Sunday, August 28, 2016

Stupid, Lazy and Proud of it? Liberty Mutual is here for you!

Alternative narration for Commercial #1- "you can't parallel park, and with all the texting and streaming and binge-watching there is to do there really isn't any time to learn how to do it properly.  Yet, you need to get around.  You have two choices- you can take a bus.  Or, you can get Liberty Mutual Insurance, so at least the first time you do a lot of damage to the cars you hit because you just can't dedicate yourself to learning how to parallel park yet still insist on driving, you'll be able to use it's accident forgiveness policy.  Not sure how this is really going to help, since if you are actually going to buy insurance based on the absolute certainty that you are going to be in an accident because you can't drive, you are going to be in more than one accident and Liberty Mutual only forgives the FIRST one.  Why not spare everyone the inevitable hassle and just take the bus?"

Alternative narration for Commercial #2- "So you pay $2000 a year or more for car insurance, because some lame State Law requires that you have it even though it's totally unfair because you're an awesome driver, it's everyone else who sucks.  But you can't be bothered to actually read your policy and who can blame you, I mean it's like several pages long* and over the last decade your brain and vocabulary have atrophied to the point where if it's not a hashtag or text message all those words blend together and become a confusing jumble poor you.  So get Liberty Mutual and we'll give you an App that explains very carefully in words of not more than five letters each what you are covered for, not that you'll read that, either.  Next year we'll be using cartoons to explain it, and the year after that, just emojis, because your brain is going to continue to shrivel until its the size of a peanut, you illiterate child."

*"It's 22 pages long, did you read all of it?  No, only lawyers do that."  Oh good freaking lord.  You pay maybe thousands of dollars a year for an insurance policy and don't bother to read it- and then sell not being willing to read it as the INSURER'S problem?  And it's not like towing and car rental are obscure parts of an auto insurance policy.  This ad is just an endorsement of ignorance and laziness- "what, I was supposed to read 22 pages before I agreed to hand over my money?  What do you think I am, a lawyer?  Next thing you'll be telling me is that I should have read my lease before agreeing to move into an apartment complex for two years!  Lame!"


  1. People are so obsessed with this being a "free country" and with their liberties and entitlements they don't seem to realize the number of onuses that are routinely put on the individual.

  2. Did you ever notice that on Liberty Mutual ads, they always, or at least almost always, present scenarios in which "you" need New Car Replacement as part of your policy because you've just managed to total your brand-new car? You've driven it into a ditch, or wrapped it around a tree, or something horrible--and now you are horrified to learn your policy from that Other Insurance Company won't replace it, although Liberty Mutual would have, "plus depreciation." Um, excuse me--doesn't "plus depreciation" mean they're not really giving you a brand-new car in replacement, they're counting off whatever they consider to be its "depreciation" before you managed to kill it? Um, yeah, I think so.

    Anyway, I just find those ads nervewracking, because they make it sound as if people are constantly destroying brand-new cars immediately after they get them. Which I know intellectually is not true--they're trying to make it sound like an everyday thing because it's to their benefit to make it sound like an everyday thing. The same way it's to Donald Trump's benefit to make it sound as if every Mexican who crosses the border illegally is going to kill you in your bed the night of January 20, 2017 if you don't vote for him. But it's still disconcerting. To listen to them, you'd think there was something about the very nature of new cars that made people more likely to wreck them than the old heap they've been driving for years, and to do so in spectacular ways.

    1. They total their brand-new cars or hydroplane into ditches, bus shelters, trees, parking lots---yet they're in one piece and well-groomed to boot: no bandages on their head, no crutches, no wheelchairs, no casts on their arms or legs.

      However, I don't find it hard to believe people frequently destroy brand-new cars considering the way so many people drive these days.

    2. especially considering that they are being encouraged to use their car's WiFi constantly as they drive, as if they weren't already glued to their phones...