eTrade needs to stop telling me to not get angry while making me angry

 

I guess I just don't these eTrade "don't get angry" commercials, as none of them have ever shown me a scenario in which I would be justified in "getting angry" (that is, unless eTrade knows I get angry at stupid commercials.  If that's the case, these all make perfect sense.)

In this ad, eTrade treats the audience like children who think "buying the dips" means buying actual dip for chips.  Thing is, 99 percent of the time for 99 percent of the audience, that's exactly what it means.  Even the part of the audience that is in the market- even the part that is actively involved in trading- generally means "buying dip for chips" when they say they are responsible for "buying the dips."  Because people who do their own trading don't need a new phrase for "buying when prices are low/dropping."  That phrase was working just fine, thank you very much. 

By the way, who is this commercial really supposed to appeal to?  People who do their own trading who think they really understand the market and need another reason to sneer and otherwise look down on people who don't do their own trading (like me) because they know they don't understand the market?  If that's the case, this ad belongs in the same rank as Audi and Lexus commercials, designed to stoke more anger from the unwashed, non-investing masses more than to attract new customers.  

eTrade continues to be stupid

 

I'm guessing that this kid's parents are too busy managing their money to pay any attention to him, which is why he's free to create his own sad little improvised gym, exercise and diet plan which includes wasting a dozen eggs--?

Judging from that house, one of two things must be true:

A.  This kids' parents are already doing very well financially, so at least they are getting some value in return for neglecting their kid.   OR

B.  This kid doesn't HAVE any parents, this is HIS house, which means he is doing REALLY well financially and I'm actually impressed.  But I don't get why he doesn't just get himself a Total Gym and/or a Peloton Bike, as he can obviously afford it. 

Pizza Hut's retro fail. I'm already done with the Superbowl.

 

Remember back in the 1980s when you played Pacman?  Remember being young and going out and having fun pumping quarters into this and other stupid video games because you were young and it was fun and the whole world lay out in front of you?

Well, you can relive those years for a few seconds in this ad- if you are anyone but me, I guess.  I'm too busy getting queazy watching this guy spend half a minute spitting on a rapidly-cooling pizza before finally putting his game on pause and eating some.  I mean, go back and see how many times this guy utters the "p" sound.  Ugh. 

Meanwhile...the game starts in about half an hour, and as is my habit, I'll watch it while tuning out the commercials.  That's right, I don't even WATCH Superbowl ads.  I didn't even watch them for the two years I was a participant in the Nielsen ratings.  FU, Capitalism!  I'm watching your billion-dollar spectacle and I'm not contributing one penny to your insatiable maw!  

Rent A Center Commercial from 1994 shows how little progress we've made

 

It's almost horrifying to imagine that people were once drawn to Rent A Center by "awesome deals" like a 19-inch tv with Included VCR for "only" $14.99 a week for 91 weeks (total price: $1364.  For a 19-inch tv with a VCR.  And when you're done paying- you give it back.  You don't even OWN it.  And if THAT'S not scary enough, this commercial is from 1994, when $1364 was worth $2,382.)  

And when you aren't enjoying your ridiculous I Want It Right Now Impulse Rent television with VCR, you can do a load of laundry in the clothes washer you are renting for $8.99 a week for 78 weeks (total price:  $701, or $1224 in today's money.)  At least you can sort of justify the washer (though seriously, I think you would have been better off with a weekly trip to the laundromat.)  Most of the crap shown in this ad are not necessities.  We see game systems, stereos, recliners....I mean, what the hell, people?  Faced with three choices- Save Up, Do Without, or Empty Your Wallet into a Bottomless Pit, that Bottomless Pit sure was popular back in the 90s, wasn't it?

Well, here we are in 2021, and there are two Rent A Centers within easy walking distance of my apartment- and also several pawn shops and dollar stores.  The poor we always have with us- and there are more of them than ever.  And it's at least as expensive to be poor nowadays as it was back in 1994.  It's not getting any better out there...

Does the tour at least end with drinks in the Green Room?

 

Or "This is Where the Magic Happens, using the word Magic very, very loosely." 

1. If you're pumped about being given a tour of a freaking stock brokerage, your life is over and you ought to just start preparing for the funeral.  Come to think of it, a tour of a mortuary must be at least one hundred percent more interesting. 

2.  If you find yourself calling the people who "helped roll over your 401(k)" and who "helped set up your account" (is that what she said?  I don't care what she said.  I'm not watching this again) by their first names, you desperately need to go out and make some friends, because it's clear that no one is going to show up at your funeral. 

3.  When they get to the end of the hallway, is Mr. Mousse going to show her the bathroom or the breakroom?  Because seriously, except for the fictional place mentioned in the title of this post, what else is there to a brokerage besides people looking at computer screens and taking phone calls?  I imagine that this woman is a High School teacher who is about to be divested of the notion that TD Ameritrade might be a cool place to bring her kids on a field trip.  It's a freaking brokerage, lady.  It's not even the floor of the NYSE.  I mean, THAT might be a cool place to hang out for an hour or so, if you're so fascinated with numbers.  What did you think you were going to get out of this "tour," anyway?

TD Ameritrade Commercial Presents: What the one percent does while the rest of us are actually working

 

1.  The jackass customer here is not told anything in this ad that he couldn't have learned by going to TD Ameritrade.com or making a quick phone call.  But because he- and his broker- have all the freaking time in the world, he's going to talk over his need for a customizable online trading platform while casually sitting around a TD Ameritrade office in the middle of the day because no way does that broker have any other clients he could be taking calls from.  Jesus, this guy makes Jake from State Farm look like a human dynamo.  

2.  Wonder if there really is a "green room?"  Well, don't worry.  Even if there is, you aren't getting into it.  Talking to a broker from across a desk for ten minutes to be shoveled into a standard set of investment funds is good enough for you, me and pretty much everyone else who isn't pulling down at least six figures a year and wants to pretend they know how to manage their own money.  You aren't sitting on a couch having a casual, slow-paced conversation with Mr. Mousse about how you'd like to be able to control your own trades, because you don't know how that's done, have other things to think about (like the monthly bills, and Life) and would just like to try to save a little bit to supplement Social Security and wouldn't try to do it on your own any more than you'd try to give yourself gallstone surgery...

3.  Um...there's more than one chair in that room, guys.  Why the hell are you sitting so close together?  Am I the only person who finds this more than a little weird?

Weathertech: Stupid stuff for Stupid people!

 

The people in this ad can afford a sprawling suburban McMansion in which every member of their family owns their own cell phone....but they can't afford more than one garbage-piece-of-plastic Weathertech phone holder?  Yeah, right. 

That last guy already has a laptop open.  What the hell does he need his phone for? To carry on a conversation while doing work on his laptop?  Why does he need for it to be at eye-level?  Is he working on that laptop or talking on the phone?  Jesus, buddy!  Bur at least he isn't endangering anybody, unlike...

Um, wasn't this conversation over?  What's with the "sorry, I dropped you?"  Shouldn't he just hang up now?  

And yeah, the stupid phone-holder junk might prevent Horrible Disasters like not being able to find your phone while you are operating a piece of heavy machinery.  Know what else would be a horrible disaster?  If you crashed into someone while looking for or talking into or otherwise being distracted by that phone.  How about you just let the phone stay where it is and you keep your mind on the road until you get that thing safely parked again?  Too much to ask?  Am I kidding myself?  Of course it is!