Sunday, August 28, 2016
Alternative narration for Commercial #1- "you can't parallel park, and with all the texting and streaming and binge-watching there is to do there really isn't any time to learn how to do it properly. Yet, you need to get around. You have two choices- you can take a bus. Or, you can get Liberty Mutual Insurance, so at least the first time you do a lot of damage to the cars you hit because you just can't dedicate yourself to learning how to parallel park yet still insist on driving, you'll be able to use it's accident forgiveness policy. Not sure how this is really going to help, since if you are actually going to buy insurance based on the absolute certainty that you are going to be in an accident because you can't drive, you are going to be in more than one accident and Liberty Mutual only forgives the FIRST one. Why not spare everyone the inevitable hassle and just take the bus?"
Alternative narration for Commercial #2- "So you pay $2000 a year or more for car insurance, because some lame State Law requires that you have it even though it's totally unfair because you're an awesome driver, it's everyone else who sucks. But you can't be bothered to actually read your policy and who can blame you, I mean it's like several pages long* and over the last decade your brain and vocabulary have atrophied to the point where if it's not a hashtag or text message all those words blend together and become a confusing jumble poor you. So get Liberty Mutual and we'll give you an App that explains very carefully in words of not more than five letters each what you are covered for, not that you'll read that, either. Next year we'll be using cartoons to explain it, and the year after that, just emojis, because your brain is going to continue to shrivel until its the size of a peanut, you illiterate child."
*"It's 22 pages long, did you read all of it? No, only lawyers do that." Oh good freaking lord. You pay maybe thousands of dollars a year for an insurance policy and don't bother to read it- and then sell not being willing to read it as the INSURER'S problem? And it's not like towing and car rental are obscure parts of an auto insurance policy. This ad is just an endorsement of ignorance and laziness- "what, I was supposed to read 22 pages before I agreed to hand over my money? What do you think I am, a lawyer? Next thing you'll be telling me is that I should have read my lease before agreeing to move into an apartment complex for two years! Lame!"
Saturday, August 27, 2016
It's really very hard for me
to imagine that an ad so disgustingly twee
so sugary-sweet, so callow and lame
would find approval with a writer of fame
so I'm guessing her heirs sold her down the river
and traded this piece for thirty peices of silver.
Sorry, Ms Angelou, but this is what happens when you do something stupid like die.
Is not that it's insanely stupid and pointless. There are a whole lot of insanely stupid and pointless ads out there. This is one of the worst, but it's not particularly unique.
Nor is it the fact that all the people in this ad actually got paid to act like absolute morons, being perfectly willing to make total fools of themselves for a tiny amount of money and a little face time on tv. Heck, I'm not even going to snark on the YouTube commenter who seems proud to announce that she was in this thing (unless she's one of the people in the booth who just looked stunned that people at a DQ could be such unbelievable asshats, I can't imagine why she'd admit to playing any part in the making of this mess.)
No, the real tragedy here is that this commercial is practically begging every knuckle-dragging drooler with an iPhone to make their very own version with their friends. Which means you're going to see a lot of people hanging out at Dairy Queen this summer taking selfies while they shriek "Whaaaaaaat?" into their g-d d---d phones. Because, you know, it's funny. Or they're just really stupid and bored and have no lives or taste. Or they think that something that was already immensely dumb somehow becomes clever through repetition. One of those.
Which all means that it would probably be a good idea to avoid Dairy Queen this summer. You know, like it always is.
Thursday, August 25, 2016
I suppose ads like this appeal to lunatic pet owners who think that their dogs not only understand English but think in it too, not to mention think in stupid sarcastic thought fragments that suggest that while they love you EVER so much, they also find your inability to instantly give them everything they want whenever they want it more than a little off-putting. You know, the lunatic pet owners who think that their pets are actually superior beings that they are inexplicably honored to serve.
The people who wrote THIS particular commercial think that
1. Pet owners are childish, sadistic, cloying jackasses who get far more joy "talking" to their collared mammals than they do do with the ones that actually came out of their bodies, and
2. Pets think that their thoughts can be heard by their owners. Making them even dumber than the owners, if that is even possible.
