Sunday, May 8, 2011

A Modern Case of Spring Fever

First, let me assure you that this is an actual commercial for an actual product. It's not snark, it's not an old SNL skit, it's REAL.

As near as I can tell, someone bought a warehouse full of old vinyl siding and came up with the truly ingenious idea of selling it as "Furniture Fixer"- basically an artificial "floor" which can be slipped under couch cushions to keep them from sagging.

Of course, this product isn't just a cushion stabilizer. It's a "miracle" product which will save you "hundreds" of dollars in furniture replacement- the replacement you thought was necessary because you stood there like a pillar of salt while your bratty, thoughtless, misbehaving spawn jumped all over your favorite sofa (And green dollar signs floated through the air in your oddly black-and-white world. Surreal.)

(Seriously, isn't it obvious that this couple has bigger problems than Coil Integrity? I love the frustrated "what can we do?" gestures, though. How about CONTROLLING YOUR KIDS, PEOPLE!!??)

What happens when your cushions sag? Well, it turns out that it isn't cushion elves have sabotaged your furniture. Nor does it mean that Coily the Spring Sprite is off teaching some old guy a lesson about making wishes without thinking them through first ( I included that classic little Short for those of you who don't remember the 1950s or teach about it in their history classes.) No, it means that years of wear and tear has depressed those coils and now it's "Impossible to get up!" (Oh no, Grampa is doomed to spend the rest of his life on the couch!)

And just in case you aren't sold on the idea that interlocking siding panels are the solution to your sagging cushions, we get the usual avalanche of "extras" available for "no additional cost- just separate shipping and handling." The "couch pouch" attaches to your Good as New furniture so that you never have to look for your tv remote, tv guide, magazines, pens, pencils, paper- oh heck, so you never have to get off your ass ever, ever again. You can also get a set of "Furniture Movers" so that if you ever do get up again, you can- well, move your furniture. And now that you're REALLY hooked, ask about the "Furniture Lifter," which will come in handy when you realize your broken couch is still broken and it's time to haul it to the curb.

Just don't forget to take out that vinyl siding first. You'd hate to risk having the garbage men find it under the cushions, and realize what a dope you are with your money.


  1. "Coily the Spring?" Really? I guess now I know where the creators of "South Park" got the idea for "Towelie".

    The funniest thing about "Furniture Fix" is that the producers managed to turn that product's features into an ad that runs for TWO MINUTES.

    "It's a hard, flat surface. If you put it under your seat cushions, they don't sag as much as they used to."

    That's pretty much it, yet the narrator was still talking two minutes later.

  2. That's because the narrator had all these cool "free" extras to throw in, muddling the mind and convincing the average gullible reader that even if the vinyl siding didn't work (at fixing sagging cushions OR carrying cinder blocks) the price is worth it because of all these goodies that come with it (separate shipping and handling extra, of course.)

  3. That's the problem with most of the products I see; I keep wondering if I've accidentally turned over to either SNL or Mad TV.

  4. If my kids had ever jumped on any sofa we had- old or new- I'd have snapped their little ankles with a ball peen hammer.

    Okay, probably not actually snapped their ankles, but there would have been some consequences. But then, I raised my kids better than that, so this was never a problem.

    Our sofa had an issue with lack of spring support, so I had the disabled guy put a piece of plywood under it till he could build us a new one. The new sofa is better than anything you can get in a store and we used the same cushions from the old, not-springy one so it still matches the love seat.

    And thus ends the glimpse into the Pahz household.