Friday, May 20, 2011

Here are a few signs that maybe, just MAYBE, you've got an internet addiction problem:

5. You are watching an episode of a tv show on Hulu which you've already watched twice and is available On Demand from your cable company.

4. You've done a search to determine exactly how many 7-11s are within reasonable driving distance from your house.

3. You've looked at your parking lot on GoogleEarth for the fourth time this week.

2. You've "refreshed" your FaceBook page ten times in the last ten minutes, hoping for a Notification to pop up.

And the number one sign that you MAY have an internet addiction problem: You find yourself asking "gee, I wonder if anyone is attempting to stalk me on the internet?"

"Who is looking for me?" Ok, there are two possible answers, neither of which is very attractive. You either find out that someone from your past that you really don't care to see ever again is trying to find you and is still too stupid to just use Facebook or Google. Or, you get the perhaps even more depressing news that the reason why you don't have more "friends" is NOT because the swarm of eager would-be acquaintances can't find you. It's because they don't exist.

So, my advice to this lady- get up and exit your weirdly glowing, eerily clean little study. Go spend some time with real people, if you happen to know any. Live in the Here and Now- not some fantasy world where you are enormously sought-after, if only all those people who long to renew connections knew how to use Google or Facebook.

Because seriously, if you think it's good news that people from your past are "looking for you," that's just really sad. If you insist on staying online, I suggest that it would be healthier for you to check the status of your parking lot on Google Earth again, or make sure a new 7-11 hasn't opened a bit closer to your house.

Or just stay a really sad, lonely, deluded weirdo. Either way. It's your life, if we can really call it that.


  1. That's Bizarre!
    Oh, and I went to olive Garden today, and I actually enjoyed the food.

  2. Her delighted exclamation of how many people are searching for her makes me a little sad. She looks like she's a normal person who interacts with other people.

    I get emails from this website constantly (and they go straight to the spam folder) because of my real name. LOTS of people search my name and trust me- they're disappointed when they click my profile and I'm not the one they thought they were searching for (my real name is similar to a famous person).

  3. You're right, Pahz- other than the fact that she seems delighted to find that people are searching for her on the internet, she looks completely normal.

    She reminds me of the main character of some lame Lifetime movie I watched with my mom during Spring Break last month- this woman was convinced that her husband was having an affair (he wasn't) so she went on something like "ClassReunion.Com" and looked up the star of her HS football team, or something- then she had dinner with him, and the next thing you know, she was being stalked by the creep (or WAS she?) :>)

  4. Oh, god; a Lifetime movie. And here and I thought that the ads were the most sexist pile of crap on television; given how the women in these things make Liz Patterson look clear-headed, intelligent and resolute, it's like a step inside the head of a dead, crazy misogynist.

  5. That ad is on right now- while I was reading comments. It almost seems like it knows we're talking about it!


    And yes, Lifetime movies, so full of amazing storytelling that you can't believe you've lived without them!