Apple tried to warn us about their iPhone. Decades Ago.

 

It's almost quaint to see an iPhone commercial featuring a voice explaining actually HELPFUL things one can do with their phones, like finding where one parked their car (just keep making the phones easier and easier to use, because that car-finding thing is most helpful to seniors who are, incidentally, the least like demographic to be in the market for an iPhone.)

Of course, this ad is also telling us that as the iPhone improves it will be capable of doing more and more of the thinking for us, allowing our brains to atrophy so we can become more and more dependent on iPhones.  And there will be more and more ways to waste the brain cells we still have playing dumb games with each new update and each new App.

Eventually, we'd get apps for shopping and "gaming" (which used to mean losing an hour playing Candy Crush and Angry Birds but now means losing the rent at DraftKings.)  And ordering takeout at a 30 percent markup.  And watching stuff.  Lots and lots of stuff.  And doing it all while sitting.  Lots and lots of sitting.

Two decades later, I'm not sure that Apple* has improved our lives any, and in fact I'm pretty sure it's been a destructive influence.  But I don't think we get to complain that we weren't warned.  

*maybe a silver lining is that once the tariffs hit, we'll have less money to gamble away?  I'll leave that idea to the weirdos who think that they can find the bright side to every situation.  I'm not one of them.

That Trump Watch Controversy- hand me the box of Kleenex

 

1.  "I liked it because it had the same look as a Rolex Band..." first, how would you know what a Rolex band looks like when you've obviously been purchasing your watches in the Walmart "jewelry" aisle (when it's for a special occasion, like a wedding or a night out at the Golden Corral?)  Oh right, you think it "has the same look as a Rolex Band" because that's what the infomercial told you, and because the voice was that of your Dear Leader From Whom All Blessings Flow, it must have been true.

2.  "I thought that the watch would have the same integrity as the President...." oh, it does, Disappointed Customers.  Exactly the same level of integrity, and not one bit more.  Well, actually, once your watch stops working (any day now) it will still be right twice a day, which is more than you can say for the sexual predator/convicted felon/serial grifter who pitched it to you.

3.  Do I feel even the slightest bit sorry for anyone who sent $650 in for a gaudy piece of junk because it (was supposed to have) Donald Trump's name on it?  No, because Fools and their Money and all that.  I don't care if these people complain about the cost of eggs in the next breath after whimpering that they spent "hard-earned money" on a trinket that lets their neighbors know that they are in the thrall of cult leader who know they are stupid, celebrates that they are stupid, and enjoys nothing more than kicking them in the face to hear them reply "thank you sir may I have another?"*

*You may, indeed, have another.  And another.  And another.  There are still Trump bibles and Trump knives and a thousand other bits of nonsense actually stamped with this clown's actual name that you can purchase to show how....um...."Patriotic"  you are, if "Patriotic" is Latin for "lacking functional brain cells."

Repair Now, Pay Later, Pay More, Stay Poor

 

Here's how this super-helpful company provides "peace of mind" to poor people who live every day with the fear of sudden car repair bills- they offer a plan which stretches repayment options out months or years Just Sign Here Never Mind The Interest Rate You Want Your Car Don't You?

So a poor person whose credit is so lousy that they can't even carry a credit card can use his job as his credit (a phrase I'm sure he's used to from all those trips to the Buy Here Pay Here car dealerships and Payday Loan and Check Cashing offices) and for as little as zero down and an Arm and a Leg in interest can get that car fixed and back on the road in no time.  Yes, you're going to be making bimonthly payments ultimately amount to 2 or 3 times the actual cost of the repair but that's something you can worry about once you are back in the good graces of the credit industry, which will happen as soon as your investment in Powerball tickets finally pays off (it's just a matter of time, law of averages after all.)

This would be funny if it wasn't so sad, but I can't even work up a good closing line for this post.  Let's all just keep on keeping on, I guess, and be glad we're not this guy (if we aren't already this guy.)

FanDuel and that Other Manning Guy

 

This guy won two Superbowl rings and earned tens of millions of dollars as a player and celebrity endorser, but the Greatest Day of his Life was when he won the "Kick of Destiny 3" challenge sponsored by a scammy gambling app.  I guess this is supposed to be funny or entertaining and not at all cringe; we for sure are not supposed to think for even one minute about the people whose lives are being ruined engaging in this "innocent fun."