Tuesday, August 23, 2016
(Quick bit of trivia: The little blond patient in one of these ads is the same kid who played Brainwashed Commie Son in a classic piece of manipulative Cold War propaganda, Red Nightmare. At least, I think it is. Pretty sure.)
But on a more serious note- yeah, I agree with the YouTube commenters who really, really hope that parents in 2016 are not looking to vintage ads posted on the internet to find good medical advice. Aspirin for children under the age of twelve isn't a great idea. That being said, I don't agree that these ads should be taken down because....well, seriously: who is getting medical advice from vintage ads posted on the internet? The same people who think that doctors are still endorsing cigarettes?
I am happy to report that none of the kids featured in this commercial died from taking Bayer Aspirin. They were all killed in Vietnam. Ok, I know that's really dark- but tomorrow's my birthday and once again I'll be spending it in back-to-school meetings, so this is about as cheerful as I'm going to get for a while.
Monday, August 22, 2016
This ridiculously overrated woman is very, very happy with her current age- as long as she can continue to avoid the wrinkles and age spots which rather naturally come with skin which has reached it's seventieth year, like hers has. She's thrilled to be seventy- as long as she doesn't look it.
Then again, Susan Sarandon would also be perfectly happy with Donald Trump being elected President, as that would "bring on the Revolution"- a revolution she doubtless would be riding out in her chateau somewhere in the South of France with her fellow clueless tongue-clucking somethings- oh, let's call them "Liberals," the kind that Paul Ochs used to sing about. Never mind that before that "Revolution" takes place we'd see a massive retreat on Civil Rights, Voting Rights, etc. Susan Sarandon thinks it would all be worth it in the end- because once us non-chateau owning minions (the people she deeply cares about, this is all about us, after all) have reached our breaking point, we'll throw out Trump and the Teahadists and probably make Bernie Sanders President and then everything will be wonderful- for the survivors.
And then Ms Sarandon will grace us with her presence again, coming back from her self-imposed exile to pronounce her approval of our actions and collect her well-earned night in the Lincoln Bedroom. Not everyone will have made it- but those behind the bars of gated communities where Ms Sarandon's friends live...well, my guess is, they'll be just fine.
Don't worry, the Whole Foods Market will be right where she left it.
Tell me again why I should give a damn what this idiot thinks about anything?
Sunday, August 21, 2016
Seriously, if all we've got to look forward to in our "golden years" is endless conversations about our cell phone service with fellow elderly people, I think I'll just stop saving for retirement and cross my fingers that I don't live quite as long as I once planned to. Because I want no part of cross-country trips in RVs, power-walking with grinning idiots who take "bets" on who enjoys their phone service the very bestest, or sitting around campfires wondering why we all thought this would be fun back when we were working for a living.
Next time I read a story about a worker bee dying in a freak accident the day before his retirement party, I'm going to think "lucky dog."
Saturday, August 20, 2016
I have never in my entire life been excited about anything as much as the woman in this ad is excited about her new electric toothbrush. I find this especially annoying because I happen to own this particular electric toothbrush.
Maybe she's putting a little something extra in her toothpaste?
Thursday, August 18, 2016
"Everything is Awesome....everything is cool when you're watching the screen...."
No kidding. That's how badly the lyrics of that song you remember from The Leggo Movie have been raped for this ad.
And this atrocity is followed by....you guessed it....one scene after another of happy people happily wrapped in their own isolated little electronic cocoons.
Yep, "Everything is Awesome...." when you are either truly by yourself with your glowing screens, or are pretending to be with other people but are, in fact, completely transfixed by that glowing screen, making those other people completely superflous to the experience.
Awesome. I don't think this word means what Xfinity thinks it means.
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
No matter what you do, no matter where you go, and no matter who you are with, never ever EVER be without your electronic security blanket and never, ever EVER stop staring at that stupid glowing screen, you pathetic techo-addicted zombies.
You all make me sick to my stomach and so very glad that I did not grow up in the world I find myself living in now.
