Tuesday, December 30, 2014
New Years' Resolutions for people who desperately need them, courtesy of the Commercial Curmudgeon
The NFL: Stop focusing on the celebrations, please. Watching a multimillionaire pose and flex his muscles every time he does what he was paid to do isn't entertaining. I swear that fifty percent of the replays are of pomping and posing rather than actually playing.
NBC: Your intro to "Football Night in America" (WTF-ever) redefines the term "overblown." First of all, all the fireworks and crowd reactions and laser shows and appearences by Carrie Underwood in the world will never be enough to convince anyone that whatever game you were handed this week is the freaking Superbowl. Second, nobody in the history of the universe has ever uttered the phrase "I just can't wait till Sunday Night." Never. Ever. Ever.
MLB.com; Two things. First, stop it with the horrible-pun headlines. Seriously, they suck and aren't even forehead-slapping entertainment. They are usually so painfully bad that I can imagine the writer groaning but being forced to go with it because MLB.com demands that every headline have a pun. We aren't children. We don't need puns. Yours are just rank. Stop. Please.
Second- Derek Jeter is retired. That means you really need to stop inserting him into stories which have no logical connection to Derek Jeter. That six month sloppy Valentine you gave him in 2014 was a painful experience that you insisted we share, but we got through it, and now it's time to move on. So the next time someone bumps into Derek Jeter in a restaurant and wins $2 on a scratch-off ticket a week later, don't try to sell us another Magic of Jeter story, ok? It's over. Done. MOVE ON.
Wendy's: Time to retire Red. Seriously, enough already. Let's move on to the next marketing idea. In real life, Red would be fifty pounds overweight and be on meds for severe high blood pressure and Type 2 Diabetes, not a cute, slim, energetic little hottie.
Progressive: Time to retire Flo. She was never interesting as the ghostly-pale (she makes vampires look like they just got back from Bermuda) spokeschoad inhabiting a windowless, glowing-white virtual world insurance store. Now that you've got her out and about- fishing, riding motorcycles, and (good lord whose idea was this) singing I can say you've jumped the shark with her, turned the boat around, and jumped it again. Put her on the unemployment line behind Red, please.
Verizon: Wow, where to start? First, I know I complain about cellphone ads which show people obsessed with texting and talking and streaming. But I'd rather have those than your stupid still shots of people jumping around with face-absorbing smiles because you offer them a way out of their contracts if they SWITCH FOR NO GOOD REASON RIGHT NOW. It's bad enough that every phone ad suggests that Our Phones Are Our Lives. Showing people throwing confetti around because they switched data plans- come on. We aren't that sad.
Lexus, Audi, and BMW: I know the economy is getting better, but 99 percent of us will never be in the market for one of your cars, and the one percent who are don't need these commercials to convince them to purchase a LookAtMeMobile. Which means that the only reason you even make these commercials is to piss us off. Why? What did we ever do to you?
McDonalds: If you are going to show people hoisting enormous hamburgers on tv, you should start actually selling enormous hamburgers in your restaurants. The food in your ads bear no resemblence to anything one can buy at a McDonalds. Not that I would buy food at a McDonalds anyway. McDonalds is good for one thing- coffee.
Geico: A whole lot, and I'm not even going to snark on the lizard because he's actually the least offensive thing you've got going. I don't see the moron tag team with their "happier than a camel on hump day" bit anymore, but that ad with seriously brain-damaged "adults" yelling "what day is it" at camels in the zoo? That's a thousand times more horrible because I can totally see people doing that (because most people are rock-stupid hicks.) Please stop making ads which suggest that people who are already vapid morons act like even bigger vapid morons for our viewing pleasure in the real world. Because I swear I am going to hurt someone in 2015, and it's going to be your fault.
Every Company on the Planet: For the love of G-d please please please make 2015 the year you stop trying to convince us that everyone in the United States lives in a palace. This year, show us families living in modest homes rather vast, cavernous mansions. Show us single people living in apartments instead of million-dollar suburban spreads. Stop showing us people with bathrooms and rec rooms twice the size of my apartment. And most of all, get over the idea that the interior of every house is supposed to glow white as if it's scrubbed every few hours by a cleaning crew larger than the average college football bench. My irises can't take another year of that, seriously.