Monday, March 7, 2016
Retirement looks like fun, except for the people.
How the hell do you either win or lose a bet like "I'm the biggest fan" unless "biggest" means "heaviest" or "tallest?" How does one go about measuring devotion to a cell phone service? How does one go about measuring devotion at all?
Never mind, these two bored old idiots, suddenly discovering a reason to keep breathing for at least one more day, are so inspired by this reason that they ramp up their speed from "stroll" to "moderately fast walk" as they enthusastically seek out fellow old idiots to annoy with their "are you a bigger fan than this guy" weirdness.
Naturally, the people they meet- being just as bored and lonely and desperate for distraction as they are- jump at the opportunity to spend a few minutes gushing about their ConsumerCellular packages. "Plans start at ten dollars a month!" "I can text my grandchildren!" "No contracts!" "You can even get Facebook and Email and that other stuff the young people are using on the World Wide Interwebs!" "We signed up on the phone!" "I signed up online, which is that internet thing I think!" "I bought my phone at Walmart!" "I got mine at Sears!" "Wait, I haven't shown you pictures of those grandchildren yet, please please don't go away talk to me for a few more minutes at least I haven't had a conversation this long since that nice man on the phone got me to give him my credit card number!"
And oh my god, these pathetic people with waaaaaayyyyy too much time on their hands end up traveling all the way across the country to "settle" their "bet." Along the way, they meet all kinds of bored people who all have in common the fact that they love ConsumerCellular and are killing time until they finally fall into the abyss. They get all the way to the coast, decide that He Was Wrong (some things never change, even with old age) and then laugh for no reason at all (again, some things never change...)
What are they going to do now? Well, I guess they are going to drive, kayak, or whatever back across the country, mission accomplished. Have fun at bingo, weird old people.