Tuesday, May 6, 2014
What do you call the Brady Bunch in a Blender? A good start?
Not only will I not see this film, but I'm pretty sure I'll make an active effort to avoid any theater showing it. Or the block that theater is on. Or the town. Or the county. Hell, I think I'll just leave the country during it's run.
As near as I can tell, it stars Aging Before She Ever Really Got A Chance To Be Meg Ryan "comedienne" Drew Barrymore (who at least isn't playing Barely Out of High School love interests anymore) and "comedian" Still Stuck in the Happy Gilmore Phase of His Career Adam Sandler (remember when you thought he was kind of amusing on SNL?) As near as I can tell, they have one total fail disgusting date in which things Not Funny To Anyone Over The Age Of Eight (yep, it's an Adam Sandler vehicle all right) happen. And as near as I can tell, this leads to a Comedy of Errors which, like the Shakespeare play, isn't even remotely funny.
Oh, and there's a trip to Africa thrown in so we can do the whole "Time Share" joke and throw in a little blatant racism too, because who doesn't think blatant racism is funny?
Along the way we are going to get a lot of Sassy Smart-ass kids jokes, a lot of fart jokes, a lot of belching, some vomiting, and a general buffet of toilet humor. And when it's all over, Sandler's character and Barrymore's character will realize that They Belong Together. How do I know this? No, not from the trailer, which is helpful enough to guide us through the plot twists (otherwise known as the times the screen writer found himself in a corner and decided to start all over again- but keep the previously written scenes intact) pretty much through to the end. I know this because I wasn't born yesterday, and I know a Formula when I see one. Anyone who doesn't know EXACTLY how this crud is going to wrap up inherited the scarecrow's brain of oatmeal and needles.
Oh, and we can also assume that this film will make roughly twice it's budget, 90 percent of which covers the salaries of it's- ahem- "stars." Just enough to assure a sequel, god help us all. Not that the lack of a sequel would be much of a comfort- we are certain to see another 100 or so films with the exact same story line regardless of whether its title includes a Roman Numeral.