The Weather Channel.com, translated

When they say...

"Rain Possible at 9 AM,"   You think "ok, it's 7 AM and it takes me an hour to walk to school.  No problem."  The problem is, what they MEAN is "drizzle by 7:15, pouring by 7:45."  If I didn't bring an umbrella every day regardless, I would have arrived to school soaked several times over the last two weeks because Weather.com acts like a jerk genie-- "well, we were right, weren't we?  We SAID rain possible at 9 AM.  And wasn't that correct?"

When they say...

"Killer Storm Approaching."  What they MEAN is "one percent chance of damaging storm hitting one percent of the country."  Big news- for very, very few people but not you, and it makes you wonder why they even bother to ask for your location if they are going to constantly be giving you blaring headlines which don't concern you in the slightest.

When they say....

"You won't BELIEVE what this animal did next" they mean "we will fill our pages with junk non-stories only drooling idiots with two much time on their hands will read."

When they say....

"If you live in Maryland here's a trick your insurance company doesn't want you to know about" it means "we'll sell spam-laden ads to anyone."

Ok, have to get ready to head off to school.  No rain in the forecast.  I'll be packing my umbrella.

"Drainers?" Hey, that's racist!

Let's hope that the drainers are also stabbers.  And are well-armed.

Seriously, people still eat these ridiculously overpriced cups of chopped fruit?  Do they realize that they are paying maybe $50 a pound for the fruit in those cups?  Are they just too damned white and rich to give a damn, or what?

Sexist Stupidity posing as "advice" from Geico

1.  If you are going to try to convince me that a guy's ex-girlfriend is so obsessed with him that she would act like an insane jerk at his wedding, at least hire an actor who can pull off the part.  This scruffy doofus looks like he'd need a tag team of Match.com and eHarmony to score him a date.

2.  Are the bride's feet nailed to the floor?  Why is she just standing there, letting herself get hit with spaghetti?  Oh right, because Funny.  Except, not so much.

3.  Why would anyone invite their ex-girlfriend to a wedding, anyway?  Oh wait, actually, I did that.  But my fiancee insisted.  And we were well aware that she wouldn't show up.  Besides, she had dumped me, not the other way around.

4.  Anyone have the slightest doubt that a guy wrote this commercial?  Maybe even the guy who stars in it?

Ruining coffee with cream has never looked less inviting...

"Coffee, after all, would destroy the unbearable whiteness of this situation."

I wonder if International Coffee Creamers just assumes that we'll associate the whiteness theme to it's brand- after all, the interiors of homes in commercials are usually blindingly white, anyway.  I had to watch three of these little lumps of absolutely nothing before I even began to suspect that the lack of color was all about the product.

In keeping with the "white is everything" theme, I think it's safe to assume that the actors are also total blanks and that International Coffee Creamers are bland as hell?

And it comes with Cortana, so you won't forget to keep your damn head screwed on

So if this guy didn't have Windows 10, there's no way he could remember something so complicated as having a play date with his own daughter?  Since his daughter is obviously older than Windows 10, can we assume that he repeatedly forgot to show up for Daddy time before he was able to upgrade?

How on Earth did parents ever manage to organize their lives, including scheduling quality time with their kids, before Windows 10?  Maybe they never did.  That certainly would explain why so many people grew up to be antisocial, insufferable jerks.

Oh and BTW, is it ok that I really can't stand that "in my world" line?  Seriously, could you be just a little less self-important?  Your routine.  Your life.  Your schedule.  All work better and make you sound a lot less like a totally absorbed douchenozzle than "in my world."  You don't get your own world, even if you do have Windows 10.  Just bite me, ok?

We went through this just LAST year, Dish Network!

First, the only thing more annoying than the guy's voice in this ad is the girl's voice in this ad.  Seriously, my ears are still bleeding.

Second, what's with the dancing?  The guy can't know she's dancing on the other end of the phone.  Did they both turn on the same music at the same time?  If he's excited about getting a "great deal" on cable, why is SHE dancing?  Why are her coworkers dancing?  They are just operator drones, after all, and while we are on that subject....

Third, are we really supposed to believe that Dish Network is hiring white Americans to run their phone banks?  Because I don't.  This girl and her coworkers are way, way too pale and middle class-looking to be working for Dish.  I'm thinking more Pakistani boiler room myself.  Maybe this explains why they are dancing- do they get an extra quarter for every person they sign up?  Or are they under a quota to sign up a certain number of callers per day or face dismissal?

Fourth, the little girl walking into the room with the cell phone to find that her father is acting like an idiot....oh, never mind.  Little girl with cellphone.  Dad's an idiot.  Supposed to be funny, Because.  Nothing more needs to be said about this.

Fifth, this commercial is from last year, when Dish Network ran exactly the same "exclusive" price lock deal (sign a two-year contract featuring large early termination fees and the price is locked in for those two years) for eight freaking months- yep, eight months of this awful crap pouring out of my radio and television hundreds of times a day, casually dropped into conversation by talk show hosts, etc.  It was awful, but it finally ended last November.

But now it's back.  Same deal.  Same obnoxious delivery.  And, I'm guessing, it will continue through late autum, just like last year.  Get the remote ready.

Fios Presents: The Television Addict's version of the DTs

Seems to me that these two people would be having a perfectly nice evening together, except that one of them is obviously a television addict who is suffering withdrawal symptoms so severe that she must ultimately abandon her friend and rush back to her superior cable service for a fix.

Because several minutes of being forced to use her atrophied brain- as well as attempting to use equally atrophied social skills- was just too much for this "I'm just gonna check because sitting here face to face not watching television is way too painful for me" lunatic.

Her abandoned friend is so much better off now- because she knows the value of that friendship she thought she had.  Good luck in finding real friends, lady.