Saturday, July 15, 2017

SimpliSafe: 'Cause you gotta cut corners somewhere....

So the fiftysomething husband and father in this ad looks at his thirtysomething trophy wife and the kids she dutifully popped out for him as her end of the bargain and says "look, honey, I work pretty damned hard for this multimillion dollar home with it's massive kitchen and modern appliances and even bigger living room.  And I know you think that I'm a bottomless well of cash, mainly because that's what I told you when I convinced you to surrender your youth to me in exchange for a life of security.

"Fact is, these mortgage and Lexus SUV payments are taking a pretty big bite out of that hedge fund money- I'd explain to you what 'hedge funds' are and how they support this lifestyle, but if you were interested in clogging your pretty little head with stuff like that I would never have married you- and the kids' endless parade of extracurricular activities don't help much either.  Not to mention the big-screen TVs and internet access you kind of insisted on so you don't go absolutely insane in this house while the kids are away and Juanita (whom I am NOT sleeping with, yet) is doing the shopping and cleaning.  And let's not forget Juanita, who is fifteen years younger than you are and has the kind of body you had when we first met, just sayin'.

"So we're going to have to economize somewhere.  And since I have hefty life insurance policies on you and the kids, and I'm home maybe eight hours a week anyway, it's going to be in home security.  That's why I'm going to protect your guilded cage with a bargain-basement do-it-yourself saw-it-on-late-night-tv so-called alarm system.  It will keep you and the kids- and Juanita, if she's not helping me in the office that night- super safe, I assure you.  Now how about another beer, hon?"

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