Wednesday, June 9, 2010

You're so much lumpier than on Facebook

It's epic! It's massive! It's Rosa, a dim bulb with a cute face and a phone who has been chosen to find out if those 800-plus losers who took five seconds to add their names to her "Social Network" (snigger, condescend) are really her "friends." Well, why the hell not, if it's on someone else's dime? It's not like Rosa has a lot going on with her life right now, right?

After all, with Rosa, it's all about her phone and the internet. Thank God, they've been combined- no more long nights stuck in front of the laptop, updating what isn't going on in Rosa's "Social Life" (cough-loser-cough) beyond leaving messages for other anonymous potatoes she's "met" online. Now Rosa can stare at a slightly smaller screen while she sits on buses, sits on trains, sits on park benches, sits in class, sits in her car narrowly avoiding sideswiping me as I was just trying to get to work, dammit-- all the while gazing at the 21st century's version of the Idiot Box. Good for you, Rosa.

And now she's off to actually meet the carbon-based life forms she's been aimlessly texting as the years of her youth have flown by. And finding disappointment. Eww, this one wants me to come to his condo to watch some documentary. Eww, this one doesn't respond to Rosa's "aren't I as hot as the picture I posted for every sexual predator on the planet to see?" query with the enthusiasm Rosa has come to expect from her largely imaginary "friends."

Bottom line- the end result of Rosa's Epic, Massive Journey of Personal Discovery is the confirmation of her theory that people are basically smelly, obnoxious, fat little lumps of sweaty paste who really ought to be experienced through screenames and tweets, not in the flesh. Online, "friends" are always there for you- God Knows they are never without their phones, and thanks to Kin, this means that they'll never be offline, ever. In 3D (the thought is actually quite frightening, don't you think?) "friends" are way too real, and talking to them face to face is awkward, confusing, and more than a little icky. As Rosa might put it, its just eww lol. I mean, you know how hard it is to just sign off on someone when they are sitting across the table from you?

I'm pretty sure that this is the real message of Kin- Cyber Friends are the only kind of friends to have. Real people suck. Rosa has learned his lesson, so you don't have to. Besides, just try to make 800 friends in the real world! I dare you!

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