Sunday, August 28, 2016
Stupid, Lazy and Proud of it? Liberty Mutual is here for you!
Alternative narration for Commercial #1- "you can't parallel park, and with all the texting and streaming and binge-watching there is to do there really isn't any time to learn how to do it properly. Yet, you need to get around. You have two choices- you can take a bus. Or, you can get Liberty Mutual Insurance, so at least the first time you do a lot of damage to the cars you hit because you just can't dedicate yourself to learning how to parallel park yet still insist on driving, you'll be able to use it's accident forgiveness policy. Not sure how this is really going to help, since if you are actually going to buy insurance based on the absolute certainty that you are going to be in an accident because you can't drive, you are going to be in more than one accident and Liberty Mutual only forgives the FIRST one. Why not spare everyone the inevitable hassle and just take the bus?"
Alternative narration for Commercial #2- "So you pay $2000 a year or more for car insurance, because some lame State Law requires that you have it even though it's totally unfair because you're an awesome driver, it's everyone else who sucks. But you can't be bothered to actually read your policy and who can blame you, I mean it's like several pages long* and over the last decade your brain and vocabulary have atrophied to the point where if it's not a hashtag or text message all those words blend together and become a confusing jumble poor you. So get Liberty Mutual and we'll give you an App that explains very carefully in words of not more than five letters each what you are covered for, not that you'll read that, either. Next year we'll be using cartoons to explain it, and the year after that, just emojis, because your brain is going to continue to shrivel until its the size of a peanut, you illiterate child."
*"It's 22 pages long, did you read all of it? No, only lawyers do that." Oh good freaking lord. You pay maybe thousands of dollars a year for an insurance policy and don't bother to read it- and then sell not being willing to read it as the INSURER'S problem? And it's not like towing and car rental are obscure parts of an auto insurance policy. This ad is just an endorsement of ignorance and laziness- "what, I was supposed to read 22 pages before I agreed to hand over my money? What do you think I am, a lawyer? Next thing you'll be telling me is that I should have read my lease before agreeing to move into an apartment complex for two years! Lame!"