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
If Hugs were, in fact, "the best cure of all," they would be covered in the United States by gold-plated insurance plans affordable only to the one percent. For the rest of us, they would be sold in tiny quantities at ruinous prices at your local pharmacy, and available only through a prescription provided by a specialist you can't afford to see unless- you guessed it- you've got that gold-plated insurance plan. The government would be forbidden by law to negotiate the price of Hugs, and they would NOT be part of any basic health coverage because the Supreme Court ruled otherwise in the case of Hobby Lobby v. Humanity.
Or, of course, you could just head over to England and get your Hugs over the counter from the local apothecary, paid for by the shared tax burden of your fellow citizens because after all, we're all in this together. (In Europe. Here in the United States, we're only all in this together when caught in a traffic jam. When it comes to health "insurance," it's every Group or Individual for Himself.)
And if I try to access Hugs at my workplace without a prescription, I'm going to be arrested and fired. There's something wrong here.
Sunday, August 14, 2016
First, I don't sympathize with this woman, who seems to be just moving from one palatial suburban estate to another. Oh, you won't miss the dog next door or that Easily Fixable You Idiot loose tile on the floor? Here's a tissue, dear.
Second, If I were the guy driving her around, I wouldn't miss her because she clearly enjoys treating me like her g-d d--d chauffer as she keeps her eyes glued to her stupid tablet, "catching up" on the television shows that the cruel world which requires her to be out of the house every once in a while is denying her instead of oh, I don't know, actually interacting with me as I cart her about. Here's another tissue.
Finally, I don't drive a car, so I won't be the one who misses her as she blindly walks into traffic because she can't be bothered to look up from her f--ing portable television set. Eventually, someone with a car will also fail to miss her. I won't need a tissue when that happens, either.
Saturday, August 13, 2016
I'll admit I did not get through this entire ad. Twenty seconds of condescending Whaddayagonnado That Helpless Man of Mine smirks from Smug Mom and Stupid Helpless Dad ("where's your school?" SERIOUSLY? THIS GUY HAS NEVER BEEN TO HIS KIDS SCHOOL?) was more than enough.
He doesn't know where his kids to go school. He forgets to- what? Leave the door unlocked for the dog walker? Whatever. And most of all, he forgets that his wife can spy on him whenever she wants from her phone, because before she left she had cameras mounted in every room and all over their property? Um, seriously?
"Piece of cake, huh?" Yeah, you're right, Supermom- knowing where the kids go to school, remembering that you've hired a dog walker, staying awake to get the kids in bed on time (because you haven't raised them to do this themselves)- all of this adds up to Being A Mom Is Much Much Tougher Than You Imagined Stupid Clueless Man-Child. What was he thinking?
As I said at the beginning, I did not get through this entire ad, so I can only guess it ends with Dad kind of learning his lesson (not completely learning it, because after all he's Dad and there's only so much that can fit into that tiny non-female brain of his) and Mom continuing to be the All-Wise, Long-Suffering but Accepting of Her Fate martyr that Only TV Moms Can Be.
Look, I know that for decades advertisements portrayed women as silly, foolish, flighty, chirpy and totally empty-headed little girls who couldn't make a cup of coffee without first taking classes on the subject from The Man of the House. But does that mean we need to even things out with decades of Men Are Children in Adult Bodies garbage like this? And if the answer is "yes," would someone please just come pick up my television before I put it on Craig's List?
Message Xfinity wants you to hear: Your kids need high-speed internet available at all times, because their ability to do anything that has to do with school absolutely depends on it. No schoolwork is possible without a tablet or a smartphone. Paper no longer exists. And all this means that if the internet connection gets cut off or is slow, well, it's basically the equivalent of cutting holes in their parachutes. Want your kid to crash in front of everyone as they attempt to bleat their reports from their electronic devices? Then I guess crappy connectivity is just fine. Just be prepared to be hated- and for your estranged kids to fail miserably at school in their competition with the Kids Whose Parents Get It.
