or a bad thing? Are people just too complicated without a computer dating service to match them? What?

Well, ok- one more comment from Randy before we wrap this up: "I put that on my EHarmony thing, that I play the Accordion."

Laura: "Did you?"

Randy: "No." (laughs.)

I can only think of two ways to interpret this: Either this guy didn't tell EHarmony that he plays the accordion, leaving Laura to find out the horrible truth on her own, or Randy is referring to the present, and is still using EHarmony to find his soul mate. Sorry, Laura. You're ok for now, but Randy's still playing the electronic field. He thinks he can do better. I'm not so sure.

I'll wrap up by getting back to Laura's original comment- "...By the time I met Randy, I knew what I was looking for." You know, I find it really hard to believe that you couldn't find an overweight, average-looking, lonely geek who lies about his musical instrument preference without paying an online dating service to do it for you. I also find it really hard to believe that Randy is what you described as your dream match when you filled out your profile. But hey, I'm happy for you if you are happy for yourself, and wish you all the best.

Until Randy is "matched" with someone who doesn't know about his accordion, of course.


  1. I love the blog. This is my new favorite website. I stumbled upon your site home sick from work after watching that Yoplait commercial where the wife gives her husband shit for telling his friend that he is losing weight while eating random desserts which is actually flavored yogurt. I wanted to see if there were others on the internet who hated it as much as I do. Well, I ended up reading your blog until my eyes started to bleed. I have seen every commercial you have written about and have had the exact same thoughts. It's great because it's funny and because it is nice to know that there is someone who is just as much of an incessant, sarcastic, cynical, realist as I am. Maybe more so, which seems impossible to me. How do you do it? People laugh at the things I say and I notice some of my younger colleagues will start to mimic me. I quickly let them know that they do not want to be like me. I have lost girlfriends because of my opinions. I basically cannot make any new friends as only the same dick heads I grew up with share my views. Do you only say these things on the blog and hold back in public? I completely lack this ability and at this point I am not interested in changing. Someone has to tell the rest of these numb skulls whats what. Anyway, keep up the good work. Your doing a real service.

  2. Yes, I'm sure that's true- by the time you hit your forties, you had long since decided that what you wanted was to NOT DIE ALONE.

    Again, another stupid ad for another service of questionable morality; there has to be a special place in Hell for those who dangle the prospect of love-by-the-numbers in front of the lonely and desperate.

  3. Probably the same level of Hell reserved for the people who write the "you deserve a second chance, you have the RIGHT to settle your debts for a fraction of what you owe" ads.