Saturday, September 29, 2018

Open letter to Buick: Your commercials aren't working



No matter how much you wish your commercials featuring people bleating "Buick" every few seconds bore any resemblence to reality, they never will.  People simply do not talk like this.  Take some comfort in the fact that nobody says "my Honda," "my Nissan," or "My Chevy" either.  They may say "My Lexus," "My Audi," or "My BMW," but that's because they bought those cars so they could let other people know they own one.  Nobody will ever, EVER feel that way about a Buick.

So you are not going to get people to refer to their Buicks as Buicks.  It will always be "that's my car."  No, THAT'S my car.  No, I meant THAT car over there.  I hope that every time you hear a Buick refered to as a car it stabs you a little bit in the soul, but that's because I'm not very nice.  Plus, I don't think any of you own your souls anymore anyway.

Oh, and that black couple near the end of the commercial- I wonder why you thought this was necessary?

Woman:  "I like that Buick."

Man (looking at billboard:) "Me too,"

Woman: "I meant THIS one."

Stop.  What difference does that make, Woman?  Do you just live to have arguments with this guy?  Could you be just a little more petty?  Turns out the answer is yes, because....

Man:  "I knew that."  (Why did you think this was necessary, Man?)

Woman (sneeringly, with dismissive eyeroll:)  "Did you?"

Ugh, why? Why why WHY?  Man:  Why are you with this nasty woman?  Woman: Why do you search out ways to put this guy down?  You've got him to the point where he's willing to lie about which identical Buick he was referring to rather than admit he made a mistake.  You've reduced him to near-invisibility already.  You need to kick him some more, really?

Oh, and Buick?  Here's how the conversation goes:  "I really like this car."  "Me, too."  "I meant this car."  "So did I."  "Did you?"

Because nobody cares about Buicks.  Just in case I didn't make that clear enough already.

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