Message I hear: Xfinity just assumes that kids are absolutely incapable of doing anything that doesn't involve a glowing screen. Never mind that NONE of the kids in this ad are doing ANYTHING that kids weren't doing a hundred freaking years ago by spending an hour or so at a freaking library with a notebook and a pencil. I mean, they aren't showing even showing power points or graphs- they are just reading text. But even that is not possible unless that text is on a screen (because as we all know, there are no PRINTED versions of FDR's Second Inaugural Address available anywhere*.)
Personally, I think this is a really good advertisement for breaking your kids' dependence on electronic homework "help." But that's a bit much to expect from an ad which celebrates a situation in which everyone in the family is online, at the same time, on their own devices.** Yuck.
*Holy crap, she couldn't even be bothered to print a hard copy? Come On! Not to mention, why is the ability to read someone else's speech impressive to anybody? What is the kid learning with this "assignment?" What the hell?
**I wish I had a dime for every one of these commercials that showed "Dad" needing a tablet to tell him how to chop up vegetables or sprinkle seasonings on steaks. I swear, 90% of the time adult males are shown "enjoying connectivity," that's what they are using it for. Bizarre.
Friday, August 12, 2016
Other than the disconnected images which I guess are supposed to invoke feelings of patriotism and pride and desire to watch the Olympics, the only thing I really get out of this blatantly manipulative crud is that it starts with someone apparently determined to shake up his crappy cheap beer so that it sprays in his face when he finally pops it open.
Meanwhile immigrants pledging alliegence flags Olympics beer yay America. I guess. Remember when this used to be subtle? I miss those days.
Wednesday, August 10, 2016
Or, apparently, any parenting at all.
Seriously, if your child spent the entire summer slouched on the family couch sucking down gallon drums of soft drinks while watching television, you've got problems that bringing home a backpack are simply not going to solve. Because the fault doesn't lie with the child, Mommy. It lies with you and your "I can't do anything about it so thank goodness the school bell is about to ring" attitude concerning the proper care and feeding of your daughter.
Because after all, there are still going to be weekends and holidays and all you've taught your kid is that when there's no schoolwork to be done, it's perfectly ok to get a jump start on that adulthood dealing with Type II Diabetes. Not to mention her obvious lack of social connections (sorry, I mean FRIENDS) or physical activity or pretty much anything outside of television in her life.
Your child is in trouble, lady, and school isn't going to save her. Because her real problem isn't a lack of school-imposed deadlines. Her real problem is a lack of parents who actually give a damn. Good luck to both of you dealing with that.
Tuesday, August 9, 2016
Why is the kid in this ad carrying a huge toy truck through the store? Are they going to buy the truck along with the glue, figuring that it will be broken in no time so they'd better go ahead and plan on repairing it? Is the truck already broken, and they figured they'd just take it to the hardware store, pull some glue off the shelf, and repair it right there in the aisle, treating the store like a hospital for toys? Or does the kid just carry that thing around with him everywhere, like a security blanket?
In any case, anyone else think that this kid is a little too old to be playing with that truck?
And anyone else think that if this couple gets into a fight over "brush" or "nozzle" on their glue bottle, they are experiencing a truly hellish marriage that probably should be ended before someone gets killed? How drunk were they when they conceived that kid anyway?
I think they are all better off if that gorilla just turns on them. A quick burst of pain, followed by the blissful eternal sleep of death, beats decades of suffering, doesn't it?
Monday, August 8, 2016
...without seeing an ad featuring entitled douchenozzle owners of your LookAtMeMobile complacently singing "Blue Skies" to themselves as they cruise through their perfect lives. yeah, you've got no worries. Money makes your road smoother. Tell me something I didn't already know.
Seriously, who the hell wants to see this?
(Though I admit I did find the "anyone have a link to this song?" comment by one YouTube monkey pretty funny. Or maybe sad. I'm not even sure anymore.)
Sunday, August 7, 2016
I am supposed to believe that
A) The adults who live in this freaking palace are deeply concerned about the price of phone? Or anthing else? Or
B) The "family" in general is living a lifestyle than anyone would want to emulate (except for the ridiculous house, of course.) I mean, really- anyone want their kids to be zombies wandering or laying about the palace like this?