Thursday, July 6, 2017

Sad, Lonely, Pathetic: This woman hits the Trifexis!

(The word "Life" in the video title used very loosely...)

Dear Crazy Dog Lady:

Just because you never met a fellow human being willing to tolerate you and your insanity doesn't mean you get to call your Sad Substitute for an Actual Family your "boys."  They are dogs.  Three big, clumsy, stupid dogs who look to you for food and shelter and pretty much nothing else.  They don't love you.  They'll never love you.  You can talk to them about your problems- and man, do you have problems- but they won't understand a word of it and they really don't give a damn anyway.   They'll never give you advice or a loan and they sure as hell aren't taking care of you when you're sick.  For all the "love" you provide them, including this tic medication or whatever the hell this commercial is pushing, the only thing you're getting in return is hair and dirt and noise and the opportunity to pick up and carry around feces when you take "your boys" for a walk.

A few more things- your "boys" don't give a damn that you serve them in different colored bowls.  They are color-blind and even if they weren't all they would see is the food.  They have no clue that you are protecting their health by adding medication to that food- and no matter how long they live, they'll never reach an age where they'll tell you how much they appreciated the care you put into "raising" them, because they don't appreciate it, they just expect it, maybe because from the moment they were puppies you gave them the idea that you exist for them and not the other way around (which is actually the case, if you could be honest with yourself for just a few moments.)

Just to wrap up- you are going to outlive your "boys."  Probably by a lot.  People generally don't outlive their kids, and they certainly don't expect to.  That's just another way your "boys" are not your "boys," they are your pets.  They'll die and you'll replace them with other "boys," or maybe "girls," and then that generation of Animals Which Live With Me Which Are Just Like Family will also die and be replaced, and so on and so on, because that's our relationship with animals* unless we are Insane.  Just Sayin'.

*My parents lost one of the animals that lived in their house last night, the victim of a little guillotine which snapped it's neck when it wandered into the wrong part of the kitchen.  I opened the trap and tossed the nasty little thing into the weeds.  They'll get over it.


  1. This is one of the few things Lynn Johnston seems to have gotten right. Reason: John made a big show of how getting a dog would teach Michael responsibility and it teaching him to dump it on someone stupider when he got bored.

  2. Even as a cat lover, I know the reality of what Peggy Olson's mother said to her on "Mad Men" when she learned Peggy was living with her boyfriend: "You know what your aunt used to say? If you're lonely, get a cat. They live 13 years, then you get another one, and another one after that. Then you're done."

    They live a little longer nowadays (if you take good care of them, anyway), but if you're looking to pets for money, support, or appreciation for all you crap you go through for them, you're the one barking up the wrong tree.

    I appreciate the companionship my cat provides, and the fact that she purrs, that she never gives me unsolicited advice, and she's a good foot-warmer on the bed in winter. Is it a fair tradeoff for all the litter boxes and vomit I've had to clean up over the years? Maybe not. But at least I don't kid myself to expect more out of the deal. I'm a sucker for cats. I've made my peace with it. They're not children. Or, rather, they're perpetual children, eternally stuck at a mental age of about 2 (except for the devious tricks they come up with to get you to pay attention to them and feed them--those are genius level). You accept it. It's part of the bargain. If you can't, don't get pets. Everyone's better off.