Eli Manning, Peyton Manning, David Ortiz, Kevin Hart, Jamie Foxx, Stephen A. Smith...you are money vampires, and therefore Suck.  Also because you are vampires, you've got blood all over your hands.  But I'm sure the extra handful of money to throw on the already-massive pile is worth it.  Right?

ESPN News, ESPN Bet, and the wonders of Cognitive Dissonance

From ESPN:

Houston Astros right-hander Lance McCullers Jr. said he and his family were the subjects of death threats made on social media after he allowed seven runs as part of a 10-run first inning for the Cincinnati Reds on Saturday night.

A team spokesperson said the Astros notified the Houston Police Department and Major League Baseball security about the threats.

"I understand people are very passionate and people love the Astros and love sports, but threatening to find my kids and murder them is a little bit tough to deal with," McCullers said. "So just as a father, I think there have been many, many threats over the years aimed at me, mostly, and I think actually one or two people from other issues around baseball actually had to go to jail for things like that. But I think bringing kids into the equation, threatening to find them or next time they see us in public they're going to stab my kids to death, things like that, it's tough to hear as a dad."

Notice what is NOT mentioned here (or anywhere in the full article, please feel free to check it out on ESPN.com?)  Any hint that the death threats may be coming from gamblers who have lost money betting on McCullers' appearances on the mound.  No, those threats just couldn't be coming from people who have lost money - they must be from people who "love sports" and "love the Astros" and are just "passionate" about the game.  

Why can't ESPN even acknowledge the gigantic, multi-billion dollar elephant in the room? Well, how could they?  It's a major revenue stream.  And as we all know, it's very easy for people to ignore something obvious if their income depends on their ability to ignore that something. 

Sooner or later, ESPN BET and all of the other gambling platforms- as well as the celebrities who pimped out their credibility to pitch this life-ruining addiction and major league sports across the board- will have blood on their hands and will certainly respond with raised hands, a Pikachu face and a lame "nobody saw this coming, thoughts and prayers" bit of legal boilerplate.  Because in the end, Capitalism is the only real morality and after all check out the very, very fine print at the bottom of all of these commercials.  Butt, Covered.

What the Dick's??

 

1.  Am I supposed to know who this young woman is?  I looked it up, and it turns out that she's an Olympic Gymnast.  Ok.  I'm going to ask again- am I supposed to know who this young woman is?

2.  Am I supposed to believe that a black guy working in the shoe section at a Dick's Sporting Goods would quickly recognize an Asian Female Gymnast like she's LeBron James or Pat Mahomes?  I can suspend disbelief for some advertisements but this is a bridge too far, and we're not even at the worst part of the ad yet.

3.  This woman can do a back flip.  So can this guy, who I'm going to go out on a limb and guess is not an Olympic Gymnast.  She responds to his feat by saying "that's cute," and then enlists CGI to defy gravity and show us once again that American Television is more than willing to toss physics aside in the service of showing up a guy in a contest* with a woman.

What is this ad trying to sell me again?

*a contest he didn't even know he was in.  Without being prompted, this woman just barged in on a guy's work area and did a back flip.  So he showed he could do one too.  Instead of just acknowledging that he could do a blackflip, she decided to use computer magic to grind him into the dirt where I guess he belongs for daring to be able to do a backflip.  Where is the part where I'm supposed to be inspired to buy sneakers or anything else from Dick's Sporting Goods?  I mean, what the hell?

Hey look it's another scummy Home Warranty Ad!

 

This one features the recently-passed George Foreman, who was worth more than $100 million when he died and did not need the check he got shilling for this lousy business, and certainly didn't need to worry about paying for home repairs.  The people who buy in to this nonsense non-coverage certainly DO have to worry about sudden repair bills, and the very last thing they need is to be throwing money away on trash like "Home Warranties" which turn out to be every bit as worthless as Car Warranties (which, by the way, are no doubt sold by the same companies.)

Foreman sold his image to fake not-Medicare insurance, too, proving once again that for some people there is simply no such thing as Enough Money.  I hope he enjoyed the quick payday and it landed with a splash when he threw it on the pile.  Wherever he is, it's doing him precious little good now, isn't it?  Meanwhile, yeah, those appliances will break and that roof will leak.  I suggest a dedicated bank account to deal with such emergencies.  I also suggest you ignore ads like this, regardless of which electric grill salesman is doing the pitching.